In every aspect of our search for who we are, why we are, what are we, are the trillion hypotheses about the purpose & its meaning. Some never contemplate the bigger picture, it never crosses their busy or ignorant or well educate concrete thinking minds, yet I tend to believe we all contemplate it, some just put on a braver, more stubborn face than others. For those who've experienced loss, the question of what this is all for, is more than a passing thought & really who hasn't experienced loss, tell me that?
I'm not sure what is going on with the universe at present as if by random chance the weather brings in more than just the odd storm here & there. Maybe it is not the universe, maybe this feeling of not being alone is not because we are shifting in patterns the same as others, more that these patterns are part of being human? We are not alone in what we are going through because we took the time to look at what else is going on & discovered these crap moments, these joyous, exciting & horrible moments, they are happening everyday everywhere we look, if we just open our eyes.
Lately it seems struggle & suffering is abundant in many of the people I know. I can also see, sitting on the sidelines, hope & survival, strength & compassion in the very same locations & people. So many feeling isolated & alone, losing hope & close to giving up. I wonder of the intense pain inside the person that ends the only thing we have power over, our life. What it is that a person seeks, has lost, is disappointed by in life that would drive them to that decision. As many us who have seen the other side of the storm know too well "this too shall pass", tomorrow is another day.
We've been in those moments, frustrated & so overwhelmed that life scares the hell out of you & yet I can't possibly imagine the thoughts of a person who chooses to give up on us all, to give up on themselves, I only know the incredible sadness that comes from their choice. Right on the verge of stepping off that ledge is another idea, a different perspective, a choice you haven't made (there are so many many more), there is another day & another way. It is an over whelming sadness for all human beings when one of us chooses to give up on life. That we have become so caught up in what we have not, that we lose focus on what we have right now. What happened yesterday is gone, there is no changing it now. What is happening tomorrow hasn't occurred, there is always the potential it can go another way, there are no certainties, never. That someone among us could feel so isolated & alone to convince themselves no one is there for them, no one could help them through this is the greatest sadness of all. How as a species have we become so disconnected from each other, so busy in all that we do, so ignorant & apathetic that we have stored each other into little neat boxes for later. We have become so busy, so caught up in our pursuit of goals, that we have so little time for the journey for every single person we meet along the way.
We are who we are because of the people we meet. They may have been your enemies, your friends, family or lovers; they may have caused you enormous pain, suffering, heart ache or joy. You are who you are today, right at this moment from every single experience you have encountered, they have each contributed to shaping your thoughts, your behaviour & you through your choices have these experiences to either guide you or to wedge you somewhere you don't want to be.
Whatever you find is your purpose in life, the answer is not in a pursuit of happiness or things. Purpose is not in results, in material objects, in controlling everything around you, in hiding or escaping reality through drugs, alcohol or lies; nor in the ideal job, wife, husband, children. If you want purpose & haven't found it as yet, then stop looking, it was there all along. These things are your purpose, these moments each & every single one, the mistakes & the successes. It's neither complex or easy, it just is what it is. You don't need schools to learn, yet learning is found in schools; you don't need to love to know loss, being alone will teach you that just as well. There is suffering in every single example of a human being, to think of yourself as the only person who can understand your suffering is insular & ignorant, every single one of us knows suffering, you are no more important or less than important than whoever you sit next to on the bus. You are you & they are them & as we go through life attempting to find meaning & make sense from the crap, the mundane, the routine, the extra ordinary, we have a gift that no other species on the planet has, to take meaning from life, from these experiences; each of them, all of them or none of them.
To think of yourself as the same as another is a waste of thought, we are no more the same in all aspects of who we are than two plants, two pieces of dust, two animals. We are both ordinary & extraordinary, we can make the most of what we have or take it for granted. The more we give to life, the more we receive from life. You can't smell flowers from sitting in your arm chair, you need to get out there, grow a few, plant a few seeds, trial & error & experience it.
Francis Xavier was credited as stating "Give me the child until he is 7 and I'll give you the man", there have been more developmental theorists, psychologists, researchers & professionals along the way who either directly or indirectly claim behaviour as the strongest indicator of who we will become. There are some who believe you can take any child at birth & change their trajectory by merely providing the ideal circumstances & environment. Yet what is that? The US Government once thought after the war & bombing of entire community resulting in hundreds of orphans they could provide the neatest, cleanest hospitals & children would be better off, the children would thrive. Half of the children remained in the community, fostered out to extended family & kin. What we know now is that as human beings we need more than stuff, more than the brightest, cleanest environments, we need to be hugged, to be loved, to connect, to be held & to feel like we matter. Our purpose is in the meaning we experience every single day through each experience with each other. As we grow, we experience, we learn & we grow, experience & learn, it never stops.
I cannot think of a more repulsive word (or maybe a few) than assimilate. What the hell? Why should any culture be so arrogant & self righteous they believe another culture should surrender their values, beliefs, history, traditions & become as they think they should become. Is it beyond their small mediocre minds to fathom learning from each other, discovering & appreciating uniqueness & to put aside the belief we are intrinsically all the same? It is impossible, we cannot ever be the same. Our experiences will shape that. If you've ever had children you will know no two siblings are completely the same, please don't make the mistake of treating them like they are. Cultures are no different. We each come with our flaws, our mistakes to learn from & our gifts.
"We don't always get what we want",yes Mick it is a wonderful stroke of luck. The greatest lessons is the change in wind, change in our sails & sending us off in different directions. We can learn if we chose or we can curl up in a ball & watch it all go by. The lessons will be painful, frustrating & at times will bring us to our knees. There will be those of us who seek answers & results; be weighed down by the discovery there is no answer. At times the outcomes will never be that which we seek. It's like putting in your order for something at the drive-thru as you are too busy to find time to get out of your car & walk in. You drive off in a hurry & miles down the road you realise it isn't what you wanted, you can either complain about what you received, spend the very time you didn't have (or so you believed) in the first place to drive back or consider it a wonderful stroke of luck that you have something to try you've never considered before & embrace every thing, taste it & get on with the day. You could also slow down & stop rushing through life as if you are heading towards the finish line as quickly as possible. You could have checked your order before you rushed off, you could have noticed how busy the business was as you hurried through. You could have taken in way more information than just what was relevant to you. We all matter, it all matters, the little stuff & the big stuff. How you react, how you interpret each experience will all be a result of how much you are willing to take in.
I've been doing analysis of behaviour & observing people for some time. I started out with children, widened my scope & now observing behaviour is more a passion & interest than feels like work. I notice things & often don't realise how much or how little until I start making notes later. Yet despite having a large capacity to take in a lot of information visually, verbally & cognitively, it's still only one view, my perspective based on my experience, skill & knowledge. Sitting down & discussing/reflecting on observations in a team demonstrates how much you observe differently to others & there are so many professionals (including the medical & psychological) who get this wrong when they assume their view is the only lens we need to use. It has always amazed me how when diagnosing children a parent's perspective/opinion is the underlying evidence for diagnosis. Yet it's only one view, it might be a reliable one, yet it might be the contributing factor! When you open your eyes to different ways of knowing, to looking at people with a different lens you see so much more than you ever thought was there. You see different people, you see a different you.
We come into the world wanting to know everything, believing we do, discovering we don't & hopefully accepting we don't need to know it all. As children we struggle to grow up, as adults we struggle to stay young. Life is all in the struggle, these are the meanings we have, learning you are not in control, discovering resistance is not only exhausting it is futile; death is upon every single one of us, there is no way out & we all headed to the same outcome.
In the movie 'About Time' a young man is handed a secret on turning 18 that he can go back in time & re order events to achieve his own outcome. Yet as he discovers it isn't all its cracked up to be. If you go back before a baby is born/conceived, you alter whether it occurs at all; some times you have to make a choice between having what you want & doing what is best for someone else, you can't save everyone. As his Dad cursed with the same gift discovers he can't go back & never take up smoking, therefore never dying of cancer as that would be before he conceived his son & that is an event he would never want to erase.
In Mitch Albom's 'The Time Keeper' a young adolescent girls wants to give up on time & a old terminally ill wealthy man wants to find a way to live forever. Father Time is sentenced to teaching them both about time in order to fully understand its meaning & his own purpose in time.
"The Struggle of winning & losing
Is the struggle of poniard & blow;
But the struggle of heart & the struggle of mind
Is the struggle to learn to let go".
From 'Learning to Let go' in 5 Stages of the Soul - quote from Lucy Dulles, a high school student.
We each have 24 hours, leaders, writers, artists, scientists, friends, family, lovers, criminals, waste of timers, all of us exactly the same time & what we do with it is our responsibility. Whether we step up or step down, we let go or hold on. The only thing we have control over despite millions of Ted talks on taking life by the balls & getting what you want, is our choice to do what we want. Life has this way of taking us on a journey we need, to the wrong places at the right times. You can keep trying to swim up stream & wear yourself out or you can sit on the banks, glass of wine in your hand & laugh with a few friends watching the others struggle & struggle & struggle. No matter which choice you make, these events, the struggle & the friends, they are your life. Whatever matters will be what you bring into the world & what you take out. Your life.
There is a legend among Native Americans which describes every person on the planet has the secrets of life and death written across their forehead. Obviously you can't see it because it's on your forehead. In the 5 Stages of the Soul, it tells the story of a Christian Monk who believes everything we need to know is stored in our heart, the heart is the question & the answer.
There is the story of the young princess who terrified of snakes asks her father to find somewhere on the planet with no snakes. He finds a tiny island & builds a small house & she lives there lonely & without experience, without fear. Each week the staff bring to her food & necessities & on one occasion a snake has made its way into one of the baskets & as she opens it is killed by a poisonous bite. Fatalistic? or the universe has a way of bringing us that which we need to learn, no matter how hard we try to escape it, we find it, it finds us, time & time again.
