The voice of the soul through time

Why do we still send a fax these days? You don't know who is going to receive it at the other end or where it will end up.  For goodness sake we have email!  Or maybe the lessons are hidden in the mundane & the irritating.  Maybe it was never about about the fax, more the journey towards another catalyst, another opportunity for change, a sign post, a turning point.  How often do we focus too long on the irritating & mundane, then miss the sign posts?

Books have this way of finding me, in random stores in remote places, 2nd hand, new, the corners of libraries & to be honest I've never liked maps. I figured after my first experience with a GPS when my temptation was to speak back & I wanted to hurl it out the window, being told where to go & how to get there was something  I had to work on. Ah the universe & her wisdom, a book is less confrontational, a piece of art more reflective & a gentle nudge, the decision to turn their pages, tuck them in my bag & curl up in bed when all is quiet, absorb the lesson is entirely mine.

Open to such a moment, waiting on yet another fax, a book caught my eye on the 'someone just returned me shelf; who could resist the title 'Only love is real'. First the smirk, then the schema 'yeah right' & then the question to the sarcastic self, "so how do we measure love Dr Weiss"....mmm interesting a doctor writing on love being a tangible living, breathing, hold in your hand, transcend time thing! Can we cut it out, stitch it up, attach it when it's missing & such a little book how could it possibly stand up to all these questions. Flip the back over & browse the comments....mmm more MD's. "Finding & reunited with your soul mate will bring you to profound bliss & happiness, safe in the knowledge that you are together always to the end of time"....Ah....bliss & happiness, what I've always wanted! (Yes I'm still being sarcastic). More doubting thoughts with the speed of lightening challenge the Goddess within; who whips  out a response & orders them  to sit down & shut the hell up.  Come on we are 40 something (maybe a bit more but let's not get too honest here), single & it's been a while.  At times we think passion is something that grows wild on the back fence! So what could it hurt to read the sign post? OK get out the card & grab the book, faxing done.

(A) "God may be in the details,

but the Goddess is in the questions.

Once we begin to ask them,

there's no turning back."

- Gloria Steinem

Being one always up for a good debate on what is & isn't real I couldn't resist Dr Brian Weiss' interesting perspective on two souls connected through time. Not just any time, not this time, or the last time, all time. It's not like this is a new concept, from movies to music, it would seem we long for a depth of connection no science can define, industries thrive on our search to understand the inner voice. Maslow suggests our foundations lay in the concrete of our innate need to connect.  We can try to run from it, hide from it, beat the crap out of it, as human beings we need to love & feel loved.  It would appear if you miss the boat in those critical years your soul aches for the attachment; searching high & low, with no map in hand, seeking out that critical connection which puts the yin in your yang.  With no 'all seeing eye' to guide your way.  

Only the self knows the true nature of it's longing; no one can define it for you, mould it, buy it or hand it over.  It has to be you.  Something greater than us all connects the dots. The true self, the real self, the you behind the wall & buried deep self. You, naked, raw, scars & complete you. You are not a God or Goddess, yet. Our purpose is to strive to their status, to do better, be better & keep going. We each carry them within.  Think about it; if we can carry a billion codes of genetic proportion to shape the colour of our eyes, our skin, the structure of our teeth, the freckles & whether we will need to always pull the car seat forward or not, why then is it so hard to conceive we carry the memories, the passion, the soul of those before us. Don't go attacking this like an analyst on a PlayStation, you cannot fulfill the picture by joining 2. to 50. You need to follow the path. Sometimes we get lost, we meet lots of people along the way. Like Alice down the rabbit hole we long for a little magic on our way home, there is a temptation to detour too often, to mistaken lust for love & attempt to fill the void with whoever & whatever we can find when we are overwhelmed with loneliness & longing, when the searching is unbearable.

Suck it up people! You can get another job, buy another house, save a bit longer; do you really need to spend more time on the mundane & less on your souls purpose? So you loved once or love many, nothing is lost on the journey.  It can take a while for the soul to wear in the new body, especially when it is challenged daily by an ego the size of the universe. What could be more relevant to you, more meaningful & life changing than to listen to your calling, to be the best you can be.  What if you discover not only do you have a soul (no it doesn't have a picture, a program or a map), a bit like Hancock or Jane Foster, it longs for it's other half, it searches for your balance. Yet at the end of all days, whatever floats your boat, just don't go blaming a God or a parent, a wrong turn you took because in your last breathe you realise all those critical moments you could have done things differently, the should have, could have, would have.  There is always an end. It will be time for your soul to go to the next life & your poor soul, battered & bruised with no result may hope for a light bulb moment way before the last rites next time it decides to inhabit the shell of a human being.

It's crazy, insane even, I know this to be true.  The wildest dreamers of history remain the most influential.  It is the passionate, the visionary wanderers who know in the depth of those souls, a dream is not a dream unless it's big.  Don't get caught up in the mundane, in worrying about ques, waiting & appointments, someone cut you off, you haven't got time, you want more.  Cut the crap people, get real with yourself.  Everything you need for this adventure is right there inside you.  What you need is not on any map, you can't search to the heavens & you still won't find the voice you are seeking. 
This is truly the Indiana Jones of all lifetime adventures.  Your life, this life, have you ever wondered about that box inside, the one which stores the memories, the passion, the quiet voice inside you that you desperately need to be slapped with at times using a piece of 4x2 to let you know you took the wrong turn! Wake up inner God & Goddess! You can't find it in a new house, a new kitchen, a new car, collecting, hoarding or baking.  Go ahead keep busy so you don't have to take this journey.  Sit down & throw your hands up in a tanty, it's a choice.  It serves no one & least of all you.  Your sitting quiet, blaming others, wanting more will not bring you closer. You are not in control, there is no control. You cannot live your souls purpose through your children, your family or your friends.  There are choices, times for change & direction.  Like a winding maze listening to the beat of a heart, the glow of a light, you can choose to follow the sounds, the sign posts or go your own way. The message here seems to be clear, you can open yourself up to everyone amazing life changing experience or do things your way.  You can't replace it, make it or find it.  Your soul isn't at a clearance sale. It was there long before those cells started to divide & divide & divide to make way for that body you punish in search of what you already HAVE!.  It has chosen you, it has faith you can do this & like all that exists even our soul requires balance.

Look around us, light/dark, male/female, yes/no, keep going, you will see it in every corner of the globe....balance.  What makes you think your soul is any different.  It depends on you to be true, to love unconditionally, to learn from each experience, to open your mind, trust your instinct & lead with your heart, be the best you can be.  You have many mountains to climb, a journey that will wear you down, break you & build you up time & time again.  You may rest in the valley, enjoy the view from the top, just don't stop.  You will know what is true, trust yourself more than any person.  If you can't trust a single soul, at least trust your own. You will know when you find the other half. You will love many times & your soul will know the difference. Take every piece of ecstasy, every single taste, smell, sense you know that lifts you above your body & radiates 'feel good' & put it all together, like samples to lead you towards more. It sounds like something one person couldn't survive, a collision of volcanic proportions. It is not one or the other, it is all.  You cannot teach your soul to sing when it already has its own song & when it finds someone who knows that tune it is etched etched in time.

As Catherine shares her story with Weiss, we hear the million voices of women in loveless relationships.  Good men, bad men, good people, bad people will come in & out of our lives.  You know I know you know (I love that line!) the difference between when your heart sings, your body moves & when you compromise. For some good enough will always be enough, the risk of being alone for all eternity is too great. As the movies you watch to re charge that longing, share the universal story & so do they share our disbelief. Heartbreak, loss, grief, destined to be together, destined to be apart. The tales of superheroes which must live forever without love.  Oh for goodness sake people write your own song, direct your own movie.  You decide how the story ends.  Stop looking for someone else to tell you. Stop sitting back in your armchair admiring the ease to which successful, happy people have it all.  Wake up people! Can you honestly understand every drought, flood & strength it takes for a thousand year old incredibly strong, inspiring & gorgeous tree to hold itself so high? Have you witnessed the days nature begged it to break, to bend, to give a little more, of course not. No she held her ground, dug in those roots & she was damn determined she was not going to fall without giving out everything she had.  There is no ease to happiness or success.  It takes courage, resilience & the freedom to choose the right to be who you are destined to be. The strong, the tall, the courageous, the successful, they earn every right to be where they are. You want, go get it yourself. Love is no different.  You want ordinary, then compromise. You want to answer the call, then listen to it's voice.

Your soul knows where it belongs, it takes you there time & time again & you look away.  It uses aversion therapy to bring you to the edge of the abyss & to get you to take a good look at what you risk missing.  Sometimes we see it & kid ourselves in believing we can take for granted a moment in time, we can have it again.  Trust me on this one, sometimes there is such a moment as once in a lifetime. Listen to it, slow down, breathe, in & out, get to know yourself, you more than anyone else should be able to tell your story.  When you are ready, the universe will deliver.

So it isn't often you find the story of a human being, a scientifically trained, educated, experienced, scientist, psychiatrist of the Jewish faith who challenges the medical & scientific models when he explores a fascinating story of souls connected, the beauty & passion of the human soul, the ultimate story of love long after death. We long for it, ache for it, drives our passions, brings out the best & worst in us.  What is it we are seeking, why do we need it, why is life empty or without balance without it.

