Friday, November 2, 2012

Fields of Gold

Being haunted by the mesmorising voice of Eva Cassidy this morning, I had forgotten how some songs take you to places you had long placed in the box & locked away "many years have passed, since those summer days". Music has this way of igniting the soul to push harder than you thought possible, to motivate, inspire, take our hearts with both hands & squeeze it gently one beat after the other until we are remindered how to breathe on our own again. 
If you let the small moments, the synchronicity of timely reminders to enter your mind, you too can teach yourself to absorb each lesson, whether it be a timely song, a rainbow on a cloudy day, the right person at the right time, the name on a number plate just at the same moment you think of someone who hasn't crossed your mind in too long; without trying to over analyse why this has happened & why now, just that it has & allow your soul to drift with its flow & embrace its meaning.

The Dr kruszelnicki's of our world would have you deconstruct the reality & assure you such powers of persuasion, the mind's ability to manifest it's own reality, to think about something often enough you can make it happen, is just not possible. How then do we explain the series of events in The Secret of Luck? . How do you take a lie about a lucky dog & make it lucky? Not for one person, not for a small group, a town?
There is something powerful & should anyone ever truly harness the answers I believe will be our greatest loss, some things are best being a mystery.  Yet it is the struggle of humanity to seek control over themselves, over others, over the events which change our lives & so in turn force the direction of their lives into a well designed construction, already mapped, planned & organised & then spend the hard earned dollars they so desperately crave to feed the craving of this thirsty void, in therapy & on substances to ease the confusion of why they are not where they wanted to be or when they arrived, not what they thought it would be like & at a loss to why they are unhappy.

"OMGosh, what is this feeling I'm experiencing" "oh wait, I'll just pour another glass, eat another piece, yell a little louder....aaahhh now it's gone, what a useless feeling that is".

Is there a force greater than all forces known to man? A force many a theorists have tried to define & fail in their attempts to document human thought or are Skinner, Maslow, Freud, Gestalt are they all on the right path? How much power does the human mind control?

I see its wonders & its devestations, the minds which use positive motivation to push past pain barriers, beyond the finish line & without the need to sell their soul to obtain it (or their reputation & sponsorship deals).  Then are those who feed the negativity, focus too long on the physical reality & more quick to reject any alternate idea, thought or experience, the "my way is the only way" people of the world. We may be one species, yet we are separated by those who are embracing life, strength & possibilities & those who accept, tolerate & need a rational explanation behind every decision in order to move forward (Yet we all know where those people are right now, don't we!)
What is bizarre as I'm throwing up my thoughts this morning in one not so well digested form, is I lay in bed last night contemplating a moment in time, an Eva Cassidy moment and then this morning (when I should be already on my bike!) I decide to go via the office on the way to putting my shoes on & find myself listening to Eva, not being my intention that morning, sparked by reading a friend's blog; was it another gentle reminder to 'go there', to unleash the senses & stop for a moment, that a 80km bike ride & a 90 mins of yoga is not going to make it all better.
Do we intentionally or unintentionally bring experiences into our lives, is it possible?

In Lynne McTaggart's book 'The Intention Experiment' scientists & non-scientists around the world, believers & non-believers have applauded her work on whether science can define the likes of experiments such as those of Derek Brown. .
Other's not so well versed & guided by there own experiences such as 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byre again attempt to express in words that you too do have everything you need to have a successful, fulfilling & amazing life, it has been right there inside you all along.

Now for those of you out there focussing on dollar values, real estate, luxury etc, if you have a road block, you need to ask yourself did you read the map right? Did you listen to your inner voices, is your body in the best shape it can be for a journey you are expecting to take a lifetime (to discover & enjoy), are you truly giving it all you've got? Can you celebrate in the joy of other's success or do you mope around, bring them down & think that everyone has it easier than you? Do you give up when the going gets tough? Have you made sacrifices in the best interest of others? of yourself? Ask yourself HOW BAD DO YOU WANT WHAT YOU WANT! What the hell is your voice saying? Are you listening? Are you intune? or are you too busy changing the dial.  Connect people! Connect with yourself.  Before you go trying to change someone else, take a good long hard look at yourself! What could you learn from others? Is your mind open or closed?

So you have something in mind, then ask yourself...why do you want it? Intention, motivation, what is it & why are you driven to find yourself in things, in money, in nothing you can take with you when this life is over.  Is your soul aching, your body giving in, do you bask in the sunlight, feel the warmth on your skin & feel every breathe of alive or are you wallowing in self pity & stuck in what didn't go right instead of realising at sometime in trying to shove yourself & life into the right direction, you ended up in the backseat!

You have life! You have this amazing body, full of so many gems, treats, unbelievable talents you haven't begun to even explore as yet.  Glimpses appear, little reminders to show you the way, yet so many of you are so busy in the business of life; of course you will be lost if you fail to read the sign posts!

Sometimes like Joe we need to sit in the quiet of our mind, find a solace to strip away all the shit people, all the crap & baggage weighing you down, to hear your own heart beating, plus I'm a yogi addict so if you don't have yoga in your life & you still have the capacity to move & breathe, get out there & start today! it's life changing....ooops sorry side tracked.

Now some may call this 'God' or your God with varying names and references, some may call it divine intervention, 'the one', a connection with the 'universe'.  Whatever it is, we do not have all the answers and nor do we need them. Some who take the statistical manuals to define mental health would have another explanation; if you are too low, you have a diagnosis, if you are too high you have a diagnosis, if you do not fit the round hole, you have a diagnosis.  Now sometimes labels can be of benefit, they at least get you access to the support you need, just don't forget you are not the label, you are you.  You decide where you are going.