Publishers, writers, movie makers write stories time & time again of love lost over decades only to find it again after trying to walk away from what was destined to be all along. It is what it is. You have the steering wheel, you can change direction at any time. You only need to face your fears, stop being concerned about the perspective of others (remember they have no idea what is in your head or heart & only see it from their own perspective). If you don't give something a go, time will not wait for you. Lives are lost every single day. If you don't hold on another day, time will not wait for you either. If something is not going the way it should be, then walk away, shelf it for a while, go outside, take a walk, let the phone go flat, don't talk to the person who pushes your buttons. If someone doesn't call, then busy yourself & let them go & make their own mistakes. Get on with life.
This is your life, stop waiting for it to begin, stop complaining it hasn't. Every day is a gift, every breathe, every friend, every experience, hug, kiss, tear. It might not go the way you expected, then maybe your expectations were wrong in the first place. Drop the expectations. Get up each day with gratitude for whatever you experience.
The other day I decided to take all the washing into the laundromat & save on tank water. There was an older woman folding & commented on my daughter keen to help. We ended up chatting for a good hour (to the frustration of my daughter who had exceeded her helping quota for the day!) & we discovered each of us had loved & lost someone to exactly the same tumour, in the same location in the brain, with the same symptoms & aired off frustrations we had experienced about the treatment & grief & issues that only someone who had gone through the same experience may understand. As I was leaving she approached & gave me the largest heartfelt hug & thanked me for taking the time to talk & listen & share. Yet here I was thinking wow I needed that, those little reminders to get keep my head out of the sand & eyes on the path ahead & despite feeling broken at times & lost, I just met the most resilient & beautiful person (the woman herself had also had breast cancer & cervical cancer & had lost two husbands). She shared her story of losing the love of her life once & then finding someone else only to experience it again & that in the end only one thing is real. Not the things, not the money, not the houses or cars or the fake friends, love, just love.
So as you struggle through your day today & you make a choice to either suffer it or embrace it, whether you meet someone amazing, whether you find time to talk to the check out operator, smile at the service station attendant. As you go through life compromising on what matters, know that no one is going to give you meaning, your purpose, your choices are the meaning, the purpose is what you decide to take from it. If you chose anger & resentment, so it will be yours to keep. If you chose to love with all your heart, to be compassionate, to see the good in people, to know & appreciate everyone has suffering, to every behaviour there is a story to be told, nothing is as simple or as complex as only you perceive it. Let go of the arrogance & ignorance. Open your eyes & start looking for the amazing in people. Start seeing the talents in your children. Stop settling for second best, go for what your heart tells you matters to you. Cut away from the people that drain & exhaust you, who bring you down & keep you there. Surround yourself with people who get you, who push you forward & up, find someone who makes you heart sing & gets you up every single day.
In 'About Time', what was a gift becomes ordinary. As his father leaves his final advice, he tells him to live everyday as it is, with all the angst, frustration, trials & errors. Then to go back & live every day again, this time with different eyes, without the angst, frustration, trials. To live everyday with the view it could be the last.
I've been to enough funerals in my lifetime to last the rest of my own & every single one I hear people saying how they need to do things different, they talk about their regrets, they reminisce about the loves they've lost, the things they didn't say, the "what if.....'s". They seem to get back into their routines & get lost again & give up on themselves way before they give up on other people.
If you never ever go, you'll never ever know & can you live with that? Can you live with never knowing what could have been? Now, right now is the right time. Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Life is too short to live with regrets, to live with the fear of trying to imagine what someone else will say or feel. You are not a chameleon so stop trying to change so people will like you. Be who you are & like every bit of you & those who are destined to be there will be. Love every bit, the hard bits, the soft bits, the tears & the joys. These are all your own, every experience. Touch a few hearts, let them touch yours, live a little, love a lot & get up & try again. Struggle & struggle with the knowledge that something is on the other side, something better, something worthwhile is around the corner. Have faith, believe in yourself & surround yourself with people who get you there & keep you going.
Whatever you do, no matter how hard it gets, don't give up. It's at that moment, when things are about to change xoxoxo
Showing posts with label resilience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resilience. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The hardest lesson to learn in life - you can only change yourself
A few small hiccups this week & long lengthy discussions in the car, frustrating and frustrated children who are learning one of the hardest realities we have to face (and many never get there) that we cannot change someones behaviour, we can only change ourselves.
If you stop & think about it long enough, it's rather rude, ignorant and even borders on arrogance; to think we can know everything we can about a person. Of course we do get to know each other well in close relationships, yet no one will ever fully understand the mind of another. Stop and think about you for a while (I tried this exercise with my children), what you think to yourself as someone is berating you or what you think in those quiet moments, those thoughts you never share, why you do what you do (what makes sense/what doesn't make sense), what you keep to yourself, what you hold back. I could go on with a multitude of hidden agendas and motivations behind your behaviour. We react to someones behaviour based on our own values & ideas. No one said we have all the answers or our beliefs are the be all of everything. We are all learning here & learning to understand someone else is the first step to doing something different yourself. If you are not getting the reaction you expected, then change what you are doing. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different response.
Most people rarely understand their own behaviour & yet tend to be more focused on someone else as it is much easier to observe another persons behaviour than our own. The reality is whatever is occurring in a relationship the interaction has two behaviours interacting. One is not to know what triggers or pushes the others buttons. How ridiculous does it sound when you are driving down the street & a person makes a silly error on the road & you exclaim "what on earth were they thinking". How could you know that, as much as they could know what you are thinking right then at that moment.
I use to travel with a person in the car (usually driving) who was easily irritated by other people on the road. I would throw in a "well maybe his wife is dying & he is rushing to the hospital" or "maybe she just had bad news & isn't concentrating", "maybe they have bills up their eyeballs & need the job that they are rushing to the interview for"........how we respond to someone elses behaviour says more about us than it does about them. Too often we impose our values & ideas onto others with expectations that if you were in their shoes you would do things differently. Maybe you have a friend who is over reacting, a partner who is behaving in a way that you don't understand; at the end of the day we are not them, yet how we respond to their behaviour is about us & will alter or not their behaviour. If you want something different, you need to do something different. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
There is that interesting story some years ago about the woman in a lift somewhere in Vegas & an African American man enters with a group of friends & says "hit the floor" and the woman. Before the brain has actually even registered what the words mean, the woman is spread eagle on the floor & the lift bursts into laughter. Later that day the woman is checking out & apparently as the story goes her bill has been paid with a note "thank you for the best laugh ever" signed Lionel Richie.
Assumptions are at the core of over reactions, fear is at the core of jumping to conclusions. If we stay in the present, if we look at what is happening right here, right now, what triggered the behaviour, we have the power to change our response. One of the most common discussions in relationship counselling and parenting intervention is the victim of the relationship stating something must be done and done as soon as possible as their relationship or home is out of control. Dealing with victims stuck in the 'everything is happening to me' is rather challenging for any therapist and even more so when the behaviour they are the victim of is violence or threatening to their safety. There are no doubts there are victims of violence & victims of situations which no one would want in their lifetime; yet to stay a victim is a choice.
The thing about change is this - there are always choices. You make them every single moment of every day. You may think you are not a willing participant & many things will influence your decisions, even the unconscious ones; fear of hurt, fear of pain, fear of loss, terror, fear of abandonment, of being alone, of suffering. For many families I've worked with, many parents over the years, too many are caught up in the fear associated with what people will think, about being more concerned with acceptance by their family, friends, peers than they are about actually changing the crap life they are stuck in.
You have to let go of the past in order to move into the future. You need to let go of who you think you are supposed to be in order to move towards who are are destined to be. Let go of the expectations & the assumptions, stay in the present, do what works/matters to you, what someone else is doing is irrelevant. Put it this way, if they stuff up & you follow that path, you end up with the same result.
Many victims of domestic violence know all these real fears too well. Many parents of violent children also know these feelings, coupled with the love you feel for the perpetrator of the violence at the same time; this makes decision making something too hard to tackle on your own. Get advice, reach out for support & keep knocking on doors until the right ones open.
If you are stuck & you have a problem situation that seems to be going nowhere fast & you feel like you are stuck on a revolving treadmill, mopping up spillages, picking up the pieces & sticking tape on a broken & fragile relationship; then take stock of the choices you are making & those you are choosing not to make. Get a clear picture of what is going on, what your role is in the situation, even if you are scared out of your brain - this is not a judgement, it is taking stock of the facts, what is actually happening & the roles people play. We cannot change a situation unless we know what is occurring. This is your first step to taking back the steering wheel of your life.
I've seen people continue to stand behind lies that are just too ugly to face & continue to claim they want change & do something different. Yet sometimes until we get to the ugly truth about what is going on, we take off the band-aid & clean out that wound, nothing is going to heal until we let the light in. Nothing will change, we will be destined to repeat the same behaviour over & over again.
Some years ago I read an article on diets & weight loss. There are so many diets out there & people telling you what you can & can't eat, forget the fact that we all have different sizes, metabolisms, cultures & health issues; if you are to believe the magazines & hype, you too can have the perfect body if you just follow this diet plan. In reality, people eat for a multitude of reasons. I know tiny people who eat well & large people who eat little, yet both just different types of foods, different types of activites/lifestyles/choices. People who over eat have formed a multitude of behavioural habits over long periods of time. Many people who over eat do so out of emotional needs; comfort eating. Some over eat & the wrong foods due to poor education, convenience, budget requirements. Eve tried eating organic healthy food while travelling? Much cheaper to get a $2 cheeseburger than a a bowl of organic tofu & salad at $12. There are foods and substances (alcohol/drugs) which meet our immediate needs when the crap hits the fan & stuffing a packet of chips or chocolate biscuits in there eases the pain long enough to catch your breathe. Yet unless you get to the bottom of what is happening before you start stuffing your face or wasting yourself, you will never find a diet that can maintain a good healthy weight for the rest of your life. You will still have that underlying habit, that every time life gets a bit stressful, you reach for the one thing you know that brings you comfort. Take the traveling example - to understand how to change the over eating on the road, you need to look at what is happening. The most obvious solution is to plan ahead, pack your food, stop in a nice park/stretch your legs, don't stop at takeaway or drive thru. Take more time to drive, enjoy it, make it more about the trip & less about the junk food on the way. School lunches are no different. Food in the house is no different. If you can't control your binge eating, then don't buy it in the first place. Don't give up movie nights or doing things which involve food, do some research, choose different recipes.