Fascinated by human behaviour, excited by a new perspective & amused by those who search to define that which cannot nor will ever be measured, I enjoy the opportunity to read the wisdom of a human being who has discovered this truth, who has been brought to their heart rather than their knees via a process which challenges the fabric of all they have known.  Someone who hasn't let religion, status or their profession wrap them in a magic cloak of ignorance, sheltering them from everything else that is outside their scope. Here it is people, the wisdom across all time! You do not know everything, you cannot, will not & therefore you do not have all the answers. You were given a ticket, a ride you are on whether you like it or not. It will have a start & a finish, how you experience the journey is up to you.

I am first a human being, I am a woman among many labels, I am also single; so a bit excited by the prospect that somewhere in the trillions of our population is someone with a soul (which on its own is a miracle) searching for me.  The optimist is excited, no longer do I need to be a warrior, leap tall buildings in a single bound, be the first one into battle, do I need to throw myself into every challenge & test after test.  I can throw down the sarcasm, the fronts & behinds, somewhere, out there is my balance, we are lost, my soul & I, I can't find it or maybe I didn't recognise it when we crossed paths again in this lifetime & I was too damn pig headed to read the map! That would be the optimist.

Now let the pessimist take a turn.  Is this perspective suggesting that like a needle in a haystack, no actually that would be too small, a needle in the ocean, on the bottom of the deepest, darkest, undiscovered part of the ocean may be the key to all we are, the other half of my soul. The soul that sends me into battle, into heartache & tragedy, life after life she looks for you I long for you, never knowing that I never needed to carry that baggage all this time! In each lifetime, like magnets we are entwined. I will only know you when we connect and I must wait. I may have felt your touch, held your hand & not realising the significance or did I, I let it go.  You may not even recognise who I am, we may have to do this meeting over many times, across many centuries & still our chances are slim. Yet I am still to believe & I am to hold onto faith, to answer the call whether you find me or not.  Am I to now understand, I am the voices of a thousand lost souls & this epiphany is our turning point? You are close & yet still so far!

"There is someone special for everyone......  They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time & the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side of heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them.....You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone. You head may interfere "I do not know you", your heart knows. .......for the first time, and the memory of (the) touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being."

As many of you would know I tap away here in the hope I may spark some interest in one of many books I have started, weed through the insanity of my thoughts, the ramblings of my imagination & put the finishing touches on at least one of these projects before the next life.

Where does it end, where does a soul begin? Do we seek the answers in books we call religion, seek understanding by deities & Gods, for fear of asking ourselves the right questions would be too complex & unbearable.  Are the stories we share across cultures & time, our attempt to rationalise that which we can never define. Heaven forbid we would have to trust ourselves, trust our heart, trust our soul to take responsibility; the choices we make would be of our own making & carry the weight of possessing gifts on our own shoulders. There would be an acceptance of not having all the answers, of letting go of the control.

If fate & destiny dictates the meeting of souls, then why look at all, why rush, complain or force it.  Why not sit back, enjoy the ride & take in the view. We WILL meet them, they will be there, time & time again across lifetimes. If you do not step outside your safety zone how could you possibly cross paths again. Would it not be best to embrace all life on this planet, to be friend to all, to love unconditionally. With no need to ever fear being unloved, unwanted; knowing we are never alone.

"and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are goose flesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance. He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on."

Yet here we go again, this carriage has too many voices. The ego steps in, the Goddess, the ego & the self go head to head as I turn the pages. I go through hell across centuries, I carry more scars than Frankenstein and then he doesn't know who I am! Come on Dr Weiss, give me more hope. OK the strong, cape flapping women out there, hiding behind our swords & intimidating presence, I'll stand up & face the music, I'll reveal what is known in the secret garden; we all have a little Elspeth Dickens in us. Tired, superwomen, babies tucked under arms, more in the out groups than the in, singing (or blogging or painting, pick your medicine) our way through our lives, losing ourselves in the process .  Who wouldn't appreciate a gesture in the form of a community stopped by your other half who happens to look like Ronan Keating (OM gosh sings like him too & wears an awesome apron on its own!) frozen in their froth by the sounds of a whale bellowing from a helicopter like chariot, the sounds of a mate looking for his other half, searching for it (as if my expectations weren't high enough).  Is it any wonder on attempting to clear the head whilst digesting the pages of Dr Weiss' discovery & my small attempt at clarifying the most complex of all human desires I was caught off guard by an intense headache, feeling of unwellness & without notice (& thankfully on an empty stomach) brought up the collections of my stomach all over my desk, the PC & my self! Yes I hear the Goddess now "you did say a piece of 4x2 didn't you!".

Thank you Dr Weiss for igniting the faith, rekindling the flame, restoring a little light a while longer. This inner Goddess is tired & worn, this adventure has been more like a primal reality show of warriors reunited. Wherever he is, I guess he is out there, maybe he is lost & he is tired & you've given me if anything an opportunity to expand the mind to consider how a medical professional of your calibre could believe in past life regression then it was worth exploring further.

Who am I & why am I here, is the voice of the soul through time.  Will someone love me, hold me, want me, need me, keep me safe or will we carry the weight of a thousand souls & travel this lifetime alone.  Is it real, is love real? Can it awaken me, move me, show me a living I'm yet to comprehend? (OK yes I know the good friends out there have already worked out I haven't had enough caffeine, sleep or well maybe chocolate!).

It's time to pull this stage of the journey over to the curb for a nap, a recharge & a little more caffeine.  I leave you with Dr Weiss, a little inspiration & for the Goddess & God's within us all, aspire & long for another day - balance, people, it really is as simple as that.

"Destiny can be so delicate.  When both recognise each other,

no volcano could erupt with more passion. The energy

released is tremendous.  Soul recognition may be immediate.

A sudden feeling of familiarity, of knowing this new person at depths

far beyond what the conscious mind could know. At depths usually

reserved for the most intimate family members. Or even deeper than that.

Intuitively knowing what to say, how they will react. A feeling of safety & a trust

far greater than could be earned in only one day or one week or one month.

Soul recognition may be subtle & slow.  A dawning of awareness as the

veil is gently lifted.  Not everyone is ready to see right away.

There is a timing at work, and patience may be necessary

for the one who sees first"

Dr B. Weiss



Who are you & what will it take for you to matter to yourself?

OK, this recurring theme just keeps raising it's head like a leopard seal after a singing penguin; begging to either hit it hard or let it have it's way or just keep running! What will it take people, to get up and start living the life you deserved? The one you dream of in the quiet moments, the busy moments, the moments you run so hard on that pavement you feel the impact of the femur and the femoral head as they grind away with the pelvis.
Why do we do it? Block, cut off, drown out, suppress, whatever you want to call it, busy ourselves instead of sitting with what is and what is right, what moves our soul to sing and dance.  Oh that is right, maybe you have forgotten what that is like or worse still you can't recall a moment when your soul moved you to a place above ecstacy other something you digest.
When was the last time you cut loose? Put on your favourite outfit because you just wanted to? When did you tell someone how amazing they are, what they mean to you, how they matter in this world? When did you tell the person you love how you feel to know they live inside your heart? Whilst you are busy worrying about what people will think, is it insane, is it a risk, life is passing you by and so is every person, every event that brings you closer to what you long for.

Some time ago in a rush to get into town and have a few things done, I was asked by my little person what should they wear and of course with being a massive busy person addict, I said wear whatever you like.  Have you ever said this to a 5 yr old?

So out comes this radiant beauty of confidence and independence, hot pink leopard print tutu, with a huge tule skirt, black lace up pirate boots, a feather/fluffy jacket and a crown "I'm ready"....Who could not smile at that picture!

On entering Maccas for a quick treat on the way home I was pulled aside by my little person who asked if people were staring and why would they, so I reminded her it was just at how amazing, daring and gorgeous she is..and what was her response "I know".

Oh to be five again, to be brave enough to be emotional & honest with yourself, let alone others; to rip down the walls of bricks and mortar, security and self protection, to reveal our vulnerability, passion and dreams.  To take off the masks and reveal the true identity, sheltering in comfort & ease, yet too proud or scared to step outside the safety zone.

What are you so afraid of? What happened on the way to adulthood that stole your bravery, courage and risk taking.  Who was it that with a big heeve ho, tossed you behind that brick wall you hide yourself behind, the one who is terrified of letting their heart reveal secrets you agreed to take to the grave; say what needs to be said, be forgiving, understanding, unconditional.

If I said grab some paper and don't start writing until go and write all the questions you've never asked, all the dreams you have, all the desires, passions, thoughts, wishes, things you wish you could do, how much paper would you need?  No I'm not talking just about your bucket list (last time I went down that path I opened up a bloody hornets nest & had to remove the post!). There are some out there who believe anyone who needs a bucket list, who desires anything more than what they have right now is selfish, self centred & has major issues with gratitude.  Yet to put a flip side on that self righteous notion, aren't you not taking for granted the very life you have been given? What about all the children, adults, people out in the world right now suffering, with moments to live, those who have gone before us with unfinished dreams & desires.  I'm sure they would give more than just their opinion to trade your life for the one they no longer have.