So back to divine universal intervention & Eva Cassidy!. Those of you who know me, know I've been on this mind cleansing life changing journey for a while now & let me tell you it can be a battle of wills to free your mind & listen to your inner self/voice when you have trained yourself to 'suck it up' get on with it & there are only two speeds in life, go & stop!

Now I've gotta get to my point here, time is ticking & it takes at least an hours ride to the beach & I'm cutting into energy & speed typing away here.

There is a gift here, our greatest gift, many struggle with until their last breathe.  Life is not a struggle, it doesn't need to be, you don't need to resist or fight.  Nor do you need to tolerate or accept it, it just is what it is. Your heart is a guiding force, let it open to all that it wants to absorb, feel, touch, welcome.  YOur soul is its guardian, to keep reminding you when you stray from the path, you will know. 

I made a decision a while ago to listen intently & completely to my heart, to nurture my soul, it was tired, it ached, it had served me well & brought me this far.  Like tired feet after a long journey it needed a rest; a rest from anger, hate, suffering & wanting & these are all the things I did, not what was around me, the things I manifest through my intentions, my choices, my unwilling relentless pursuit of everything outside of me, instead of realising what I needed was here all along. I wanted to see "my true colours" shine through, how would I ever know what I was capable of, what felt good, amazing, supernatural unless I opened my mind, my heart & my life to allowing it to enter?

I can tell you honestly it has been one hell of a ride, scary, bumpy & facing some fears, one by one has been the hardest part.  I decided to deconstruct every obstacle, not by force, by nurturing it, to challenge, yet embrace whatever it was (is any of this making sense?).

For those who need a step by step instruction, what did this mean? Well when life when bang & flipped upside down I had to change & change fast.  I took away all the fake & plastic things which didn't help me to move forward, crap food, crap experiences, unhealthy lifestyle, unhealthy thinking & then made a list 'the bucket list' of all the things I would love to experience, not want, just experience in life.  I let my mind take over & imagine food, places & above all people & a sounding voice kept repeating itself & this was my life changing moment.  I made a space I was comfortable with, set some new personal goals, told people who mattered, they mattered, surrounded myself with people who lift me up & take me forward & I made a decision to feel grateful for every single experience, the good, the bad & the ugly for bringing me to this point.

I decided that love was not about possession or taking, it was not forcing yourself onto someone or something.  It had nothing to do with getting what you want & everything to do with living with contentment, peace & knowing your heart could stay open as long as you allowed it to.  It didn't have a time limit, it didn't need a tommorrow, it wan't broken & didn't need fixing.  Everything I had was right there all along.  Everyone I loved was right there all along & I had plenty of room for more & so much it was too much for one person to contain.

So in facing one of my fears I took up kayaking; the tide was up, the dark & gloomy skies didn't help, probably not the best day to try & focus on anything except shark infested deep water! I only had to push out from the shoreline a short way before my heart raced, so strong was the pound I could feel my phone in its zip lock back strapped in the vest moving! Then it took over my body, my hands, my feet, the fear of going where I hadn't gone before, the fear of being my best, the fear of facing a completely unreal construction of something I hadn't even tried before, the fear kicked in! I had an instructor with me & thank goodness they gave me a wide birth! I could have taken a head off with that oar! Then I could feel the pull of the tide, I was absolutely fine going against it (wow I love that metaphor everytime I think of it, me too an absolute capital, always swimming agains the tide & most comfortable) & wow this isn't so bad I thought, then we decided to turn, I had contemplated crossing the channel & going up river, weaving between boats moared nearby.  Then it happened; the tide caught me & I began to drift without control, OMFG I was not in control!!!!!!!!

The shakes took over & I could feel my face, it was hot & I looked for the nearest escape root, something to grab hold of! Oh the water was so dark I couldn't see the oar once it went in.  My instructor gave me a tip, reminded me of what I am made of, who I am, what drives me, to fight the tide, in the sense to let it take me, decide, consciously decide to go with the flow, put the friggin oar in damn it & steer yourself!!!!! Open your mind, stop focussing on the fear, stop listening to your heart pounding, go with it, damn it...go with it!

How the wise one shifts the wind & adjusts the sails when we are at risk of losing our perspective, caught up driving rather than enjoying the journey, I have no explanation.  If you are needing me to explain why 3 nights in a row at exactly 3 am the remote control tank of my son's fired at exactly that time just 3months after our 3yr old son died of cancer, the tank he always wanted to play with & his belonged to his brother, I can't explain it, I don't even want to try.

There are moments we need a piece of 4x2 to a timely region to wake us & jolt our heart into the start position again, like a scream from the top of the highest mountain, "WAKE THE HELL UP YOU ARE SLEEPING!!!!!!" & then there are other times it takes something more subtle, a gentle melancholic reminder we have strayed off the path & if we listen, if we tune in to the sounds around us, you can hear the voice inside telling you which way to go.

All those decisions I made, I grew tired & frustrated & slowly I drifted back into the safety of the shore & rested my oar, I stopped going with the flow, my heart quietened, drowned out by voices of advice & well meaning assurance.  Yet it never passed, it lingered day in & day out & I quietened it like 'Joe' with something more.

Thank you Eva Cassidy & thank you Jac, what a timely reminder, mmm Songbird, True Colours & yes "time after time"

I know where I am going, what my heart aches for, who I am & what I am made you?
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