In the last few months my daughter has progressed from vegetarian to vegan. I have been learning more about her needs every day & I am pleasantly surprised at her enthusiasm in the kitchen, the yummy meals she has been serving up & where there is a will there is a way. What was once a saturated fat dripping nachos, we now have beans (my daughter) or my youngest & I have lean mince with beans, goat cheese, gluten free/organic chips (my daughter also makes her own sweat potato chips, they are delicious). We have over halved the fat & unnecessary health destroying crap in the original meal by altering a few ingredients & I go back for seconds it is much nicer than the other recipe. We use fresh herbs & spices, make our own fresh sauces/pastes straight from the nuts/herbs/chilli etc. These were choices we made to reduce our crap intake & improve on the additives my youngest was absorbing in order to also improve her behaviour.
Naughty or destructive behaviour is no different. Yet if you take a long close look at the age old behaviour modification technique 'punishment' which we use across our justice systems, in parenting, in cultures around the world, punishment rarely works. It may cease the behaviour immediately (arrested, pain, death, fear) yet it doesn't have long term capacity to create change in the behaviour that requires modifying. If it did, our prisons would not be full of repeat offenders, we would all have perfect children & when you scolded a child for doing something they would never do it again. In reality punishment just doesn't work. It is short pain without long term gain.
What does work is positively reinforcing the behaviour you do like/want. If someone does something nice for you, tell them & they will do it again. Try telling someone how beautiful they look today & then try telling them how they look like crap or their backside looks big in that outfit, see how different their behaviour is purely by what you say & do to start it off. You have the power in your hands, in your voice & thoughts, in your behaviour to change what is going on around you. Before you can get started you need to identify what is the behaviour you want to change & what is happening right before the behaviour starts.You have got to get to the ANTECEDENT of a behaviour (what was happening right before the behaviour) to understand where to go & what to do next. Sometimes it is a matter of changing the antecedent & the behaviour changes automatically.
What we sometimes do without thinking about it (when we are tired, exhausted, have no more ideas up our sleeve, down on resources, frustrated or angry), is we reinforce a behaviour & make it stronger purely by our actions & how we respond. It happens in parenting every day. A child demands attention, you may negatively reinforce the behaviour by responding to the child (even if it is screaming & you are the one doing it), the child receives the attention. You may positively respond by re directing the behaviour or doing something different - either way if you reinforce the behaviour either negatively or positively you make THE BEHAVIOUR STRONGER. One of my first behaviour modification assignments involved altering a child's sleeping patterns (get the child out of the parents bed). I researched techniques & wrote another paper challenging our western perspective of what is actually appropriate sleep for children anyway. The white-way isn't by matter of dominance the right-way. If your goal in your house is to get your child into a routine because that is what you need, then you have the tools right there already. Your voice, your behaviour. Try all the techniques you like, yet the moment you put them back into your bed you will be starting all over again & this time the behaviour is going to be stronger as the child has learned you have a breaking point. There are many techniques to use, yet it all comes down to changing your behaviour in order to change your child's, there is no other way around it. YOU are the instrument of change.
I'm not suggesting a one rule fixes it all, every single person & every single behaviour requires examining to look at what the antecedent & plan the best approach for each person. In relationships matters are far more complex & if you have gone into a relationship with the intention of changing a person you will be fighting a losing battle. For real change to occur a person must first know they have something to change, they then must be willing to change it, then have the skills/capacity to change & then have the means to actually go about it & then above all the capacity to sustain change. For so many people they stumble at the first hurdle, many people are so busy looking at what is happening to them, they don't realise they need to change in order for change to occur. Sometimes change brings us to our knees, it begs us to look at how stubborn or stupid we can be, it tells us to look closely at the decisions we are making & if we don't do something different, nothing of course will change.
I heard a conversation the other day about a person who has refused to see a psychologist as "they've seen them all", they are frustrated their behaviour hasn't changed. Interestingly enough the last time I spoke with this person they were telling me how their new psychologist had reassured them their issues related to their childhood experiences, their unconscious attachment issues....etc etc. If someone is telling you that your behaviour is something outside of your control then what motivation would you have to alter your current behaviour? There is no doubt we have thousands of influences on our behaviour. There are many people out there who can interview a child & as a dog handling friend once stated "it follows down the lead". I can see my reactions to situations in my child's behaviour & their opposing behaviours. I can see the influences of their friends in poor decision making, in likes & dislikes; I can see the influence of television advertising, the latest craze, I can see the influence of creative & interesting people they have had in their lives & by sharing those experiences they have picked up on areas of interest they would never have found in me.
We can all look back in reflection & take stock of who we are & how we got here. How we react in relationships, to being held or not, to being confrontational or passive, to being aggressive or resistant to someone controlling us/telling us what to do, maybe completely different for someone who is happy to follow instructions & direction. Everything we do & say is a result of where we have been, what we have seen & who has been in our life. We are examples of our life experience & our behaviour reflects this. I can tell you it is like reading a book; analysing human behaviour is both fascinating & yet predictable at times. How we live, how we set up our homes, what we wear, what we eat, the friends we have, how we communicate in person & on line, you can take all those parts of ourselves & it helps to profile a person. We are predictable, we are creatures of habit & routines & we stuff up time & time again until we can come to terms with who we are & what needs to change.
Psychologists are no different to doctors or tradesman when it comes to what you need. Every single psychologist has their own beliefs, underpinning values, training and experience. Just like you can have doctors that specialise in different areas, psychologists are the same. You can, as the person has identified above, psychologists who identify with a psychodynamic approach, that your issues arise from unconscious thoughts; you may have a a psychologist who has an underlying theoretical approach where your issues arise from your innate human responses (evolutionary theory), there are cognitive psychologists & behavioural psychologists & you need to find the one that works for you. Teachers are the same; we have Montessori & Steiner, we have emergent curriculum, Regio, we have structured boring theme based approaches - every single teacher is going to be influenced by the theory they identify with & their own beliefs/values. Some may have a blend of different theories, a holistic approach to treatment. Find where you belong, find the person who is going to best meet your needs, don't settle for this will do. There is someone for everyone & if you have something you need to change, then dig in those heels & don't give up. Don't give up on the first try or the 2nd or the third. Work out what it is you are needing & find someone who can meet those needs.
When my son had a lazy eye at birth, I spoke with an early childhood nurse, it was dismissed. I went again & again, then a GP, another GP, then a paeditrician, several of those. I even spoke with a Neurologist & at 16 months of age & one suggested referral for a psychiatrist for myself as "there is nothing wrong with your son", my son was diagnosed with a brain tumour in the brain stem, he died at 3yrs and 4mths of age. Don't give up on your self, on your child or what matters to you. If at first you don't succeed, then go again. Find someone who will listen. Ask friends for referrals, use what resources you have.
For change to occur, for life to change, you need to suck that fear of failing in & you need to put your head down & your bum up & keep going. There will be criticism, there will be opinions & people will pass judgement. Keep going. There will be labels & people will call you pushy or persistent or stupid (gotta love the negative ones). Don't give up. If it matters to you & if you want change to occur keep going. The only difference between something failing & something succeeding is persistence.
If you have behaviour to change, then find a psychologist or professional who has the skills to modify behaviour. Of course there are many people out there for a number of reasons need to see a therapist so they can hear themselves speak, tell their story, cry a little, share their pain. If that is what you need, then so be it. Yet if you seriously want to change a situation you are in, change a behaviour, YOU & ONLY YOU need to do something different & you need to arm yourself with a great behaviour specialist in order to have a full understanding of what needs to occur.
There are thousands of successful stories of using behaviour modification in chronic conditions; children with autism, ADHD, children who are unable to eat, speak or toilet themselves. Behaviour modification has been used for criminal behaviour, in mental health/violence & in goal setting. The basis of dog training is using behaviour modification principles. Yet many psychologists have never even taken behaviour modification in their degrees, it is an elective. I had a situation the other day regarding a sports psychologist who is now working in vocational assessment for insurers. Basically her background & experience is in motivating sporting professionals & she is now giving an opinion on chronic psychological disorders in order to reject insurance claims for superannuation, yet has absolutely no clinical experience or qualifications, by the flick of a pen & a few phone calls placed a family at risk by disclosing sensitive information because she had no idea how to case manage complex cases. If you want the job done properly then get someone who is trained to understand behaviour. You wouldn't go & see the heart surgeon to talk about your gynae problems, then why would you go to see a sports trained psychologist or a general psych to dramatically change complex behaviours?
So yes I use this stuff with my own children, I wish I was more conscious of using it with myself & sometimes wonder if it is less a benefit to understanding when you've stuffed up then it is knowing why when you have an interest in behaviour modification. I wasn't sold on the whole theory to start off, I tested in out at home. I used prompting words for each child in order to get their attention to test whether something so simple could alter whether they hear me speak or not. I said "chocolate" to my 6 year old, "Xbox" to my son; I stopped nagging my son about forgetting to do the rubbish & I started placing it in front of his door so he had to move it to go past. When he came back inside after taking it out I was full of praise & gratitude!! I used a reward chart & a little reverse psych with my youngest to get her out of my bed. I let go of the control & I changed what I was doing prior to their behaviour & like magic it worked time & time again. So I extended these new found skills to all my relationships, even at the supermarket, to my dog (who responded the most positively). I still have many weaknesses & I'm in the middle of doing things completely differently at present in order to change what has been a long term issue for us it all. I decided to allow people to be more accountable for their actions & words. If they said they would call & they don't, I wasn't going to chase it up anymore. I decided more on what I was willing to do & there are times I know I am negatively reinforcing something & yet there will be a time that will cease. Sometimes people need help, sometimes a cuddle, sometimes its about picking your moment as a parent or partner to change something for the better.