Come on people, dig, get out a bulldozer size dig if you have to & dig deep.  Why are you locking away your heart? That soul is aching, it is needing you to find that damn key, open that lock and give it wings! You are your dreams, your actions, every foot you put forward, each time you stand still, you give & take, no one else does it for you. Stop passing the buck.  He/she does not hold you back, you hold yourself back, life has some big ropes that do their best to hold you down, you are the only person who can break those ties or wind them up until you work it out. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance.  You cannot possibly predict how others will react until you give it your best shot.

The thing about behaviour is that whatever you do will affect how someone responds and acts. Shit happens! Yep let's call it what it is & sometimes it comes in a truck, a cup or it drowns you & you nearly suffocate under it. Not everyone can be bothered with thinking before they speak or act & sadly each of us will be the victim of this at some point in our lives.  There will be some who know the incredible pain that is inflicted at the hands of another, either by words or their actions. I can't change that for you, I can't even change my own past.  What I can do is change my attitude towards it, I can take back the power or I can keep feeding it. I can stay on the floor (where the view is dismal) or get my arse off the floor & keep going. That is my choice. Yep there are rules, we live with them, are governed by them and they attempt to keep us from too much chaos and disorder. 

What happens is you get told you can't do something enough, you believe it yourself.  Where you believe in the psychoanalytic stuff that underneath all that white matter or weaved in between it are your tape recordings played over & over in your head that will be the foundations of your decision making.  Some believe it's as simple as wiring.  As a child the lessons we learn are the lessons we keep.  Yet let me tell you what makes you a clever smarty pants species is your capacity to change, to make choices, to basically get your crap together.  Your past does not define you.  Whatever happened, happened & wow did it happen! See it for what it is, take some lessons from it, turn it around in the palm of your hand & take back the power over who you become.

I'm well aware, having seen it in children more than enough, actually probably just as many adults who still believe their voices from childhood.  If you are reminded of what you can't do enough, you forget about what are your strengths, you begin to loose sight of them.

If you are hurt often enough, you begin to believe you are not worthy of love.  You stop believing in its endless possibilities. You give up, give in, let go, hold on too tight. Your stop adapting & changing & growing, you stop learning. You become bogged down & stuck & just like a vehicle pulled to the side of the road, you've turned the engine off & just watching the rest of the world go by.  

When someone lies, deceives and hurts you, you not only stop trusting others, you stop trusting yourself. You stop risk taking, you play it safe, put a few more bricks on that wall and bunker down for life.  As the days go by, you build it higher & you become more comfortable there, not sticks & stones going to get over that wall.

I was there, I'm not talking out of my posterior! I held back, put up with and made excuses and they were justifications for playing the same song rather than learn something new. It is far easier to stay in what is than to go what isn't.  Fear builds anxiety & the more you feed fear the more anxious you are & nothing triggers fear more than uncertainty.  It takes enormous courage & strength to look fear in the face & tell it to get out of your way. Once you do, every step becomes easier & you wonder why you waited so long.

Nothing puts you out there more, builds those biceps & strengthens those butt muscles more than life throwing you back over that wall and you having nothing and I mean nothing to loose. Stop wasting hours in the mirror feeding that uncertainty of who will see you, what will they think, will I be liked, will they laugh; stop listening to all those voices in your head & put on something you love, get comfortable & the right people won't care & those that do won't matter anyway. You realise the people who catch a glimpse of you in your gumboots and favourite lace skirt, hot passionate red lipstick in the daytime, may pass a glance, yet given their minds are so small I bet they won't recall you or that day in 24hrs let alone years from then. If you don't get that stuff off your chest, it will clog up those arteries, it will weigh down that heart and it will anchor the soul in despair.  Cut some loose.

Someone once told me not to change to be what others wanted, otherwise as a chameleon it would never stop & you would never know who you were looking at in the mirror, it would scare the crap out of you everyday! Be yourself & those who are attracted to you will stay & linger, those who don't, let them leave. You do not need to impress anyone, you are impressive. There is nothing more exciting, attractive, sexy, than a person who is unique. You don't need to be the edited, photo chopped chick on the front cover of the magazine, you are you, be proud of you, scars & all.  Find your own style, find your own words, discover your truth. Be YOU!

What we all strive for, ache for & long for, even if we run from it, even if we try & spend all our time & energy working on that wall & cave we hide in, is our need to connect, to belong to someone, to something bigger than ourselves. If you are not you, if you don't even know who that is, how will anyone else?

I was walking through the shops a few weeks back & came across a couple holding hands. Nothing unusual about it at all. It was just one of those days as a single person, busy, life going not exactly as you plan, that you catch a glimpse of this very large woman, no shoes, piercing in many places I would be reluctant to be pierced & a very thing, no shoes (I think they were pants he was wearing, yet I could see more of his underwear than his trousers) & they were gazing at each other, their hands were locked tight & I was thinking wow, just wow. All the dressing up & dressing down & doing what you think is the right thing to make the right connections is only going to push you further off the radar. Just go out there & be the best you, the authentic you & find someone who wants the real version of you.

What legacy do we pass to our children about life, believing in ourselves, being the best we can be if we are sitting in our comfort zone making excuses? They don't need our permission to be their best, they need us to show them. Do you give up, give in? Do you have a wall? Have you dug yourself into a cave? Do you even know who you are? How can they learn how to believe in themselves if you don't believe in you or for them in that matter.

Put on your gumboots, fairy wings and go to town if you have to!
Dance in the kitchen if the music fills you up. Pick up the phone & even if there is no reason & it scares the hell out of you, tell them you love them, you always have, always will & you don't need anyone to complete you, you are complete & they would be crazy to let you go & if they do....let them. Pick up yourself & put on your big girls pants, favourite lipstick, saddle up & keep going.

I was out the other day at the gym, having a chat with someone who is struggling with their body image and they made a comment that it was "ok" for me as I didn't have to worry about that.  Worry no, I don't.  I honestly don't care about some fake, plastic image society has conjured up through people who never stop to question why. Yet luck? I'm me because of luck? 

It is not luck that drags me up everyday and works damn hard every step of the way, every ache, every injury, every kilometre I have to change my music frequently to keep motivating myself to keep going. At first it was self loathing & punishment, now it is a reward. It was the most empowering decision ever. To cut loose those chains that held me back from every decision, every risk, every dream I had.

"What if....." someone put to me, "What if you went after them (dreams, goals, passions) one by one, have you ever thought about what if you caught one? how different you life could be". What if, like Alice down the rabbit hole, you kept going, with no clue as to what or who was up next.  You keep those witts about you, believe in a little magic & hang on tight to that faith! Churchill was spot on, when you get to the end of that rope, tie a knot in it and hang on, swing if you have to!

The obstacles didn't disappear & it was far from easy, yet my attitude had changed, nothing and no one was going to hold me back again.  I savor the shaking in my boots stuff for later & I play Clint Eastwood's voice in my head when the going gets tough "go ahead make my day". Like an energy sucker, I absorb that frustration, the judgements, the untruths; I pack it into that childhood luggage & use it to build those biceps, push the hail damage out of those thighs & all the while smile through the fog in my glasses & sweat running down my neck. I changed my affirmations to remind me of the words of a cancer patient, you can take most things from me, yet you will never take my will power, I will hold it tight til the end. This is no battle or war, it's a willingness to accept the things I can change & can't and to do something about those things I can. I'm no perfect body, I'm not even what the media says is a perfect size, I still like pizza & I still love a glass of wine.  I love even more to feel good about myself & all the working out, starving myself & matching my image to media generate ones will not do that.

Rules like when to do the dishes, when to mow the lawn, what to wear to town, how I can love, who I can't, who I can forgive, who I should, who I should be, who I shouldn't, these ridiculous rules that others conjure up in the boredom of their own lives, in the hope that if they focus on mine long enough, they won't have to address any of their own.  I will be who I choose to be, love who I choose to love, live how I choose to live, I will share my gifts with who I choose to.  I will not bow to your socially constructed ignorant pictures of me.  I don't need you to tell me who I am, I decide.  I don't need you to tell me I'm worthy, I decide.  I don't need you make me feel like I matter, I do matter & if you aren't smart enough to see that then how very sad for you to not have someone like me in your life.

It wasn't luck when I was around 35kg heavier and it isn't luck to balance it while juggling a cup that is already overflowing, another degree, a new career and enough moving to consider a life as a gypsy would be easier! It wasn't luck to rip my heart out from that cave I'd stashed it in for safe keeping & preservation until anthropologist discovered it in its immaculate entirety thousand of years from now, what would they learn from an unused heart, slightly worn & tired? I took it out of that box & couldn't be bothered sticking in on my sleeve, plus I had other plans for those biceps, I stuck it right out front, like a target, with a go ahead take your best shot sign! I thought it is now or never & maybe it will be both.

