Sunday, January 27, 2013

You are the change you seek

Ten Thousand years ago or more, values held clans together, common rules and understandings which gave meaning and direction as a collective community.  The cultural difference with mostly Western society today is our more insular, self dependent, self centred approach, yet at what cost?
As mental health figures continue to rise, the demand on helping professions is too great as individuals seek to find meaning in life, answers to an ache in bones not broken.
As the humanity which struggles seeks meaning in food, objects, material possessions, alcohol, drugs and anything external, they slide further and further off the track as technology and science speed towards the next quick fix. At what cost is this top down approach on our innate being as a species? Trying to fix something which isn't broken at all rather than build up the foundations of what has been there all along, by teaching us how to use our skills, bodies and power to be all we are destined to be.
Life is a journey, full of pot holes, hills and sharp curves.  Are you a passenger in the backseat looking out the window watching the world go by just waiting to get there? Are you a backseat driver and telling everyone else where to go and yet can't be bothered to drive yourself? Are you a co pilot or a driver? This is your journey, you choose the tranport, the stops along the way and whether you embrace it or resist it.
What is innate in human beings is our need as a species to connect with each other, to have a sense of purpose, self worth and relevance; to feel like we matter.  So much time is wasted on temper tantrums and a refusal to accept that this is your life, this is what you have created and this is where you are right now, right here, right now.  Everything that has brought you to this point, good, bad, ugly, has created the person you are right now. 
Until a time machine is invented, you cannot go back and change the past, you cannot go forward to map out your future and even if you could there is no way of controlling every single variable, every person who could alter your 'big plan'; ask yourself what is it you really want here? Why do you want it?
If only I had a better home, better car, more money, more time; if only the kids would behave better, work harder; if only my partner was nicer, easier, more attentive more loving.  All of these "if only..." suggest you as a victim in your life with no power to be the change you want to see.
Are you listening to yourself or silencing your inner voice?
Do you spend more time pretending to be something you are not, try to seek answers by observing what others do, think, wear, say and then wonder why your life has lost direction?
You are a gift, an amazing example of a living organism. You've had everything you need to be the best you can be all along.
Doubting yourself will not serve you well. Switching off to the voice which tries to scream under water "wake up, wake up you are walking asleep" will not bring you closer to your authentic self.
Blaming others, life, not having enough, will not satisfy the voice inside you that cries unhappiness.
There comes a time in life, whether a catalyst shoves you in the right direction, you have lost all that mattered or your own mortality forces self evaluation on you.
Let me reassure you it is not only normal, it is part of growing as a human being to reach a point in life when you look back on the lessons learned, the life before you, the legacy you will leave behind. If you have gone past 40 and haven't reached this point then get your head out of the sand! If you were a child some self righteous adult would label you as 'developmentally delayed'.  Yet as adults people walk around all the time with the heads up their backsides blaming the world for a great deal of the situations they were active contributors and wonder why this ache they try to heal does not repair!
Development does not stop at 18! Mastery of your body, your thoughts, of your power is not a licence issued on your 18th birthday or on which ever ritual passage you reach.  It is through reflecting on yourself, not as some broken object that needs fixing or mending, on your gifts, strengths and contribution; the legacy you will leave long after you cease to exist.
We are all connected by living things, we cannot exist on our own.  We rely on the nature, other species to provide for our shelter, safety and fuel to power our bodies.  Yet a great proportion of humanity ignores this symbiotic relationship, taking for granted the planet will just keep providing as long as we keep taking.
What we do know for certain is nothing last forever.  Living organisms have a beginning and an end.  As we continue to take, take and take from each other, from all living things, eventually the bucket will run dry.
This goes for you, for your relationships, your friendships. Everything has a limit. You have the power to choose everything; yes you have the right to speak and act as you so see fit! Eat what you like, say what you like, you also end up with your own consequences! You cannot continue to punish yourself without your body wearing the brunt of it and your mind; you cannot take from your relationship and punish those who love you without it having a consquence; you cannot keep spending, wanting and needing, without a risk of running out! You are not infinite!
If you want something different, do something different. 
As you condition yourself, you condition others.  The scary part is watching parents conditioning their children, despite all our skill and survival over millions of years, we still have generations of human beings following the same patterns of their parents and those before them, without at least adjusting a few improvements! If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