If you are exhausted & you are out of options, know that there are options. You are not an endless resource, two heads are better than 1 and 3 better than 2 and so on. If you are really wanting change, then try something different. Friend's may have insight that you can't have because you are too emotionally involved. A professional will have knowledge, skill and years of scientific research practice of tried & tested approaches that remove all the hard work for you or trying & trying again.
You could start today by;
* keeping notes, start a journal on the behaviour you need to change.
*Maybe it is a child that is out of control or maybe its an eating habit or a relationship issue. You could start by making notes about what is happening & what is happening right before it happens.
* Then you will have something to recall & discuss with a professional. Make a note of all the things you have tried in the past, those that have worked & those that didn't work.
* Make a list of the people you have seen about the problem behaviour, names of professionals; it helps to understand where you have been & what resources you have accessed already. Arm yourself with the facts.
* If you would like more information on behaviour modification, Google the articles, there are plenty on line, look at behaviour modification principles & the different technqiues used, these are not for everyone & it will all depend on your personality, your capacity for change, your willingness to engage in a behaviour modification program & your pattern & history of sustaining change.
* Don't be too hard on yourself. Problem behaviours wear us down & altering something complex requires nerves of steel & good friends/support. If you are about to tackle something new & you have a good support network, let them know what is going on & how you might need their help, be armed with reinforcement for when you need it.
If you look at all the dot points above, not one of those involve the other person. This has always been about YOU, just YOU.
YOU are the change that needs to occur. YOU need to do something different for the problem behaviour to change. It may not be the outcome you want, yet that is why you may be holding back from making different choices in the first place; maybe you know where this could go & you are reluctant to go there (fear/anxiety/stress/what will people think).
If you settle for 2nd best, you will get 2nd best. You cannot expect to win a race & never put on a pair of running shoes. If you want that dream job or to fit into a bikini or whatever unrealistic or realistic goal you have, YOU have the power to do what needs to be done.
A long time ago I was in a department store, with a looooong walk way up the middle. I was right down the back with my daughter, she was around 3 I think at the time, we were looking at toys & she decided to have a temper tantrum. It was one of those moments when as a parent you are about to either screw up or step up & I told her we were going. Of course my behaviour escalated her behaviour; she threw herself on the floor, the legs & arms waving & I stood my ground & told her I was going & started to walk. My little person latched herself with arms around my ankle & I kept walking. Fortunately it was lino on the floor & she dragged behind me easily. Oh I had looks from all the people in the store, my daughter had nice big lungs & when she decided to open her eyes near the end of the store & realise I was actually going, the noise stopped & she stood up, to the smile of several elderly ladies in the store. My children often tell me I'm a bit harsh, yet I respond with my role as a parent is to parent first & if we are friends in the process then what a bonus; to raise healthy, responsible, respectful adults & that isn't going to happen by saying yes & by giving in & by going weak at the knees every single time they make demands.
In my roles I've been hit, punched, spat at; I have a long list of creative words I've been called. Once a child hit me in the chest and then called me a "fu**ing fat skanky whore". I responded with "just a minute" I can do the f**ing skanky whore thing, yet fat? did she honestly think I had gained that much weight? At which the child smiled & I said it was time to get in the car (& no this wasn't at home, it was work). We must think on our feet, be willing to bend, let go of the life we have expected, stop expecting people to be what we imagine they should be, they have their own ideas about that & they are relying on us to guide them in the right direction, not tell them where to go! Let people make mistakes, let them make their own choices & your responses to their behaviour will determine whether they change or they repeat the same behaviour over and over again.
This is not easy stuff & I've lived those nightmares, so I'm not talking from inexperience & I'm not suggesting for one moment this won't test you. There are no miracle drugs or cures here for behaviour. You can suppress the behaviour by medicating it where it is needed & yes there are people who have no other option than to pursue that path, if neurologically the brain is not making those happy feel good chemicals to regulate your behaviour then do what must be done. Yet ask yourself, has it changed? I know so many adults on medication to alter their behaviour yet still have the same behavioural issues - am i missing something here? If you had a physical symptom requiring medication & you were still sick after taking the drug for 2mths would you still take it? In treating cancer patients with chemo or radiotherapy, if the tumour keeps growing & the obvious conclusion is the treatment isn't working, then alter the treatemtn! Simple. Mental health & behaviour modification is no different. Expect there to be change & expect it to improve your quality of life, you deserve it! The idea is to treat the behaviour, to modify & improve your quality of life. If the treatment isn't working, do something different. See someone else.
I recently had a lengthy discussion with a professional in the US who specialises in trauma treatment & we were talking about how how complex trauma is on behaviour (about the over simplification & acceptance of combat stress & heavily medicating thousands of soldiers each year with no rehabilitation or improvement in their quality of life, many suicide). The quick fix solutions are not always the best ones & if we are losing people, soldiers, children, victims of violence & nothing is changing; we need to take a long hard look at what is happening with these behaviours in our communities & we need to change, over haul our approach & start saving lives, improving lives & doing something different.
There are so many empowering things we can each do to help ourselves through times of stress & struggle, things w can do ourselves & for each other; to arm ourselves with more resilience & capacity to cope. Something as simple as a hug releases the same chemicals in the brain that anti-depressants supply! You don't get it in milligrams yet you get an immediate release of endorphins, oxytocin, you feel better, physically you feel supported, loved, nurtured. Hug more people, hug those who matter to you & let people hug you.
Everyone experiences crap in their lives, there are so many areas of behaviour we can change, we are not alone, it's how we manage & respond to those emotions, the struggles we experience, the stuff that is happening to in our lives that sets us apart. If you are increasing your substance intake then already you are going to struggle with managing your symptoms; diet plays a major role in managing behaviour (stimulants make you hyper vigilant & less likely to regulate emotions & more likely to over react, deplete energy levels). Exercise is a major contributing factor to managing behavioural issues; walking if you can, swimming if that is your thing, find what works, even if it is laying on the floor in the yoga corpse pose & closing your eyes & breathing - breathe! Our lives are sometimes so chaotic & out of control we don't know how we got to where we are, take time to take stock. Go somewhere quiet, use a moment you have a lone, even if it is rare, don't do the washing or a chore you will have to do later anyway, sit & reflect on where you are at, dream big, write down hopes, dreams, goals, inspire yourself - you need to have food for the brain just as much as you need food in your body; mindfulness, yoga, meditation, reading/relaxation, quiet time.
Where you aware that the majority of the world health disorders, diseases and deaths are preventable? Were you are aware that our societies have become victims of their own behaviour? Their own choices?
We need to stop telling children what to do & start empowering them to be responsible adults, to take charge of their health, to have respect for themselves, respect for others & have responsibility for their actions. I had someone last year whose child had stabbed the other parent with a pair of scissors & was running the house which was out of control, in front of younger children. When I asked the parent what they did in response, they gave the child (17yrs of age) no access to driving the car & the 2 days later needed the child to go the store & so gave the child the car!!! I asked what she would have done if it was a stranger in the house & she said "call the Police". If you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same behaviour. If we do not hold people responsible for their behaviour, they are destined to repeat it, we are in fact negatively reinforcing the behaviour over and over again & just making it stronger. Nice people do not pop of eggs, they are made, they are made with hard work & consistency. We do not arrive in the world with disrespect & ugly attitudes, they are made & they are reinforced when the people around that personality continue to fail at providing consequences or change in order to alter the behaviour.
Our communities need more responsible adults, we need more responsible children; we need adults who can make hard decisions & professionals to stand by them to help them get there. We need communities to support each other, through times of struggle, so we can modify our own behaviours & be the change we want to see in the world.
Save yourself a lot of wasted energy, plenty of heartache & frustration. Stop trying to change others & start taking ownership of your own behaviour. Throw out those expectations you have of others & start deciding what it is about you that needs to be different. People can only treat you the way you allow them to, they need your consent & you standing there taking it. Put the focus light onto you, start with simple changes & start bearing witness to the amazing life you deserve. If you want change, you need to change yourself. Once you embrace that reality, the power is in your hands to do anything & everything you every imagined life could be. Be the change!
Go get it xoxoxo
If you stop & think about it long enough, it's rather rude, ignorant and even borders on arrogance; to think we can know everything we can about a person. Of course we do get to know each other well in close relationships, yet no one will ever fully understand the mind of another. Stop and think about you for a while (I tried this exercise with my children), what you think to yourself as someone is berating you or what you think in those quiet moments, those thoughts you never share, why you do what you do (what makes sense/what doesn't make sense), what you keep to yourself, what you hold back. I could go on with a multitude of hidden agendas and motivations behind your behaviour. We react to someones behaviour based on our own values & ideas. No one said we have all the answers or our beliefs are the be all of everything. We are all learning here & learning to understand someone else is the first step to doing something different yourself. If you are not getting the reaction you expected, then change what you are doing. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different response.
Most people rarely understand their own behaviour & yet tend to be more focused on someone else as it is much easier to observe another persons behaviour than our own. The reality is whatever is occurring in a relationship the interaction has two behaviours interacting. One is not to know what triggers or pushes the others buttons. How ridiculous does it sound when you are driving down the street & a person makes a silly error on the road & you exclaim "what on earth were they thinking". How could you know that, as much as they could know what you are thinking right then at that moment.
I use to travel with a person in the car (usually driving) who was easily irritated by other people on the road. I would throw in a "well maybe his wife is dying & he is rushing to the hospital" or "maybe she just had bad news & isn't concentrating", "maybe they have bills up their eyeballs & need the job that they are rushing to the interview for"........how we respond to someone elses behaviour says more about us than it does about them. Too often we impose our values & ideas onto others with expectations that if you were in their shoes you would do things differently. Maybe you have a friend who is over reacting, a partner who is behaving in a way that you don't understand; at the end of the day we are not them, yet how we respond to their behaviour is about us & will alter or not their behaviour. If you want something different, you need to do something different. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
There is that interesting story some years ago about the woman in a lift somewhere in Vegas & an African American man enters with a group of friends & says "hit the floor" and the woman. Before the brain has actually even registered what the words mean, the woman is spread eagle on the floor & the lift bursts into laughter. Later that day the woman is checking out & apparently as the story goes her bill has been paid with a note "thank you for the best laugh ever" signed Lionel Richie.