Be careful people, careful you don't assume that smile has not come without effort, pain and a story you only read about.  Careful not to over generalise or simplify your friends, people who may be smiling through their sheer determination never to give up. This is not luck, something you toss a coin for or gamble on.  You can't bet on life, there are no guarantees. If you don't take the shot you, the opportunity is gone, the wind will change & the conditions along with it & before you know it what once was is now gone.

I can't tell you how to change your life, only you can do that & I wouldn't want to, I'm too busy sorting my own.  I can only chat away about what has worked for me, inspire others, challenge myself and keep going forward. I've learned through experiences I wish I'd never had, that life is not easy, it's damn f***ing hard at times, it could be made easier if someone would just put out their hand to you & help you to your feet, yet that doesn't always happen. Oh sure it would be nice to think Mr Disney was onto something; that some great hot looking perfect partner is going to slay dragons for us, has the best looking horse in town & he can ride! Manages to balance a sword & those red roses & sweep you off your feet all in one big magically swoop.  I feel nauseated just contemplating it. 

Reality is so far different than some chick flick or cartoon you day dream over. We can wish with all our capacity & still need to take a rain check on that & get on with life at times. You need to make your own choices & let others make theirs.  As painful as it can be, if someone can't see you for who you are, like Oprah once said, if they aren't prepared to ride the bus with you then they sure as hell don't deserve to ride in your limo. 

I've worked in bars, as a secretary, cleaned children's toilets, I've done so many things & adapted so many times I feel tired thinking about it. There are people who stayed for the ride & those who dropped off when I didn't fit their image of who they wanted in their life. Funny thing about that is they tend to pop their heads back up when your income goes up, life changes, you drop a bit of weight. I even had a situation where all went well & we got along like a house on fire until they realised I had tattoos & like a switch connected to their mediocre stereotyped driven brains I was then on the out. I've had guys who are more attracted to whatever image they have in their heads that pushes their buttons than they are with what comes out of my mouth. A friend's husband once told me if I only kept quiet & different have an opinion & definitely don't talk about the ugly work stuff, then I was more likely to stop being single (I'm still single). I was married to someone & in a relationship for nearly 20 years who never once read an assignment, a research piece, not one published article or attended any graduations, yet happy to tell me if my arse looked big in something or it didn't & to recommend what I should wear. What people notice about you tells you more about them than it does about you. 

From these lessons & from the loss of major relationships I invested way too much time & are no longer relevant in my life, I found myself.  I found I feel just as comfortable in yoga pants as I do in a suit. I talk & I enjoy talking, I enjoy people who talk & I love what everyone has to say, even when it is wrong lol :) I don't need to find a relationship to complete me, I'm complete. If someone comes along that looks at me & sees the sparkle on my face, behind every scar & lesson that has shaped me along the way; someone who takes the time to listen, to appreciate & can be honest then wow I'll look forward to that, yet I don't need it like I need to breathe. I can breathe pretty well on my own. 


So what will it take? What do you need to get that key & open up that heart you've tucked away in a safety deposit box. Who are you & what is it going to take for you to matter to yourself enough that you dig deep & take a hammer to that wall, take a tank to it if you have to.  What is it going to take for you to come out of that cave & take a look at the view, to find someone to keep you warm, to hold you when you are at your best & worst; when you are sexy & when you need tissues battling the flu. Someone who loves your arse in summer & winter (as we all know winter is a time of comfort food). There is no better time than now to love with all your might, to dance with the freedom of a child  oblivious to an audience, sing like you are the finalist for X Factor and love so great, so unconditionally that you don't need it returned, you have enough to give away & still keep going. Let those in who find it & appreciate it. Wave on & wish them well those who don't. 

Whatever happened before you, before today is yesterday.  You did what you had to do, you survived. You are stronger, more capable & you have learned a few lessons along the way. Now be YOU!

Take a chance on you. 
Take a chance on someone else. 
Take a chance on something different.
Take a risk & if it doesn't work, do it again & again & again.
You are worth the risk.
Believe in yourself. 
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are complete.

I am different, I am worthy, I am worth the risk and I will keep going whether you realise this or not. 

Now where is that lycra & those boots!

Namaste xoxo

How much do you let in.....

Stranded at the crossroads the other morning, waiting for the cargo train to pass in order to turn onto the main road; no one could move and no one was willing to let me in.  Cars pilled up one by one, most tried not to glance to the side at the waiting cars at the cross road, I guess if I'm not there then they don't need to change, to do anything different. 
At the supermarket a week or so ago, every checkout maxing out, only one unopened & a quietly spoken young girl came over & said I could move over to her checkout as she was about to start for the evening. As I bent down to pick up something that had fallen an older man pushed past nearly knocking the rest out of the basket and to the amazement of several customers rushed to be the first one at the opened counter. Noticing the young girl who was unsure what to do, I just smiled as he demanded to be served and hurried on his way.
People rushing past a sleeping homeless person, a stranded car, lovers too busy following poorly written social rules to tell each other the truth; people holding back their hearts, trying desperately not to notice anything that could disrupt them from their mission of the day, to basically get on with their day to pretend in their world "everything is gonna be alright". We are surrounded by busy people, rushing, shoving, with no real focus, just an ego stuck in over drive charging them forward into an abyss.
Sitting there waiting the other morning, running slightly late yet in no hurry I wondered about this shoving, pushing and excuses people tell themselves in order to ignore everyone & everything around them; how much we let in, how much we let anyone in, how busy we become in the day to day routine and nothingness of getting by, the words we reassure ourselves with if we have ever participated in this type of behaviour ourselves, what justifications people use to ignore a person in need, including themselves. Do you ever wonder how much do you let in?
This isn't a behavioural phenomena of recent thoughts; I'm constantly amazed by how little people communicate clearly and openly with the people they care about most, let alone ignoring those who have lost their way or have difficulty asking for help; how someone could have a child, marry, make a committment, buy a house with someone, yet unable to tell the truth about themselves, to be vulnerable, to let someone in.
Brene Brown spent 6 years looking at this behaviour of human beings, tapping down into our connections to land squarely on our fear of vulnerability, on our relationship with worthiness, breaking human beings into those who allow themselves to be vulnerable, as those capable of doing so when they feel worthy and those surrounded by a fortress, struggling with trust, control issues, addictions, constantly trying to fill a gap in themselves with material possessions and monetary gain, whilst deep down resent vulnerability, as it tells a tale of their feelings of unworthiness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Connections, these interactions everyday of our lives is the meaning in life.  To allow ourselves to be so vulnerable that we reach out to another human being, to allow another to touch us requires our ability to transcend shame, fear, anxiety and take a step into the unknown; why? because it feels right and it is.
It is a risk reaching out, just like learning a new skill, jumping into the deep end for the first time, trying something you've never done before.  Many will tell you to not waste your time, yet this is afterall your time how you choose to spend it is entirely up to you. What could be richer in experience than to give and love unconditionally another human being?
How we interact, touch, change and communicate with others tells more about us, than it does about them.  Your inability to stop and have the time to understand the world through someone elses eyes due to "it's not my problem" or "I'm too busy" or "I don't care", this tells your story, not theirs.
I was having one of those days the other weekend, having just taken a dagger to the self esteem, I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to trust, only to have it rolled into a canyon and fired back with a lightening bolt strapped to it, luckily for me I was on my knees (already down) and close to the ground at the time, so it missed. I felt like crap yet nothing like having a passion for human behaviour and insatiable instinct to analyse why we do, including ourselves, what we do, much easier to recall the "forgive them for they know not what they do".
Amazing whilst people can be completely wrong in their assessment of you, just hearing their lack of understanding is still painful, regardless of the ignorance, so whilst one can forgive, it takes time to forget. I Tried washing it down with a few mind numbing cold ones, yet in the morning it was still there.  I went for a run, headphones on, music loud, no one was getting in to change this mood I was on a mission.  Then it appeared, this tiny fragile infant Kingfisher, having nearly knocked itself out flying into a window, so frail it allowed me to pick it up and deliver it to the nearest wildlife rescue centre. I was away from home & had no idea where to go, so I asked around.  One by one strangers, complete unknowns came to the rescue of this little bird. A guy interrupted having his morning cigarette, a young waitress stopped putting out the morning breakfast tables and a cyclist who stopped to assist.  All stopped in their day to change the fate of this gorgeous tiny bird.  Azure Kingfisher actually and welcomed into the warm amazing home of a woman who had moved her life to be near her children and regularly let's strange, injured and demanding wildlife into her home to put back together and send them on their way and for nothing in return.
Sitting there at the crossroads the interaction of all these people came to mind.  What makes some let people in and others do not. Is the harm greater for letting someone in than it is to not?
The theorist Carl Rogers talks about the enormous benefits of permitting ourselves the time and patience to understand another human being, to see the world through another's persons eyes.  It is natural and easy to pass judgement on another's attitudes, their way of life, decision making and parenting, what clothes they wear, appearance they have, job they choose, these are easy obvious targets for the ordinary onlooker.  Higher level human beings, who engage their thinking skills in partnership with emotions regularly decide sitting in the back seat of a life is as boring as hell, when life has the potential to be rich, colourful and wonderful when we allow ourselves to step outside our own view of the world and think about someone elses needs, other than our own.
It is true, sometimes in life we let someone in, something climbs over that wall and like the damage of a Trojan horse we vow never to be so gullible again.  Yet rather than close our doors altogether and shut people out waiting for either a knight, white horse & a big sword or a maiden in black leather & a kitted out Landrover Discovery that parachutes in to save us, wouldn't it make more sense to just check them out a little bit more as they knock on the door, to learn from the previous lesson. To cut loose that sense of entitlement, to everything you have, to people just because why? What makes you so entitled to treat people so poorly, to live in a community you ignore are too busy to let someone in and then expect to receive so much in return. When we know better we can and should do better.  The world will not change unless we do.
It seemed like a lengthy wait at the crossroads, then I caught the smile of an older lady, some 10 cars back who decided to wave me out of the intersection, I waved in return. I was smiling as I recalled someone's words earlier how those who have the least to give, give the most, even when it is only their time.  In my younger years I grew up west of the Great Dividing Range, where waving is not reserved for kind gestures alone, a simple few fingers off the steering wheel, a full hand or a nod would suffice to acknowledge a stranger on a dusty road, a tip of the hat, a smile walking down the street.  Yet whether it is a geographical change or a cultural, more and more I see less and less connections between each other.
People want change, want a better world, happier kids, more loving partner and they want it all, the latest version and then some, with someone to tell them how to fix it when it stops working.  You could of course start by taking down that wall, brick by brick and letting them all in. Tell the guards to take some time off that gate you have under lock & key, tell them you've decided to try something different.  Open the gates.

