Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Free love....where? really...???

Relationships are one of the greatest investments of our time (energy, patience, finances and physical capacity) that we will ever make in our lifetime. Relationships require everything and more from us.
If relationships were a bank account and you kept depositing your life savings, everything you had, everytime you went to the bank the teller was rude and abnoxious, then only to find out that on the occasions you went spend a little of those savings, it was empty and in the red, you would close the account, write to the Financial Ombudsman and start hiding your funds under the bed! Why invest so much into something that only takes and allows you to become emotionally bankrupt?
Free love, the term coined in the 60's of the ability to be liberal and generous with our emotional bank account, many children (generations!) appeared from 'free love' yet is it ever really free. What happened to authentic, true, honest, unconditional love. The media plays on the divorce rate and sensationalises the figures, yet who talks about the relationships where people are literally sucking the love out of each other? This affects us all! It's like a chink in the chain.
Attachment has never been more complicated than it is today, with its rules, regulations, contracts and obligations and that is just marriage! Billions, even trillions of unhealthy imprinted children now adults, imprinting on their own children and attempting to condition their spouses to fit a mould which needs re shaping! If only they had read Erickson's theories on psychosocial development and realise they are way off course, love is so much more. A healthy strong relationship says as much about you as it does about you as part of a couple.
If you were to sit down with a timer, a pen, a notepad and as you press go I want you to write every single thing you would like in a relationship, in a committed, intimate, amazing, fulfilling relationship with another human being.  Do you really want to be with a man? or a woman? Who would they be, what do they do, what is it you really want from a relationship?
Go ahead give it a go, I dare you.  If you were authentic (remembering true change, growth and sense of self comes from change) you would turn the key on that mind you lock into constraints, into rules and routines, into shoulds and coulds, let it go, imagine for just a minute, imagine your ultimate relationship.

Now.....are you done with that? I want you to give up another 60 seconds, just a minute of your time.  Grab a timer, use your phone! Sit down, piece of paper and when you press start write everything you have to offer in a relationship, what do you give, will do, to create this amazing fullfilling, hot, passionate and til death do you part relationship! What do you bring to a relationship.  So you do the dishes and fold the washing, no come on.....what do you give to the person you love?

There is no stopping when you do this, let the mind wander, be creative, stop trying to over think, over analyse, control everything, just write!!! Tap into those unconscious thoughts and let them out.

I'm not sure if you are in the relationship you long for, uconsciously or consciously, yet wherever you are right now, you brought yourself to it and you are where you are as an active contributor.  Now that is a hard call I know, there are complex relationships and nothing is ever that simple.  Yet if we know we cannot change someone else, we can only change ourselves, what choices are you making to bring you to your hearts longing? Are you a passenger in your life or in the driving seat!

People stay in unhealthy relationships, unloving; relationships which lack all the things they desire from a connection with another human being like some scene from this is as good as it gets!

What you tolerate, you accept; what you accept, you believe you deserve (whether consciously or unconsciously).

You deserve love, unconditional love. Love which lifts you up, celebrates all the amazing qualities you bring to a relationship.  Love that doesn't tie a rope to your ankle and weigh you down.  Love that is actions not words, you are the best you can be in this relationship and then some! You are radiating, gorgeous, a power to be reckoned with, this relationship is like an energy source and every morning you spring into life stronger, more capable and more alive.

You are the best you can be.......

You are content, happy, joyful, satisfied, you love your body, you enjoy your life, you feel joy and confidence in each step.

You look around your home, it is alive with your presence, this is where you want to be right here right now!

This is not to say relationships don't come with their ups and downs; anyone who has had children, financial pressure, health and disease inflicted on their relationship will know each of these issues on their own can weaken a relationship to the point of it breaking, let along altogether. 

You will hear alot of fake and over sensationalised information telling you what type of relationship you need, should have, yet not until you open your own heart, until you jump in with both feet, will you fail to find the answers.  You are not the person next door, the woman at work or the old friend.  Your relationship is about you and the person you love.  It is much better for you and everyone around you to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else. Be yourself, be authentic!

Honesty, the key ingredient to a healthy relationship, honesty and trust! Have you got the key?

Be honest with yourself, honest with your partner, trust yourself, trust your partner.

What is holding you back, what are you holding back from the person you love.  What choices do you make which prevent them from having the love they so rightfully deserve? Are they the best they can be?

I was chatting with a friend the other day about this very topic, about women who stay in relationships where they live half a life (not just those in violent situations that is a whole different conversation and complex situation this general chat does not include to some point), it is reflected in their body, their skin, their fulfillment, in their conversations, the choices they make in whether they radiate happiness or as good as it gets. Women who have lost the passion for their partners, women who no longer want to be touched by them, let alone any intimacy, women who have given up on themselves as if life stops the moment you enter a relationship! By doing this, you also withhold from the other half of that relationship. You starve yourself, your partner and your relationship.

Ask yourself do you dress they way you like, listen to the music you like, is your routine reflected by your authentic self, do you look forward to your partner, miss them, crave for them. Can you look around your home and is it reflective of the both of you, what does it say? Parenting....oh wow that is a whole other blog! What does your parenting say about you both? Do you parent together, co construct and lead your family as equal guardians or are you at bitter ends over a power struggle? How is this affecting your children! We reap what we sow, children are conditioned into relationships by watching, observing and role modelling.  What will be your legacy?

Yep Black Eyed Peas "where is the love, the love, the love....."

You are a human being, you are a gift of amazing treasures, your learning never ceases, life does not cease until the last breathe you take.

Life may have taken you on a detour, you were tired and needed to pull to the side of the road for a while.  Time to start that engine and get going. You can choose to grow or stagnate. You deserve a relationship alive with love, your partner deserves it and so do your children.

Last year the world was taken by storm by the Fifty Shades Of Grey series; it was one of those conversations like to smack or not to smack which brought out the radicals and the self righteous!
What it demonstrated is the unspoken desire people are craving in relationships.  All these unspoken words, untapped feelings, conversations not being had with their emotional and psychological bank! 

Bettina Ardnt (Psychologist) in her 'Sex Diaries' book highlighted this with real couples of different ages and stages of a relationship all demomtrating again how much is not said in a relationship, how much is withheld, used as currency, human beings suffering through lack of love, affection, intimacy with the most important perosn in their life.  I was absolutely horrified to read of men who stayed in loveless relationships and felt powerless to do anything! Let alone the women who didn't know how to talk with their partners. What would the evolutionary theorists say about that one!

You can choose unconditional love, celebrate everything about yourself, be the best you can be because you deserve it and so does the person who loves you. You can choose confidence, you can choosse to be the best version of yourself or a second rate. Ask yourself are you confident to stand naked in front of the mirror and embrace who you are, each inch, each scar, each lesson along the way.  Are you then prepared to walk naked in front of your partner, are you honest with yourself, do you trust the person you love?

A relationship, your love, is the greatest most amazing investment you will ever make in your lifetime.  It deserves your full conscious attention to yourself and your partner. You deserve to be the best you can be, to experience the full range of emotions human beings come with, to experience the full package.

Get up passionate, incredible women and get going, be the person you so want to be, need to be, long to be. Stop waiting! Put a spring in your step, laughter in your voice, food in the soul, be all that you can be and share it freely, the true meaning of free love.

Go on...get going xo

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