Assumptions are at the core of over reactions, fear is at the core of jumping to conclusions. If we stay in the present, if we look at what is happening right here, right now, what triggered the behaviour, we have the power to change our response. One of the most common discussions in relationship counselling and parenting intervention is the victim of the relationship stating something must be done and done as soon as possible as their relationship or home is out of control. Dealing with victims stuck in the 'everything is happening to me' is rather challenging for any therapist and even more so when the behaviour they are the victim of is violence or threatening to their safety. There are no doubts there are victims of violence & victims of situations which no one would want in their lifetime; yet to stay a victim is a choice.
The thing about change is this - there are always choices. You make them every single moment of every day. You may think you are not a willing participant & many things will influence your decisions, even the unconscious ones; fear of hurt, fear of pain, fear of loss, terror, fear of abandonment, of being alone, of suffering. For many families I've worked with, many parents over the years, too many are caught up in the fear associated with what people will think, about being more concerned with acceptance by their family, friends, peers than they are about actually changing the crap life they are stuck in.
You have to let go of the past in order to move into the future. You need to let go of who you think you are supposed to be in order to move towards who are are destined to be. Let go of the expectations & the assumptions, stay in the present, do what works/matters to you, what someone else is doing is irrelevant. Put it this way, if they stuff up & you follow that path, you end up with the same result.
Many victims of domestic violence know all these real fears too well. Many parents of violent children also know these feelings, coupled with the love you feel for the perpetrator of the violence at the same time; this makes decision making something too hard to tackle on your own. Get advice, reach out for support & keep knocking on doors until the right ones open.
If you are stuck & you have a problem situation that seems to be going nowhere fast & you feel like you are stuck on a revolving treadmill, mopping up spillages, picking up the pieces & sticking tape on a broken & fragile relationship; then take stock of the choices you are making & those you are choosing not to make. Get a clear picture of what is going on, what your role is in the situation, even if you are scared out of your brain - this is not a judgement, it is taking stock of the facts, what is actually happening & the roles people play. We cannot change a situation unless we know what is occurring. This is your first step to taking back the steering wheel of your life.
I've seen people continue to stand behind lies that are just too ugly to face & continue to claim they want change & do something different. Yet sometimes until we get to the ugly truth about what is going on, we take off the band-aid & clean out that wound, nothing is going to heal until we let the light in. Nothing will change, we will be destined to repeat the same behaviour over & over again.
Some years ago I read an article on diets & weight loss. There are so many diets out there & people telling you what you can & can't eat, forget the fact that we all have different sizes, metabolisms, cultures & health issues; if you are to believe the magazines & hype, you too can have the perfect body if you just follow this diet plan. In reality, people eat for a multitude of reasons. I know tiny people who eat well & large people who eat little, yet both just different types of foods, different types of activites/lifestyles/choices. People who over eat have formed a multitude of behavioural habits over long periods of time. Many people who over eat do so out of emotional needs; comfort eating. Some over eat & the wrong foods due to poor education, convenience, budget requirements. Eve tried eating organic healthy food while travelling? Much cheaper to get a $2 cheeseburger than a a bowl of organic tofu & salad at $12. There are foods and substances (alcohol/drugs) which meet our immediate needs when the crap hits the fan & stuffing a packet of chips or chocolate biscuits in there eases the pain long enough to catch your breathe. Yet unless you get to the bottom of what is happening before you start stuffing your face or wasting yourself, you will never find a diet that can maintain a good healthy weight for the rest of your life. You will still have that underlying habit, that every time life gets a bit stressful, you reach for the one thing you know that brings you comfort. Take the traveling example - to understand how to change the over eating on the road, you need to look at what is happening. The most obvious solution is to plan ahead, pack your food, stop in a nice park/stretch your legs, don't stop at takeaway or drive thru. Take more time to drive, enjoy it, make it more about the trip & less about the junk food on the way. School lunches are no different. Food in the house is no different. If you can't control your binge eating, then don't buy it in the first place. Don't give up movie nights or doing things which involve food, do some research, choose different recipes.
In the last few months my daughter has progressed from vegetarian to vegan. I have been learning more about her needs every day & I am pleasantly surprised at her enthusiasm in the kitchen, the yummy meals she has been serving up & where there is a will there is a way. What was once a saturated fat dripping nachos, we now have beans (my daughter) or my youngest & I have lean mince with beans, goat cheese, gluten free/organic chips (my daughter also makes her own sweat potato chips, they are delicious). We have over halved the fat & unnecessary health destroying crap in the original meal by altering a few ingredients & I go back for seconds it is much nicer than the other recipe. We use fresh herbs & spices, make our own fresh sauces/pastes straight from the nuts/herbs/chilli etc. These were choices we made to reduce our crap intake & improve on the additives my youngest was absorbing in order to also improve her behaviour.
Naughty or destructive behaviour is no different. Yet if you take a long close look at the age old behaviour modification technique 'punishment' which we use across our justice systems, in parenting, in cultures around the world, punishment rarely works. It may cease the behaviour immediately (arrested, pain, death, fear) yet it doesn't have long term capacity to create change in the behaviour that requires modifying. If it did, our prisons would not be full of repeat offenders, we would all have perfect children & when you scolded a child for doing something they would never do it again. In reality punishment just doesn't work. It is short pain without long term gain.
What does work is positively reinforcing the behaviour you do like/want. If someone does something nice for you, tell them & they will do it again. Try telling someone how beautiful they look today & then try telling them how they look like crap or their backside looks big in that outfit, see how different their behaviour is purely by what you say & do to start it off. You have the power in your hands, in your voice & thoughts, in your behaviour to change what is going on around you. Before you can get started you need to identify what is the behaviour you want to change & what is happening right before the behaviour starts.You have got to get to the ANTECEDENT of a behaviour (what was happening right before the behaviour) to understand where to go & what to do next. Sometimes it is a matter of changing the antecedent & the behaviour changes automatically.
What we sometimes do without thinking about it (when we are tired, exhausted, have no more ideas up our sleeve, down on resources, frustrated or angry), is we reinforce a behaviour & make it stronger purely by our actions & how we respond. It happens in parenting every day. A child demands attention, you may negatively reinforce the behaviour by responding to the child (even if it is screaming & you are the one doing it), the child receives the attention. You may positively respond by re directing the behaviour or doing something different - either way if you reinforce the behaviour either negatively or positively you make THE BEHAVIOUR STRONGER. One of my first behaviour modification assignments involved altering a child's sleeping patterns (get the child out of the parents bed). I researched techniques & wrote another paper challenging our western perspective of what is actually appropriate sleep for children anyway. The white-way isn't by matter of dominance the right-way. If your goal in your house is to get your child into a routine because that is what you need, then you have the tools right there already. Your voice, your behaviour. Try all the techniques you like, yet the moment you put them back into your bed you will be starting all over again & this time the behaviour is going to be stronger as the child has learned you have a breaking point. There are many techniques to use, yet it all comes down to changing your behaviour in order to change your child's, there is no other way around it. YOU are the instrument of change.
I'm not suggesting a one rule fixes it all, every single person & every single behaviour requires examining to look at what the antecedent & plan the best approach for each person. In relationships matters are far more complex & if you have gone into a relationship with the intention of changing a person you will be fighting a losing battle. For real change to occur a person must first know they have something to change, they then must be willing to change it, then have the skills/capacity to change & then have the means to actually go about it & then above all the capacity to sustain change. For so many people they stumble at the first hurdle, many people are so busy looking at what is happening to them, they don't realise they need to change in order for change to occur. Sometimes change brings us to our knees, it begs us to look at how stubborn or stupid we can be, it tells us to look closely at the decisions we are making & if we don't do something different, nothing of course will change.
I heard a conversation the other day about a person who has refused to see a psychologist as "they've seen them all", they are frustrated their behaviour hasn't changed. Interestingly enough the last time I spoke with this person they were telling me how their new psychologist had reassured them their issues related to their childhood experiences, their unconscious attachment issues....etc etc. If someone is telling you that your behaviour is something outside of your control then what motivation would you have to alter your current behaviour? There is no doubt we have thousands of influences on our behaviour. There are many people out there who can interview a child & as a dog handling friend once stated "it follows down the lead". I can see my reactions to situations in my child's behaviour & their opposing behaviours. I can see the influences of their friends in poor decision making, in likes & dislikes; I can see the influence of television advertising, the latest craze, I can see the influence of creative & interesting people they have had in their lives & by sharing those experiences they have picked up on areas of interest they would never have found in me.
We can all look back in reflection & take stock of who we are & how we got here. How we react in relationships, to being held or not, to being confrontational or passive, to being aggressive or resistant to someone controlling us/telling us what to do, maybe completely different for someone who is happy to follow instructions & direction. Everything we do & say is a result of where we have been, what we have seen & who has been in our life. We are examples of our life experience & our behaviour reflects this. I can tell you it is like reading a book; analysing human behaviour is both fascinating & yet predictable at times. How we live, how we set up our homes, what we wear, what we eat, the friends we have, how we communicate in person & on line, you can take all those parts of ourselves & it helps to profile a person. We are predictable, we are creatures of habit & routines & we stuff up time & time again until we can come to terms with who we are & what needs to change.