Let people in, how hard can it be.  Yes, it takes courage to be vulnerable, it takes compassion to be kind to yourself and to others; as Brene discovers to be authentic as a human being requires vulnerability, to let go of who you think you should be, who you think the world wants you to be and to throw caution to the wind, to just be yourself.  To have a connection with another human being requires your vulnerability; to be a beautiful loving human being requires reaching out, having the capacity to say "I love you" first, beautiful people take risks. Beautiful people let people in, without knowing the outcome, without a crystal ball, without knowing all the answers.

We are far from perfect, the most vulnerable species on the planet and yet still walk around like we have some entitlement to live the way we choose, hurt what we like, not answer to ourselves or anyone else for that matter. Take off those shoes & try someone elses, swap them around each day, look into someone elses eyes, hold a hand, let go of what you carry in that backpack and for once in your life imagine the world does not revolve around you; while you stand still, while you rush to the checkout, be rude and abnoxious to people trying to help you, can't be bothered to understand anothers suffering, too tired to make a call, life is passing you by, people, connections, love is out there everywhere and you are too busy zipping by in the fast lane.


Vulnerability is not the sign of weakness it has been portrayed.  It is essential for self acceptance, in feeling worthy, capable and deserving.  Let's take a look around at our current state of affairs, the US is not the only ination in debt, addicted, obese exploding society on the planet! As Brene highlights it is impossible to numb, block out, switch off or shut down the grief, anxiety, pain, suffering, anger and not to damage the good stuff at the same time.  Emotions just don't work like that, it isn't selective, it's all or nothing. If you want people to notice you, notice people.  If you miss the feeling of love and acceptance, then start loving and accepting yourself.

"When we numb those feelings, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness and then we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning and then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple of beers and a banana muffin and it becomes this dangerous cycle."

"We pretend what we do doesn't have an affect on people."  Brene Brown

It doesn't take a lifetime, it takes a moment, it takes risk, it takes you to let people in. We belong to no one, we owe nothing, expect nothing. We have the power to change the lives of others with our kindness, our understanding, our time. To love with no guarantees with our whole heart, to reach out to others, to feel the need of others, to be compassionate, believe in ourselves, in each other, is to live authentically, is to live with no regrets, to know letting people in is about letting you out.