In the first five years of development our moral coding begins imprinting on our brains; respect, honesty, our sense of self and reasoning or alternatively disorder, poor self esteem, anti social behaviour (dominant, controlling, difficulty making new friends etc), dishonesty! These are the years of shaping our personality, the innate beliefs about ourselves, our dependence on others (or not). Throughout childhood how we speak to our children is the voice they hear in their heads, whether you believe it or not. 
So where is the balance? What is the point?
The point is for the world to have balance you have an opportunity to be the best you can be.  I'm not suggesting 'the best' that would be to compare you with others and once you go down that path you begin the same spiral.  This is about you.  Are you your best? Do you use your talents? Do you embrace the day? Could you improve your health? Could you love more, be more, do more?
If you don't want your child to be something or someone, ask yourself why? Is this about them or you? Why does it matter? What matters to them? How we value each other is by showing respect for the things that matter to us, through our own eyes. When you criticise, humiliate and belittle, you are telling a story of irrelevance, it doesn't matter, it isn't important, they are not worthy. Your chink in the chain of balance sets in motion an alternative ripple which works against what you unconsciously seek; meaning, to be loved.
I was having a chat with a friend this morning, which spark these thoughts.  They had always needed someone to tell them how to live, what to do and when, their unhappiness with themselves was projected onto others which created this continuous cycle of unhappiness, it justified their actions.  Then the penny dropped. 
There are many different approaches to becoming self actualised, to developing as an adult.  You could go to a therapist who might squeeze the pus out of your unconscious childhood issues, may ask you to lay down on a couch or might empower you to come up with your own solutions.  There is no one way, only the way that works for you.
I'm a strengths based approach person.  I find when people are going through hell it's best not to top up their load with more crap, by digging open wounds which were partially healed, to tell someone when they are worn and tired you need them to run a marathon! I've seen many positive results by people who focus on what they are doing right, enhance their strengths and get themselves into psychologically and physically awesome shape before tackling an olympic style emotional surgery.  No one likes to be kicked when they are down. I'm not suggesting you enable anyone's behaviour, you only allow someone to treat you the way you think you deserve, there is never an excuse for someone wiping their feet on you! That is their issue, handball it back!!!!
We make up rules and justifications to hold on to that which only hurts ourselves; such phrases as "they can't be trusted...." "they made me do it.......", yet trust really is what you extend, someone doesn't give it to you at all. It has been a constant lesson for me in recent years, most importantly trusting myself to make good decisions.  I've had the complete extremes of lessons, friends who said they wouldn't know a more trustworthy or honest person on the planet and others who when life doesn't go right for them, disregard every connection you've ever made and reach for you as the first person to blame; life has this way of presenting the lessons, whether we choose to listen is another thing; trust is never about someone else, it is about you, about trusting yourself, your feelings, your friendship.  You could pour yourself into a relationship and at the end of the day if the other person has trust issues, you will always seem untrustworthy, whether you are an angel sent from heaven or not. This will always be about their vulnerability.  Trust is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and for some that doesn't sit so well.
I do believe whole heartedly that when you change yourself, when you reflect on yourself as a contributor, you empower yourself with courage and strength, you see your potential, you see you have the capacity to change the circumstances of your life.  You wake up and realise you have been sitting in the back seat and it's about time you drive this life.  You start with being honest with yourself, your motivations and intention.  You look at yourself in the mirror and you absorb the reality of where you are, you are a beautiful, amazing human being and you have so much to offer the world!!!!
Up til now life has been a challenge, all that is going to change, it starts with your attitude.  You are going to be grateful for every single blessing. You are grateful people love you, want you and enjoy your being around.  You will start with respecting yourself and respecting others. You role model your children beauty, radiance, fairness, human compassion and understanding; you create the foundation  of your legacy, respect of self, respect of others, responsibility for your actions.
You contribute to a global shift, that it is time we stop taking, step up and start taking responsibility for ourselves, each other and the planet. It is time to give back. 
You are here, you exist, you have survived not on your own, with the help and support of many, some of whom you will never know. You are grateful beyond measure, for the roof over your head, the food on your table, for the people who matter to you, for life!
You are going be the change you want in your life.  You know where you came from, we all made some bad choices, they were hard lessons, now its time to put those lessons into action. You are going to start and start right now.  xoxoxo

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