Psychologists are no different to doctors or tradesman when it comes to what you need. Every single psychologist has their own beliefs, underpinning values, training and experience. Just like you can have doctors that specialise in different areas, psychologists are the same. You can, as the person has identified above, psychologists who identify with a psychodynamic approach, that your issues arise from unconscious thoughts; you may have a a psychologist who has an underlying theoretical approach where your issues arise from your innate human responses (evolutionary theory), there are cognitive psychologists & behavioural psychologists & you need to find the one that works for you. Teachers are the same; we have Montessori & Steiner, we have emergent curriculum, Regio, we have structured boring theme based approaches - every single teacher is going to be influenced by the theory they identify with & their own beliefs/values. Some may have a blend of different theories, a holistic approach to treatment. Find where you belong, find the person who is going to best meet your needs, don't settle for this will do. There is someone for everyone & if you have something you need to change, then dig in those heels & don't give up. Don't give up on the first try or the 2nd or the third. Work out what it is you are needing & find someone who can meet those needs.
When my son had a lazy eye at birth, I spoke with an early childhood nurse, it was dismissed. I went again & again, then a GP, another GP, then a paeditrician, several of those. I even spoke with a Neurologist & at 16 months of age & one suggested referral for a psychiatrist for myself as "there is nothing wrong with your son", my son was diagnosed with a brain tumour in the brain stem, he died at 3yrs and 4mths of age. Don't give up on your self, on your child or what matters to you. If at first you don't succeed, then go again. Find someone who will listen. Ask friends for referrals, use what resources you have.
For change to occur, for life to change, you need to suck that fear of failing in & you need to put your head down & your bum up & keep going. There will be criticism, there will be opinions & people will pass judgement. Keep going. There will be labels & people will call you pushy or persistent or stupid (gotta love the negative ones). Don't give up. If it matters to you & if you want change to occur keep going. The only difference between something failing & something succeeding is persistence.
If you have behaviour to change, then find a psychologist or professional who has the skills to modify behaviour. Of course there are many people out there for a number of reasons need to see a therapist so they can hear themselves speak, tell their story, cry a little, share their pain. If that is what you need, then so be it. Yet if you seriously want to change a situation you are in, change a behaviour, YOU & ONLY YOU need to do something different & you need to arm yourself with a great behaviour specialist in order to have a full understanding of what needs to occur.
There are thousands of successful stories of using behaviour modification in chronic conditions; children with autism, ADHD, children who are unable to eat, speak or toilet themselves. Behaviour modification has been used for criminal behaviour, in mental health/violence & in goal setting. The basis of dog training is using behaviour modification principles. Yet many psychologists have never even taken behaviour modification in their degrees, it is an elective. I had a situation the other day regarding a sports psychologist who is now working in vocational assessment for insurers. Basically her background & experience is in motivating sporting professionals & she is now giving an opinion on chronic psychological disorders in order to reject insurance claims for superannuation, yet has absolutely no clinical experience or qualifications, by the flick of a pen & a few phone calls placed a family at risk by disclosing sensitive information because she had no idea how to case manage complex cases. If you want the job done properly then get someone who is trained to understand behaviour. You wouldn't go & see the heart surgeon to talk about your gynae problems, then why would you go to see a sports trained psychologist or a general psych to dramatically change complex behaviours?
So yes I use this stuff with my own children, I wish I was more conscious of using it with myself & sometimes wonder if it is less a benefit to understanding when you've stuffed up then it is knowing why when you have an interest in behaviour modification. I wasn't sold on the whole theory to start off, I tested in out at home. I used prompting words for each child in order to get their attention to test whether something so simple could alter whether they hear me speak or not. I said "chocolate" to my 6 year old, "Xbox" to my son; I stopped nagging my son about forgetting to do the rubbish & I started placing it in front of his door so he had to move it to go past. When he came back inside after taking it out I was full of praise & gratitude!! I used a reward chart & a little reverse psych with my youngest to get her out of my bed. I let go of the control & I changed what I was doing prior to their behaviour & like magic it worked time & time again. So I extended these new found skills to all my relationships, even at the supermarket, to my dog (who responded the most positively). I still have many weaknesses & I'm in the middle of doing things completely differently at present in order to change what has been a long term issue for us it all. I decided to allow people to be more accountable for their actions & words. If they said they would call & they don't, I wasn't going to chase it up anymore. I decided more on what I was willing to do & there are times I know I am negatively reinforcing something & yet there will be a time that will cease. Sometimes people need help, sometimes a cuddle, sometimes its about picking your moment as a parent or partner to change something for the better.
If you are exhausted & you are out of options, know that there are options. You are not an endless resource, two heads are better than 1 and 3 better than 2 and so on. If you are really wanting change, then try something different. Friend's may have insight that you can't have because you are too emotionally involved. A professional will have knowledge, skill and years of scientific research practice of tried & tested approaches that remove all the hard work for you or trying & trying again.
You could start today by;
* keeping notes, start a journal on the behaviour you need to change.
*Maybe it is a child that is out of control or maybe its an eating habit or a relationship issue. You could start by making notes about what is happening & what is happening right before it happens.
* Then you will have something to recall & discuss with a professional. Make a note of all the things you have tried in the past, those that have worked & those that didn't work.
* Make a list of the people you have seen about the problem behaviour, names of professionals; it helps to understand where you have been & what resources you have accessed already. Arm yourself with the facts.
* If you would like more information on behaviour modification, Google the articles, there are plenty on line, look at behaviour modification principles & the different technqiues used, these are not for everyone & it will all depend on your personality, your capacity for change, your willingness to engage in a behaviour modification program & your pattern & history of sustaining change.
* Don't be too hard on yourself. Problem behaviours wear us down & altering something complex requires nerves of steel & good friends/support. If you are about to tackle something new & you have a good support network, let them know what is going on & how you might need their help, be armed with reinforcement for when you need it.
If you look at all the dot points above, not one of those involve the other person. This has always been about YOU, just YOU.
YOU are the change that needs to occur. YOU need to do something different for the problem behaviour to change. It may not be the outcome you want, yet that is why you may be holding back from making different choices in the first place; maybe you know where this could go & you are reluctant to go there (fear/anxiety/stress/what will people think).
If you settle for 2nd best, you will get 2nd best. You cannot expect to win a race & never put on a pair of running shoes. If you want that dream job or to fit into a bikini or whatever unrealistic or realistic goal you have, YOU have the power to do what needs to be done.
A long time ago I was in a department store, with a looooong walk way up the middle. I was right down the back with my daughter, she was around 3 I think at the time, we were looking at toys & she decided to have a temper tantrum. It was one of those moments when as a parent you are about to either screw up or step up & I told her we were going. Of course my behaviour escalated her behaviour; she threw herself on the floor, the legs & arms waving & I stood my ground & told her I was going & started to walk. My little person latched herself with arms around my ankle & I kept walking. Fortunately it was lino on the floor & she dragged behind me easily. Oh I had looks from all the people in the store, my daughter had nice big lungs & when she decided to open her eyes near the end of the store & realise I was actually going, the noise stopped & she stood up, to the smile of several elderly ladies in the store. My children often tell me I'm a bit harsh, yet I respond with my role as a parent is to parent first & if we are friends in the process then what a bonus; to raise healthy, responsible, respectful adults & that isn't going to happen by saying yes & by giving in & by going weak at the knees every single time they make demands.
In my roles I've been hit, punched, spat at; I have a long list of creative words I've been called. Once a child hit me in the chest and then called me a "fu**ing fat skanky whore". I responded with "just a minute" I can do the f**ing skanky whore thing, yet fat? did she honestly think I had gained that much weight? At which the child smiled & I said it was time to get in the car (& no this wasn't at home, it was work). We must think on our feet, be willing to bend, let go of the life we have expected, stop expecting people to be what we imagine they should be, they have their own ideas about that & they are relying on us to guide them in the right direction, not tell them where to go! Let people make mistakes, let them make their own choices & your responses to their behaviour will determine whether they change or they repeat the same behaviour over and over again.
This is not easy stuff & I've lived those nightmares, so I'm not talking from inexperience & I'm not suggesting for one moment this won't test you. There are no miracle drugs or cures here for behaviour. You can suppress the behaviour by medicating it where it is needed & yes there are people who have no other option than to pursue that path, if neurologically the brain is not making those happy feel good chemicals to regulate your behaviour then do what must be done. Yet ask yourself, has it changed? I know so many adults on medication to alter their behaviour yet still have the same behavioural issues - am i missing something here? If you had a physical symptom requiring medication & you were still sick after taking the drug for 2mths would you still take it? In treating cancer patients with chemo or radiotherapy, if the tumour keeps growing & the obvious conclusion is the treatment isn't working, then alter the treatemtn! Simple. Mental health & behaviour modification is no different. Expect there to be change & expect it to improve your quality of life, you deserve it! The idea is to treat the behaviour, to modify & improve your quality of life. If the treatment isn't working, do something different. See someone else.
I recently had a lengthy discussion with a professional in the US who specialises in trauma treatment & we were talking about how how complex trauma is on behaviour (about the over simplification & acceptance of combat stress & heavily medicating thousands of soldiers each year with no rehabilitation or improvement in their quality of life, many suicide). The quick fix solutions are not always the best ones & if we are losing people, soldiers, children, victims of violence & nothing is changing; we need to take a long hard look at what is happening with these behaviours in our communities & we need to change, over haul our approach & start saving lives, improving lives & doing something different.
There are so many empowering things we can each do to help ourselves through times of stress & struggle, things w can do ourselves & for each other; to arm ourselves with more resilience & capacity to cope. Something as simple as a hug releases the same chemicals in the brain that anti-depressants supply! You don't get it in milligrams yet you get an immediate release of endorphins, oxytocin, you feel better, physically you feel supported, loved, nurtured. Hug more people, hug those who matter to you & let people hug you.