We are evoling not revolving - the power of language

A word of warning, my language is all over the place here today.  I recently had an experience where I allowed myself to witness ignorance at its worse and I decided not to take it on.  The choice bothered me to the point I internalised it and allowed it to boil over into my communication with those totally uninvolved in the previous situation (the collateral damage) and kept me awake for the rest of the evening.  So my usual Sunday blog is a little disjointed, a rambling of language and thoughts. Be warned.
It's been a long while since I felt the turn of the newspaper, the quiet morning with a cuppa browsing.  I'd taken to online reporting, it's more sensitive to the environment, yet strangely enough I rarely read it anymore.  So a moment to spare, I picked up a few papers (always good to read a few points of view on the same subject! we all have those friends who could be a writer for the Telegraph).
Somewhere in PNG a young woman had been tortured for witchcraft under a tribal type system of justice. They had beaten and tortured this young woman with a poker. From a western middle class, Christian perspective (& I'm not suggesting this is mine only generalising here) I could see the gasps now, the squirmish and quickly turning to something more sensitive and interesting.  If you read on it tells the details of how the woman was handed down a system of punishment for using witchcraft on a 6 yr old child who was killed by this woman.  Would that change your perspective?
On another more elaborate full spread was the story of the Olympic SA 'Blade Runner' currently accused of taking his pistol, possibly after consuming too much alcohol and putting several bullets in his girlfriends head.  There is no history on his girlfriend.  The article featured the disappointments of a person placed so high on the hero ladder his fall collects a few misguided individuals on the way down, the ones who think to be a good person requires success in sport, politics, coming first in something; the same people thinking "oh how very sad that he should be experiencing this, surely there must be a reason for such an amazing person to behave this way". There are amazing successful people in sport, yet let's not assume that makes them nice, honest people as well. You don't think about his girlfriend, her family, her loss of potential, life ahead; you are manipulated by the lack of information you are given.
It is rather interesting the way we use language to push an agenda, to manipulate the visual representaation of language, tell the public what is more important than something else and nothing pushes my buttons more than the arrogance of a 'white way is the right way' approach to anything. On watching the anniversary of the Sorry Day speeches the other evening, I was glad to hear that our education curriculum will now represent an account of Aboriginal history which includes the Stolen Generation history, the systematic government policies of removing children from their families. 
We should never need to have such information made as part of the curriculum in order to teach our children our countries history, yet sadly in so many homes people only hear what they choose to hear. When we only teach our children one way of knowing, we promote the development of a precious bubble in which they surround themselves, believing their world is the only world, we are witnessing this more today than ever before in the change in use of language across our younger generations.  Yet let's not jump on the internet bandwagon, as at the core of language is the family environment and to be honest about it, if internet were to blame language should be improving as access to the wider world has never been more available.  Yet what is occurring is a decline in the rules of language, how we speak to others, how we share information, learn from each other.
In a discussion with a teacher the other day we were reflecting on the huge decline in language pragmatics in our children, homes and communities than ever before. The rules of language which we learn from our social environments, parenting/childhood, reading, education, knowledge, appears to be declining and we are being influenced by it's disappearance with the increase in social networking, the media grasping to hold on to their audience and needing to find more ways to influence the reader to see their way of interpreting an event. Even our political agendas manipulate what is acceptable and non acceptable forms of language in certain environments; with graphic signs of our PM with defamatory slogans and personal attacks common in the background of media reports. What does this tell our children, let alone the ignorant uneducated persons who are easily influenced by creative persuasion.
The days of minding your manners, being sensitive to someone's feelings, not always speaking your mind as the words come to your mouth, these cognitive skills we develop in childhood from our own parents, families, education; is it disappearing at such a rapid rate as a social network explosion provides immediate large scale soap boxes in which to skip all the rules of basic language. There are forums, agendas, ways to have your thoughts heard, blogging for example! Yet these are opportunities to vent appropriately, you can choose to log out, you don't have to read, you can choose read several, even hundreds of views on the same topic at the same time.  What you take on board is up to you.  When I write an article, I pull the reserach on the topic and then I search the criticism and read their research as well. It gives a balance to presenting anther point of view. 
I have a friend who has chosen for a long time not to watch the news, read the papers, follow any news basically outside their small community, with a desire to focus on what is relative to them.  At first glance I thought this was incredibly ignorant, yet on further examination of how other people develop their understanding of what is going on in their community, in the wider world I wonder if chosing to only hear one view on something, read the same paper each time (just like your father or mother or someone did) or watch the same channel, the same current affairs program, whether that is just as ignorant? This is not a conclusion merely a question.
Learning does not cease at adulthood.  Understanding ourselves, our impact on the world, on others never needs to cease.  We choose our knowledge, we choose whether to educate ourselves, we choose whether to educate our children.  We only need to follow the process of racism, sterotyping, violence; these beliefs and understandings begin in the earliest years of a child's development. It is the language they are exposed, the knowledge they are limited to, the questions that are not answered. this whole process intrigues me; at times completely fascinated by human behaviour, why people do what they do, how they do what they do and how we learn, what shapes our behaviour, modifies it and influences our interactions with each other.
The other day I witnessed a conversation between two 7yr olds, one asking if the other would like an iceblock for afternoon tea in a polite and non threatening manner and the other 7yr old responded with a loud, aggressive and categorical "why would you eat that, it makes you put on weight, it's just junk food", it was language straight out of the mouth of an adult who had predisposed their child to flippant comments only to be re shaped by a 7yr old into their way of understanding of it's relevance.  Yet adults often forget children are incredibly easily manipulated by our language, what we say; monkey see, monkey do. What was even more interesting, is the 7yr old who referred to the water iceblock as being a threat to their weight, was incredibly underweight.  The teacher and I were discussing at the time how influential a parents view of the world, themselves is to their child's, it was straight out Skinner's conditioning theories, like training a puppy, your behaviour follows down the lead.
Language is one of the most incredibly powerful tools we have as human beings, how we speak, converse, use our body language, interact with each other says alot about who we are, what beliefs we have, our education, our personality. Most people are completely unaware short simple statements reveal so much about their unconscious mental processes, their schemas (beliefs about things, people, events), their defence mechanisms; you only need to open your mouth and a history of information about you oozes out. How you use language, speak to others, understand information tells a story like a map to your encoding. These understandings have opened thousands of opportunities for profiling, predicting human behaviour, understanding who we are, it's my passion and I can see in the near future I will be swimming in a sea of literature hoping to better understand this interesting area of human development.
Most people go along their merry little way and tell themselves "I am what I am, I ain't no more" (thanks Popeye), justify their beliefs using cultural props to hold up their backbone, rather than learning to stand erect with the knowledge they have sought, to better understand their childhood encoding, it's benefits and risks. Encoding, the root of behaviour in our brain; the way we represent people, places, things, events that are significant to us, how we understand and interpret the world in many different ways does and will define our personality.  It goes on to influence our behaviour, our use of language and it will go on to influence our children's.  By understanding our persons limited understanding of the world it is much easier to predict their intelligence and success in life, even their child's; those with accurate and more organised schemas (encoded information) are closely linked with superior levels of social intelligence, high results in achieveing interpersonal goals, make friends, keep friends easier, get the jobs they want, have a high level of resilience, these people get up, get up and get up again.
So what this tells us is what we read, what we learn, what we accept as information, how we educate our children about language, about understanding the smaller and wider world forms the basics of their language and primary to influencing their behaviour, the formation of their bias, their stereotyping and understanding who they are and where they are in the grand scheme of things.
I watched a show the other evening on relationships and couples. The program focussed on identifying the issues and then developing strategies for healing the relationships, these were relationships in obvious trouble.  One would only need to see how the couples verbally expressed themselves to each other to know which relationships were going south no matter what strategies were attempted.  I recall discussing this once before and it never ceases to amaze me how little people communicate verbally and appropriately with the most significant person in their life.  They are happy to share a bed with, their most intimate parts of themselves, yet be honest in their thoughts and use of language.....pffff, no never! Bettina Ardnt (Clinical Psych & sex therapy guru) highlighted this phenomena in her book 'The Sex Diaries', of many couples who live these false, plastic lives yet too hung up on their own crap to be able to be vulnerable mentally with the one person they committed a life to! It is so insane!!!
Sometimes we use language to vent, we excuse our rants and sharp words as some sort of cathartic process to feel better about ourselves, denying the other people around us the right to live without your inability to control your emotions, to do something about educating yourself about the power of language.  Let me tell you, your apologies are all well and good yet they also condition the person who may love and have developed strong attachments to you, to be your doormat, unless you change your behaviour.  They don't deserve your crap, your irresponsible rants and raves, just because you have bottled up something and too afraid to be vulnerable, to be honest with them about how you are feeling, in a more appropriate, sensitive and respectful manner. Take some responsibility people for the power of your language, do something about it.  You are not an expert just because you know how to form words.  I ate french food once, does that make me an expert in French cuisine? You do not have all the answers, unless of course this is your field of experteise, see an expert!Your lack of insight and ability to control the power of your language tells us you have a long way to go.