Everyone experiences crap in their lives, there are so many areas of behaviour we can change, we are not alone, it's how we manage & respond to those emotions, the struggles we experience, the stuff that is happening to in our lives that sets us apart. If you are increasing your substance intake then already you are going to struggle with managing your symptoms; diet plays a major role in managing behaviour (stimulants make you hyper vigilant & less likely to regulate emotions & more likely to over react, deplete energy levels). Exercise is a major contributing factor to managing behavioural issues; walking if you can, swimming if that is your thing, find what works, even if it is laying on the floor in the yoga corpse pose & closing your eyes & breathing - breathe! Our lives are sometimes so chaotic & out of control we don't know how we got to where we are, take time to take stock. Go somewhere quiet, use a moment you have a lone, even if it is rare, don't do the washing or a chore you will have to do later anyway, sit & reflect on where you are at, dream big, write down hopes, dreams, goals, inspire yourself - you need to have food for the brain just as much as you need food in your body; mindfulness, yoga, meditation, reading/relaxation, quiet time.
Where you aware that the majority of the world health disorders, diseases and deaths are preventable? Were you are aware that our societies have become victims of their own behaviour? Their own choices?
We need to stop telling children what to do & start empowering them to be responsible adults, to take charge of their health, to have respect for themselves, respect for others & have responsibility for their actions. I had someone last year whose child had stabbed the other parent with a pair of scissors & was running the house which was out of control, in front of younger children. When I asked the parent what they did in response, they gave the child (17yrs of age) no access to driving the car & the 2 days later needed the child to go the store & so gave the child the car!!! I asked what she would have done if it was a stranger in the house & she said "call the Police". If you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same behaviour. If we do not hold people responsible for their behaviour, they are destined to repeat it, we are in fact negatively reinforcing the behaviour over and over again & just making it stronger. Nice people do not pop of eggs, they are made, they are made with hard work & consistency. We do not arrive in the world with disrespect & ugly attitudes, they are made & they are reinforced when the people around that personality continue to fail at providing consequences or change in order to alter the behaviour.
Our communities need more responsible adults, we need more responsible children; we need adults who can make hard decisions & professionals to stand by them to help them get there. We need communities to support each other, through times of struggle, so we can modify our own behaviours & be the change we want to see in the world.
Save yourself a lot of wasted energy, plenty of heartache & frustration. Stop trying to change others & start taking ownership of your own behaviour. Throw out those expectations you have of others & start deciding what it is about you that needs to be different. People can only treat you the way you allow them to, they need your consent & you standing there taking it. Put the focus light onto you, start with simple changes & start bearing witness to the amazing life you deserve. If you want change, you need to change yourself. Once you embrace that reality, the power is in your hands to do anything & everything you every imagined life could be. Be the change!
Go get it xoxoxo
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The voice of the soul through time
Why do we still send a fax these days? You don't know who is going to receive it at the other end or where it will end up. For goodness sake we have email! Or maybe the lessons are hidden in the mundane & the irritating. Maybe it was never about about the fax, more the journey towards another catalyst, another opportunity for change, a sign post, a turning point. How often do we focus too long on the irritating & mundane, then miss the sign posts?
Books have this way of finding me, in random stores in remote places, 2nd hand, new, the corners of libraries & to be honest I've never liked maps. I figured after my first experience with a GPS when my temptation was to speak back & I wanted to hurl it out the window, being told where to go & how to get there was something I had to work on. Ah the universe & her wisdom, a book is less confrontational, a piece of art more reflective & a gentle nudge, the decision to turn their pages, tuck them in my bag & curl up in bed when all is quiet, absorb the lesson is entirely mine.
Open to such a moment, waiting on yet another fax, a book caught my eye on the 'someone just returned me shelf; who could resist the title 'Only love is real'. First the smirk, then the schema 'yeah right' & then the question to the sarcastic self, "so how do we measure love Dr Weiss"....mmm interesting a doctor writing on love being a tangible living, breathing, hold in your hand, transcend time thing! Can we cut it out, stitch it up, attach it when it's missing & such a little book how could it possibly stand up to all these questions. Flip the back over & browse the comments....mmm more MD's. "Finding & reunited with your soul mate will bring you to profound bliss & happiness, safe in the knowledge that you are together always to the end of time"....Ah....bliss & happiness, what I've always wanted! (Yes I'm still being sarcastic). More doubting thoughts with the speed of lightening challenge the Goddess within; who whips out a response & orders them to sit down & shut the hell up. Come on we are 40 something (maybe a bit more but let's not get too honest here), single & it's been a while. At times we think passion is something that grows wild on the back fence! So what could it hurt to read the sign post? OK get out the card & grab the book, faxing done.
Being one always up for a good debate on what is & isn't real I couldn't resist Dr Brian Weiss' interesting perspective on two souls connected through time. Not just any time, not this time, or the last time, all time. It's not like this is a new concept, from movies to music, it would seem we long for a depth of connection no science can define, industries thrive on our search to understand the inner voice. Maslow suggests our foundations lay in the concrete of our innate need to connect. We can try to run from it, hide from it, beat the crap out of it, as human beings we need to love & feel loved. It would appear if you miss the boat in those critical years your soul aches for the attachment; searching high & low, with no map in hand, seeking out that critical connection which puts the yin in your yang. With no 'all seeing eye' to guide your way.
Only the self knows the true nature of it's longing; no one can define it for you, mould it, buy it or hand it over. It has to be you. Something greater than us all connects the dots. The true self, the real self, the you behind the wall & buried deep self. You, naked, raw, scars & complete you. You are not a God or Goddess, yet. Our purpose is to strive to their status, to do better, be better & keep going. We each carry them within. Think about it; if we can carry a billion codes of genetic proportion to shape the colour of our eyes, our skin, the structure of our teeth, the freckles & whether we will need to always pull the car seat forward or not, why then is it so hard to conceive we carry the memories, the passion, the soul of those before us. Don't go attacking this like an analyst on a PlayStation, you cannot fulfill the picture by joining 2. to 50. You need to follow the path. Sometimes we get lost, we meet lots of people along the way. Like Alice down the rabbit hole we long for a little magic on our way home, there is a temptation to detour too often, to mistaken lust for love & attempt to fill the void with whoever & whatever we can find when we are overwhelmed with loneliness & longing, when the searching is unbearable.
Suck it up people! You can get another job, buy another house, save a bit longer; do you really need to spend more time on the mundane & less on your souls purpose? So you loved once or love many, nothing is lost on the journey. It can take a while for the soul to wear in the new body, especially when it is challenged daily by an ego the size of the universe. What could be more relevant to you, more meaningful & life changing than to listen to your calling, to be the best you can be. What if you discover not only do you have a soul (no it doesn't have a picture, a program or a map), a bit like Hancock or Jane Foster, it longs for it's other half, it searches for your balance. Yet at the end of all days, whatever floats your boat, just don't go blaming a God or a parent, a wrong turn you took because in your last breathe you realise all those critical moments you could have done things differently, the should have, could have, would have. There is always an end. It will be time for your soul to go to the next life & your poor soul, battered & bruised with no result may hope for a light bulb moment way before the last rites next time it decides to inhabit the shell of a human being.
It's crazy, insane even, I know this to be true. The wildest dreamers of history remain the most influential. It is the passionate, the visionary wanderers who know in the depth of those souls, a dream is not a dream unless it's big. Don't get caught up in the mundane, in worrying about ques, waiting & appointments, someone cut you off, you haven't got time, you want more. Cut the crap people, get real with yourself. Everything you need for this adventure is right there inside you. What you need is not on any map, you can't search to the heavens & you still won't find the voice you are seeking.
This is truly the Indiana Jones of all lifetime adventures. Your life, this life, have you ever wondered about that box inside, the one which stores the memories, the passion, the quiet voice inside you that you desperately need to be slapped with at times using a piece of 4x2 to let you know you took the wrong turn! Wake up inner God & Goddess! You can't find it in a new house, a new kitchen, a new car, collecting, hoarding or baking. Go ahead keep busy so you don't have to take this journey. Sit down & throw your hands up in a tanty, it's a choice. It serves no one & least of all you. Your sitting quiet, blaming others, wanting more will not bring you closer. You are not in control, there is no control. You cannot live your souls purpose through your children, your family or your friends. There are choices, times for change & direction. Like a winding maze listening to the beat of a heart, the glow of a light, you can choose to follow the sounds, the sign posts or go your own way. The message here seems to be clear, you can open yourself up to everyone amazing life changing experience or do things your way. You can't replace it, make it or find it. Your soul isn't at a clearance sale. It was there long before those cells started to divide & divide & divide to make way for that body you punish in search of what you already HAVE!. It has chosen you, it has faith you can do this & like all that exists even our soul requires balance.
Look around us, light/dark, male/female, yes/no, keep going, you will see it in every corner of the globe....balance. What makes you think your soul is any different. It depends on you to be true, to love unconditionally, to learn from each experience, to open your mind, trust your instinct & lead with your heart, be the best you can be. You have many mountains to climb, a journey that will wear you down, break you & build you up time & time again. You may rest in the valley, enjoy the view from the top, just don't stop. You will know what is true, trust yourself more than any person. If you can't trust a single soul, at least trust your own. You will know when you find the other half. You will love many times & your soul will know the difference. Take every piece of ecstasy, every single taste, smell, sense you know that lifts you above your body & radiates 'feel good' & put it all together, like samples to lead you towards more. It sounds like something one person couldn't survive, a collision of volcanic proportions. It is not one or the other, it is all. You cannot teach your soul to sing when it already has its own song & when it finds someone who knows that tune it is etched etched in time.
As Catherine shares her story with Weiss, we hear the million voices of women in loveless relationships. Good men, bad men, good people, bad people will come in & out of our lives. You know I know you know (I love that line!) the difference between when your heart sings, your body moves & when you compromise. For some good enough will always be enough, the risk of being alone for all eternity is too great. As the movies you watch to re charge that longing, share the universal story & so do they share our disbelief. Heartbreak, loss, grief, destined to be together, destined to be apart. The tales of superheroes which must live forever without love. Oh for goodness sake people write your own song, direct your own movie. You decide how the story ends. Stop looking for someone else to tell you. Stop sitting back in your armchair admiring the ease to which successful, happy people have it all. Wake up people! Can you honestly understand every drought, flood & strength it takes for a thousand year old incredibly strong, inspiring & gorgeous tree to hold itself so high? Have you witnessed the days nature begged it to break, to bend, to give a little more, of course not. No she held her ground, dug in those roots & she was damn determined she was not going to fall without giving out everything she had. There is no ease to happiness or success. It takes courage, resilience & the freedom to choose the right to be who you are destined to be. The strong, the tall, the courageous, the successful, they earn every right to be where they are. You want, go get it yourself. Love is no different. You want ordinary, then compromise. You want to answer the call, then listen to it's voice.