I have seen this over and over and over again to the point of frustration some years ago and now to the point of knowing humanity is incredibly imperfect, flawed and underpinned by ignorance, that I will not sit quietly and listen to someone's ignorance, to do so would enable it to flourish. Never have more true words been spoken than by Mr Burke "Evil flourishes when good men do nothing". Sitting back and pretending everything is going to be OK if you just think positive thoughts, is not only stupid and naive, it's dangerous. It is those individuals who make a conscious choice to stand with a backbone, to not ignore the ego drive need to change other cultures, justify arriving into foreign shores, slaughter of millions of people in the name of advancing western civilisation.  No this is not just history, we are still doing it today.  We are still going into countries with our religion, our culture, our western practices and thinking we need to fix, remedy and improve the lives of peoples who have survived for thousands of years.  How many times have you heard the phrase "I tried to help her but she didn't want my help". It is only ever help if you have allowed the other person, country, culture to have self determination.  You don't ever need to shove help down anyone's throats, they embrace it when it is genuine and sincere. Does anyone bother to ask whether on a friendship level, family or country/cultural level does a person/country want your help? Our white way is not the right way just because someone says it is. Your religious beliefs are yours to keep, to nurture, to hold.  Why do you feel the need to ram them down the throat of others? What makes your belief so right and everyone else so wrong? Books people, books, words and language; stories of thousands and thousands of years have underpinned these beliefs.  Words underpin these beliefs, manipulated and told into so many different spin offs, it makes the head spin thinking about it.  Millions, trillions of financial institutions bricks and mortar relies on these words on the manipulation of these beliefs, there is a lot vested in promoting these and invading the shores of other countries and ramming our ways down the throats of other cultures. 
Maybe you think I'm being a bit harsh, yet I find the whole arrogance disgusting and a total waste of our humanities intelligence.  I'm not referring to the safety of others, I'm not referring to going to aid the wellbeing of other human beings; why we have borders other than to determine financial obligations and political responsibilities is questionable.  We have every responsibility to support our fellow human beings, yet to be so arrogant to want everyone to be like us? WT? because we know better? Do we really?
Take a little time to read a few anthropological studies on parenting, on the basic needs Maslow describes, our connections with each other.  We have more dysfunction and declining values, more mental health issues than many other cultures in the world. We have diagnoses that are not even heard of on some shores! Oh please give me a break.  We live in a culture where we have government funding for education, where it is a right and afforded right to go to school, yet we still have not-for-profit organisations having to provide 'sponsor an Australian child' to attend school, provide clothing, shoes and basic essentials.  We have a massive homeless rate and child abuse is not going down in statistics it is increasing! Yet we have people more comfortable with knowing what is so far away from our shores that they can be arm-chair advocates rather than do something about their own community, create a ripple of change around the globe. We have people dying in their homes in our cities, surrounded by neighbours and their corpse is discovered years down the track. Family is becoming synomous with friends, colleagues and work. People have more time to ring/message and chat on Facebook than they do to support their own family. We put sporting success at the top of our hero scales, sports people who use illegal substances, greed and power to fund their success.  We hold rallies regarding the injustices across the world, scream our distaste and shock at how women are treated around the globe yet totally oblivious to the mortality rate of domestic violence in our communities, to the mortality rate of child abuse, neglect, poverty and disease. It is so much easier to point the finger at another country, to look at our own requires taking responsibility for the impact we have ourselves on our own society.
When we know better, we have the capacity to learn more, to do more and to do better. This is our gift as human beings.  To push our our choices onto others who are neither hurting themselves or hurting others is just ignorance, it is the ego marching to the beat of it's own drum.
Who are we to take our language and use it to manipulate the language of others? That it is more important to feel disappointed about a man who kills his girlfriend in cold blood, because he wins a gold medal in running than it is to be concerned about the use of witchcraft on 6yr old children.
I'm hearing those of you out there who work in those fields where you feel the need to slap someone so hard it shakes all that encoding and schemas in their brain that they re align their basic functions so as to cease the constant justification of violence, racism, discrimination, abuse in the name of "I didn't know" or religion or I was told to.
Think for yourselves people.  Educate yourselves.  Open your mind, let the power of language educate you, so as to prevent the concrete setting on your ignorance. Do better than your childhood experiences, we are evolving, not revolving. This not the rinse and spin cycle.  We are here to do better and better and better. I'm not suggesting you go out there and tell everyone what you think they need to know, yet impart your own skills if they are open to it, impart information, listen to others, learn about each other, about cultures, religions different to your own, let your brain grow and in turn watch your behaviour change.  Be a ripple of change.  Learn how to speak, communicate and interact with all the gifts you are afforded.  Keep learning about yourself, about others, build on those blocks you have been resting your backside on for too long, get up and give your brain a chance!
I had a rather funny, yet interesting experience among many yesterday.  I was at a country show and there was this religious organisation and their big bus, which is fitted out with a health/education unit in which to help the public understand their health needs. It is an awesome concept, yet underlying is information about the religious practices and how we could better change our lives.  Anyway I thougth it would be fun to have the health check, given I have a pretty good understanding of my health at present.  So I ticked a few boxes regarding sleep, eating, exercise, alcohol consumption, basic health info.  Apparently this group had conducted a study and been able to predict the changes need to a persons health based on physical attributes (I can hear the psych friends reading this now having a giggle....yep I was laughing internally as well).
So I ticked the boxes, jumped on the scales (damn I had gained 2kg! wooo hooo so excited! no really I was), I remained polite as I do and waited for the results.  Had my blood pressure checked etc. The computer spits out this predictor of age.  It came in I am much younger than my years, however I could make some improvement on my weight as I am slightly over for my height, that maybe "I could exercise more" (yep I'm still laughing internally).
The young nurse was extremely informative, we spoke a little about the philanthropic history of the bus project, it often feeds young adolescent people at the local skate park and provides educational material on health issues at a community level.
Whilst this approach is incredibly useful for people who have no idea about their health, which always surprises me given the onslaught of media promoting good health practices, I wondered when will start using our language to highlight someone's strengths, to build them up, rather than continually telling people what they need to fix; not just on the individual level.  When will use our gifts of language to change the way we do what we do.  Oh I know it is happening all the time, we have an amazing array of 'crazy ones' as they are referred who have changed the world for the better.
Yet imagine being a single parent, slightly overweight, working your tail off doing two jobs maybe or one and studying, trying to improve your outcomes, budget is tight, do what you can, really trying hard to keep on top and you think such a little test might help you with some positive direction.  Only to be told, you are overweight, you need more sleep, you need to cut down on stress etc.  Wow just what you need more weight on those shoulders!
When the very pleasant nurse had finished I asked her what the correlation between the weight and muscle weight is, she never asked me if I was overweight due to fat or overweight due to muscle (muscle weighs more than fat). Under my clothes  I had trimmed downed my body fat to well as far as I can go today, more work still to be done, yet I had gained a few kilos not from fat, from muscle mass.  Whilst I had gained a few kilos in the last few weeks I've dropped a couple of inches, so I'm definitely losing it and gaining it in muscle! Yet the computer program doesn't provide for this.
I also asked about the psychological health questions, which there weren't any.
You can be the fittest, most controlled eater in the world, yet if you are unhappy, lonely, without love, dissatisfied with your job, your life expectancy is much lower.  Yes there are correlations between healthy people and positive people, yet as the article from South Africa above goes to show, you can be an elite athlete and psychologically you still sit in the gutter unless you can manage your behaviour; to take another human beings life is certainly not worthy of a gold medal.
Late last year in Victoria a man was stripped of his bravery medal for saving lives and risking his own life in the Black Saturday Bushfires.  After petitioning the authorities his ex wife was successful in having his hero status removed following years of sytematic horrific abuse.  He was not a hero, he was not even a nice man, he was abusive, violent and had ignorant to his behaviour and the impact it had on the people he called family.
So where does this leave us early this Sunday? Language and the power of language, you always had it.  Do you use it to evolve or are you stuck in a revolving door, leaning on the patterns of learned conditioned behaviour from childhood, because it feels comfortable and it means you don't have to change, to take on any responsibility for the mistakes of previous generations, take some guts and make the world a better place.
Language and the power of language, what do you tell your children about themselves, how do you role model the power of language.  Are they encouraged to speak up, to advocate for what is right or do you suppress with your power every opportunity they have to make sense of the world? Do you encourage them to read, to learn about other cultures, to learn about other religions, to touch, feel and use every sense to see the world as it is, not through the television and internet where they are desensitised?
I made a mistake (yep I put it here in writing lol) I will not make again.  I do not need to sit quietly and play to the ignorance of others because it makes them feel uncomfortable to be challenged on their stupidity and ignorance, nor should I expect others to treat me with the same enabling behaviour.  I look forward to the year I ahead, to a lifetime of endless learning; to be educated to the point of exhaustion on the nature of human behaviour, to think outside the square, to learn, learn and learn more about understanding why we do what we do.  The challenge will be how I will ever look with the same lense at humanity again, yet I'm already considering that is an amazing positive consequence! I am excited by the intriguing, educated and open minded people I will come across, the lives I may witness evolving, making history, bringing understanding to complex behaviours. I'm emptying out the unused crap in brain and making room for a lot more meaning and relevance.  I will not be weighed down by ignorance and apathy, nor let it dampen my spirit, erode my values or persuade me to surrender my standards.
I leave with a few ideas I came across on predictors of a child's success (please email me with more ideas - ps thanks Ms J for your email on child/parent relationship awesome research!); based on a number of behavioural theories and hope that your mind remains forever open to growth and change.

Parent indicator's of a child's success (what we do)

- Parent can think outside the square
- Parent has developed autonomy
- Parent has well developed independence
- Monkey see, monkey do (healthy lifestyle, positive communication, self respect, respect for others)
- Has a good relationship with child
- Strives to maintain a good relationship with child
- Attempts tasks beyond their own reach (models success, reilisence, perserverance)
- Exhibits intuition

Key ingredients to success & motivation for children

ACHIEVEMENT IS LEARNED = GOOD ROLE MODELLING

Strong correlations between - parent:child relationship, child's self talk/beliefs & the parents self talk & beliefs, quality of the parent/child relationship

* parent discourages inappropriate complaining/advocates positive dialogue
* build on child's strengths rather than consistent focussing on what they child doesn't/can't do
* encourage independent thinking
* encourages abstract thinking (outside the square), OK to be different, question things/advocate for yourself/others, uniqueness celebrated
* promotes multiple solutions (rejects the one way is the only way - eg encourages to seek help, parent role models ability to do so)
* encourages autonomy (responsible to self, respect for others, responsibility for their actions)
* praise succcess when it occurs
* BUILD'S THE CHILD'S INTEGRITY (HONESTY, TRUST & POSITIVE VALUES)
 

If there is light in the soul, there is love

Someone, somewhere decided it would be an awesome idea to have one day to remind others to share the love, let someone know, the someone you may never in your wildest dreams speak to at any other time, let them know of your unrequited love.  For others it is a quick stroll down the flower isle in the supermarket to acknowledge you remembered, then there are those, who justify their lack of participation by stating they love all year round and so why bother on one particular day.
Mmmm why bother to express love visually?
Being a long term single household, we refer to it as Happy Love Day, no restrictions on partnerships, relationships or unrequited love, it's a day you can be that little bit more romantic (for some it might be the only time) without needing a special reason to do so.  You can be seen holding roses and those ridiculous soft toys and the only looks will be the smiles of people as they are reminded of the sweetness of such gestures.
How do we love, why do we love and what does it look like?
For some the word love an excuse for demanding control, saying what they want and living with someone too committed, too deep in financial liability they can't get out.  For some love is painful and hurts, people use it as an excuse to vent their own inadequacies onto others.
If you are walking in any of these stories know that if you are looking for that deep, passionate, hot love they make movies out of, you won't find it strangling it out of someone else.  Real love, awesome, amazing love....starts with yourself.
Love is so incredible, it's a level way above happiness, joy, erotic desire, sadness and pain.  It is the be all of the all.  We have become so accustomed to calling every connection love.  Every boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, latest fad, latest job a facet of love.  Do we love these things, people, moments are are they merely a mediocre form of something we aspire to feel? If you are letting go of someone or something, if you've lost the motivation to put someone's needs before your own, then how do you call that love?
I've never liked the concept of 'letting go' like it is something you exorcise from your mind and body.  Everything, everyone, every experience we have in life moves us, shapes, is part of us.  Who we are right now is a mix of all those connections. If you are one of the rare human beings who found real love, the stuff that people look for in novels, poems and the stars, you don't let it go like there is plenty more what that came from.  You learn to live with it, you tuck it into a warm place in your heart, it powers you through the years, provides strength, courage and wisdom.  You don't need to hold it, strangle it or keep it in your back pocket, it is enough for you to feel grateful to be one of the chosen few to be able to love with all your heart.
Too often, too many stories in early childhood, on movie screens and beyond encourage our children to think love is an external something you find in things, when I have more I'll feel more love, when I find the right person, I'll know what love is.  You are love.  All of you.  Can you stand yourself? Would you love you? Would you be friends with you? These are hard confronting questions on such a soft and mushy day, yet let's get to the crux of it.  How can we assume we have the capacity to love so unconditionally when we have a limited ability to love the one person we should know so well, ourselves. What are we offering to someone else? Half of us? A quarter? What is left over from our anger, our frustration, our disappointments in ourselves?
There are many historical accounts of Valentine's Day, I like the story of Valentine himself.  It says sacrifice to me and love is at its core, sacrifice.
When the Emperor Claudius II made the decision that only single men made better and great soldiers, he outlawed marriage for young men, in order to create soldiers without love.  A young man by the name of Valentine, realising the injustice of this decree, defies Claudius.  Now this is where the history books waiver.  Some say Valentine was  priest who continued to perform the marriages for lovers and soldiers in secret and for this he was put to death.  Others say Valentine was a young soldier himself and refused to give up the love of his live, marrying her in secret and was killed for his actions.
As the stories go Valentine's Day is a day of honouring the name of Valentine, his sacrifice for love, above all other pursuits in life, religion, employment, finances; that nothing in life is greater than the desire to love, to share love, more precious than to receive it.
Before the internet, before telephones made direct mobile text, Facetime and connected you anywhere and just about at anytime, love travelled miles in tiny envelopes, sometimes scented, with words touched by the pen of the person, eloquent strokes of ink over pages and pages.  You put them in boxes and looked back on them across the miles apart, to keep the love alive.  Lovers held on without gifts, daily contact, instant texting, fancy dinners, holidays in the Whitsundays, they held on to what I believe passed on from Valentine, the essence of all that is love, it is hope, longing, passion. These words created friendships, they built the foundations of love that would last a lifetime.  For some the letters would be all that remained of their love one, over many wars, many lovers never returned.  They didn't need to stick the OMO in the front window of the house or ask someone to 'cut their grass', there was no need to consider love as being anything more than be grateful for having what you had right then. Real love transcended all physical desires, being close did not always require geographical proximity.
Today over time, changes in technology, errosion of basic values, love has become a commodity and as transparent as many of the othe material possessions that fill large, empty loveless homes.
Who today takes a plane to Verona and writes a plea to Juliet, tucking a tiny note in the wall of hope and love? Who these days waits a "thousand years" as the song would have us believe to realise we do not find love, it finds us, that you have loved have loved this soul connected to you all this time.
Love is the last frontier of immeasurable human uniqueness, we love because we can, we can because we must, we must because to live without love is to empty the soul, to live without the basic of human ingredients,  Love drives our passions, it pushes us past our pain barriers, it lifts us to places we can only imagine in dreams.
I've been single for a long while now, I've had many a person try to tell me I need to try harder to find someone, like I'm missing an extension of myself and for some reason of stupidity I need to locate it in order to be complete.  Let me tell you, I am complete.  I don't need fixing and I don't need to shop for someone like I'm grabbing a purchase at Bunnings with a bbq snack in one hand on the way in! I don't need someone to mow the lawn, I don't mind doing that myself & about the lightbulbs, ever hear of a ladder?
Maybe I realised through all the stories, through years of reading accounts of different types of love, sarcasm, pain, suffering and love which transcends all obstacles, maybe I realised love is not something you grab on the way in or out, that like Winnie once stated, what you are searching for is not on any map, you don't need a guide or someone to give to you, that place you are looking for has been right inside you all along.
Valentine loved himself enough to sacrifice his life for others, he loved another so deeply no logic or reason could explain his sacrific other than for love.  He didn't need to have his ego boosted by telling him oh what a great job you've done, he didn't need gifts, treasures and reminders; he didn't need to be smothered or resort to manipulating someone in the name of love; he loved because it was the right thing to do, he loved unconditionally, with all his heart; he did not seek anything in return, there was not goal to achieve, no needing to be fixed or 'complete', he was complete.  Valentine stood up for what he believed in, he put his heart out there on his chest, he was completely selfless, he knew that great soldiers do not lack love, they carry it as a strength. Valentine was love and his symbol of love is a reminder to us all that great love requires great sacrifice, it requires knowing ourselves, loving ourselves, loving others enough to do what is right. 
Love is not a weakness, it is not someone to mow the lawns, reach the lightbulbs, carry the shopping, buy you a car or help you obtain financial security. It is knowing you can love whether you receive it in return or not; forgiveness, selfless, wanting what is truly the best for another human being without any need to receive in return, sometimes it is walking away with love, sometimes it is making a stand, love is never giving up. It is cherishing all that is the other person, like a parent to a child; it is wanting them to be their best, not your idea of their best, what they long for, dream for, aspire towards. 
For me love epitomises motherhood; these things and more come easy to mothering.  Maybe it's those early soul connections, like a hidden bond between souls.
We have a few extra teenagers over at present and I invited them to join me for yoga before the sun was up earlier today.  A series of questions followed regarding my motivation to get up so early, how long have I been doing that, is it easy. Love is not easy.  I get up because I decided years ago to look at a picture of my son, at a happy time before he died of cancer at 3yrs and 4months of age; on the bedside first thing every morning and to know great love comes with great sacrifice.  To love life is to give your all to it, even when it is hard, you are tired.  I rarely know what the term "can't be bothered" looks like.  If you love life, then you will always be bothered. If you love another, a child, a man, a woman, your family, you will be bothered. Love is giving up some of the ego that weighs you down, your expectations, assumptions, neatly planned out future, it is accepting the here and now and loving people unconditionally in the package they came in, not the one you wished for.  It is loving what life gives you, not what you expect.  It is realising that to see another day, to be blessed with a gorgeous view each morning, the clouds bleeding the sun through mist and mountains, you are grateful for the smallest of pleasures in life, so many are not afforded, so many little ones will never see.  You will love life and everything it gives you, every lesson.
Whoever he is, wherever he is, you will love with all your heart.  You don't need to see it, touch it or have him pay your bills.  Great love has no price tag.  It does not hurt, it does not ask, it just is. If it takes you a thousand years, you will wait. You will not rush into mediocre, ordinary love, you will find the light in your soul and let it guide you.
Sometime ago I started writing something other than exploring creative sarcasm on here and self help guides for parents who fail to engage their frontal lobe, it's a work in progress (so please acknowledge copyright).  It's a perspective which denies logic or reason; it requires an intuitive being, not lost in what is right in front of them, it is a connection, a love so powerful it requires silent moments, hard decisions and sometimes loneliness.  Why anyone would want to settle for something that feels ordinary or fits the criteria is beyond me; when you could have something that moves mountains.

I leave you with part 1, following a short history on love & a wish that may you find the love dreams are made of, may you take today to love with all your heart, to remind yourself what you seek is right inside you all along; like a beacon to another soul, let your heart guide you xo

Happy love Day people xo

Part 1

There are times when I believe my soul would have bettered served its purpose in another species, one which eats its prey, or possibly one whose brain is the size of a pea, rather the seed of a pea before it sprouts, a tiny, miniscule brain, smaller than plankton, which doesn’t know let alone care what anyone thinks, does or wants. What did I do that was so bad to end up in this soul? No I couldn’t be reincarnated into some Asiatic tiger, um.... stripes, no not stripes, not my thing; polka dots maybe, what has polka dots? A cuscus, no that’s not me either; sounds like the name of something a small child would say on the back door step rattling a container “here cuscus”....see what I mean, still going there, the brain that never sleeps.

Instead I was born a girl, a middle class, middle child, middle average, except intelligence of course (well that is my spin on it) and height, I was average. How the hell I ended up with a short stature with a baby brother who turns out 6ft 4 and sisters, aunts and babies (stretching that one) even taller than I I’m yet to know, the milkman was actually a milk woman, so that rules that one out!.  You know you are short when you are jumping up and down waving your arms at those damn automatic doors at the shopping centre, a bit like the kids when we pass the speed cameras! They too are probably crying “help”.

Not that I wished for one day I was born a male, it was the whole being born in the 1960’s when women were burning their bras, wearing flowers in their hair and giving away ‘free love’; come on members of the female species what would ‘Lucy’ (Australopithecus afarensis the most complete, well preserved skeleton of any human ancestor walking upright to be found), be thinking of us....men were being put on the moon and you were burning your bras!.  Some God whoever she is must have been distracted by a social gathering, unlike that of a mother talking on the phone when the children ask is it alright to put their sibling in the dishwasher...”yes fine, Ok, just leave me to finish my conversation” when it was time to decide whether to descend my ovaries or not.  I can hear them discussing it now “I was thinking of spending the weekend over at cloud nine, dropping in on Allah, Jesus it’s never been the same between you two since they called Mohammed a prophet and he decided to go his own way, I hear there is trouble in them there woods maybe he could do with a chat”. The trusty disciple responds “what about this one, what shall it be”. 

They stop, stare and look bemused as my soul flashes back to them like a charging red blinking battery “and this other one” they point to a beaming soul waiting quietly in the wings, its light green and calm “come on you lot, these are coming in and at a rapid rate, I better take a look at what’s going on down there” (after all it is the 60’s!).  

They push me to the side and my soul spirals down a golden passage of time and on the way God shouts from the heavens “better leave those ovaries up, her balls are too big to descend”, with amusement the disciple replies “ heaven help the soul that connects to her. So what about this one? ” That’s her soul” God replies with a smile that reeks of pleasure and satisfaction of making the grandest of all discoveries “no this one” repeats her trusty disciple right hand man.   “Yes, that’s the other half, he can wait, we’ll send him later, and she’s not ready yet”.  Fear grips his face, another soul destined for a short passage “but she won’t....”, God interrupts” (being a woman she takes pride in this) “make it without him you jest, who am I? the Yes man” “she has the heart of a lion, a soul directly touched by my hand as long as he doesn’t stuff around, she’ll make it”, turning around so the others can’t see, she crosses her fingers “think I better have that chat”.

Did you know that? That each soul has another half? A bit yin and yang, like magnets they are drawn to each other, unlike Hancock they do not suck the life out of each other and their super powers the closer they are.  They share a light, a tiny beacon, the essence of hope, somewhere, out there we matter to someone.  Hollywood has thrived on its comparisons, yet none can define either in words or with rationale thinking what love is. Now don’t go analysing this all on me, I’m just passing on the tale, what happens if one dies? I don’t know this is my story; you write that one out and tell me how it ends. 

If there is light in the soul,

There will be beauty in the person.

If there is beauty in the person,

There will be harmony in the house.

If there is harmony in the house,

There will be order in the nation.

If there is order in the nation,

There will be peace in the World.

(Old Chinese proverb)