Your soul knows where it belongs, it takes you there time & time again & you look away. It uses aversion therapy to bring you to the edge of the abyss & to get you to take a good look at what you risk missing. Sometimes we see it & kid ourselves in believing we can take for granted a moment in time, we can have it again. Trust me on this one, sometimes there is such a moment as once in a lifetime. Listen to it, slow down, breathe, in & out, get to know yourself, you more than anyone else should be able to tell your story. When you are ready, the universe will deliver.
So it isn't often you find the story of a human being, a scientifically trained, educated, experienced, scientist, psychiatrist of the Jewish faith who challenges the medical & scientific models when he explores a fascinating story of souls connected, the beauty & passion of the human soul, the ultimate story of love long after death. We long for it, ache for it, drives our passions, brings out the best & worst in us. What is it we are seeking, why do we need it, why is life empty or without balance without it.
Fascinated by human behaviour, excited by a new perspective & amused by those who search to define that which cannot nor will ever be measured, I enjoy the opportunity to read the wisdom of a human being who has discovered this truth, who has been brought to their heart rather than their knees via a process which challenges the fabric of all they have known. Someone who hasn't let religion, status or their profession wrap them in a magic cloak of ignorance, sheltering them from everything else that is outside their scope. Here it is people, the wisdom across all time! You do not know everything, you cannot, will not & therefore you do not have all the answers. You were given a ticket, a ride you are on whether you like it or not. It will have a start & a finish, how you experience the journey is up to you.
I am first a human being, I am a woman among many labels, I am also single; so a bit excited by the prospect that somewhere in the trillions of our population is someone with a soul (which on its own is a miracle) searching for me. The optimist is excited, no longer do I need to be a warrior, leap tall buildings in a single bound, be the first one into battle, do I need to throw myself into every challenge & test after test. I can throw down the sarcasm, the fronts & behinds, somewhere, out there is my balance, we are lost, my soul & I, I can't find it or maybe I didn't recognise it when we crossed paths again in this lifetime & I was too damn pig headed to read the map! That would be the optimist.
Now let the pessimist take a turn. Is this perspective suggesting that like a needle in a haystack, no actually that would be too small, a needle in the ocean, on the bottom of the deepest, darkest, undiscovered part of the ocean may be the key to all we are, the other half of my soul. The soul that sends me into battle, into heartache & tragedy, life after life she looks for you I long for you, never knowing that I never needed to carry that baggage all this time! In each lifetime, like magnets we are entwined. I will only know you when we connect and I must wait. I may have felt your touch, held your hand & not realising the significance or did I, I let it go. You may not even recognise who I am, we may have to do this meeting over many times, across many centuries & still our chances are slim. Yet I am still to believe & I am to hold onto faith, to answer the call whether you find me or not. Am I to now understand, I am the voices of a thousand lost souls & this epiphany is our turning point? You are close & yet still so far!
"There is someone special for everyone...... They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time & the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side of heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them.....You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone. You head may interfere "I do not know you", your heart knows. .......for the first time, and the memory of (the) touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being."
As many of you would know I tap away here in the hope I may spark some interest in one of many books I have started, weed through the insanity of my thoughts, the ramblings of my imagination & put the finishing touches on at least one of these projects before the next life.
Where does it end, where does a soul begin? Do we seek the answers in books we call religion, seek understanding by deities & Gods, for fear of asking ourselves the right questions would be too complex & unbearable. Are the stories we share across cultures & time, our attempt to rationalise that which we can never define. Heaven forbid we would have to trust ourselves, trust our heart, trust our soul to take responsibility; the choices we make would be of our own making & carry the weight of possessing gifts on our own shoulders. There would be an acceptance of not having all the answers, of letting go of the control.
If fate & destiny dictates the meeting of souls, then why look at all, why rush, complain or force it. Why not sit back, enjoy the ride & take in the view. We WILL meet them, they will be there, time & time again across lifetimes. If you do not step outside your safety zone how could you possibly cross paths again. Would it not be best to embrace all life on this planet, to be friend to all, to love unconditionally. With no need to ever fear being unloved, unwanted; knowing we are never alone.
"and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are goose flesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance. He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on."
Yet here we go again, this carriage has too many voices. The ego steps in, the Goddess, the ego & the self go head to head as I turn the pages. I go through hell across centuries, I carry more scars than Frankenstein and then he doesn't know who I am! Come on Dr Weiss, give me more hope. OK the strong, cape flapping women out there, hiding behind our swords & intimidating presence, I'll stand up & face the music, I'll reveal what is known in the secret garden; we all have a little Elspeth Dickens in us. Tired, superwomen, babies tucked under arms, more in the out groups than the in, singing (or blogging or painting, pick your medicine) our way through our lives, losing ourselves in the process . Who wouldn't appreciate a gesture in the form of a community stopped by your other half who happens to look like Ronan Keating (OM gosh sings like him too & wears an awesome apron on its own!) frozen in their froth by the sounds of a whale bellowing from a helicopter like chariot, the sounds of a mate looking for his other half, searching for it (as if my expectations weren't high enough). Is it any wonder on attempting to clear the head whilst digesting the pages of Dr Weiss' discovery & my small attempt at clarifying the most complex of all human desires I was caught off guard by an intense headache, feeling of unwellness & without notice (& thankfully on an empty stomach) brought up the collections of my stomach all over my desk, the PC & my self! Yes I hear the Goddess now "you did say a piece of 4x2 didn't you!".
Thank you Dr Weiss for igniting the faith, rekindling the flame, restoring a little light a while longer. This inner Goddess is tired & worn, this adventure has been more like a primal reality show of warriors reunited. Wherever he is, I guess he is out there, maybe he is lost & he is tired & you've given me if anything an opportunity to expand the mind to consider how a medical professional of your calibre could believe in past life regression then it was worth exploring further.
Who am I & why am I here, is the voice of the soul through time. Will someone love me, hold me, want me, need me, keep me safe or will we carry the weight of a thousand souls & travel this lifetime alone. Is it real, is love real? Can it awaken me, move me, show me a living I'm yet to comprehend? (OK yes I know the good friends out there have already worked out I haven't had enough caffeine, sleep or well maybe chocolate!).
Books have this way of finding me, in random stores in remote places, 2nd hand, new, the corners of libraries & to be honest I've never liked maps. I figured after my first experience with a GPS when my temptation was to speak back & I wanted to hurl it out the window, being told where to go & how to get there was something I had to work on. Ah the universe & her wisdom, a book is less confrontational, a piece of art more reflective & a gentle nudge, the decision to turn their pages, tuck them in my bag & curl up in bed when all is quiet, absorb the lesson is entirely mine.
Open to such a moment, waiting on yet another fax, a book caught my eye on the 'someone just returned me shelf; who could resist the title 'Only love is real'. First the smirk, then the schema 'yeah right' & then the question to the sarcastic self, "so how do we measure love Dr Weiss"....mmm interesting a doctor writing on love being a tangible living, breathing, hold in your hand, transcend time thing! Can we cut it out, stitch it up, attach it when it's missing & such a little book how could it possibly stand up to all these questions. Flip the back over & browse the comments....mmm more MD's. "Finding & reunited with your soul mate will bring you to profound bliss & happiness, safe in the knowledge that you are together always to the end of time"....Ah....bliss & happiness, what I've always wanted! (Yes I'm still being sarcastic). More doubting thoughts with the speed of lightening challenge the Goddess within; who whips out a response & orders them to sit down & shut the hell up. Come on we are 40 something (maybe a bit more but let's not get too honest here), single & it's been a while. At times we think passion is something that grows wild on the back fence! So what could it hurt to read the sign post? OK get out the card & grab the book, faxing done.
(A) "God may be in the details,
but the Goddess is in the questions.
Once we begin to ask them,
there's no turning back."
- Gloria Steinem
Being one always up for a good debate on what is & isn't real I couldn't resist Dr Brian Weiss' interesting perspective on two souls connected through time. Not just any time, not this time, or the last time, all time. It's not like this is a new concept, from movies to music, it would seem we long for a depth of connection no science can define, industries thrive on our search to understand the inner voice. Maslow suggests our foundations lay in the concrete of our innate need to connect. We can try to run from it, hide from it, beat the crap out of it, as human beings we need to love & feel loved. It would appear if you miss the boat in those critical years your soul aches for the attachment; searching high & low, with no map in hand, seeking out that critical connection which puts the yin in your yang. With no 'all seeing eye' to guide your way.
Only the self knows the true nature of it's longing; no one can define it for you, mould it, buy it or hand it over. It has to be you. Something greater than us all connects the dots. The true self, the real self, the you behind the wall & buried deep self. You, naked, raw, scars & complete you. You are not a God or Goddess, yet. Our purpose is to strive to their status, to do better, be better & keep going. We each carry them within. Think about it; if we can carry a billion codes of genetic proportion to shape the colour of our eyes, our skin, the structure of our teeth, the freckles & whether we will need to always pull the car seat forward or not, why then is it so hard to conceive we carry the memories, the passion, the soul of those before us. Don't go attacking this like an analyst on a PlayStation, you cannot fulfill the picture by joining 2. to 50. You need to follow the path. Sometimes we get lost, we meet lots of people along the way. Like Alice down the rabbit hole we long for a little magic on our way home, there is a temptation to detour too often, to mistaken lust for love & attempt to fill the void with whoever & whatever we can find when we are overwhelmed with loneliness & longing, when the searching is unbearable.
Suck it up people! You can get another job, buy another house, save a bit longer; do you really need to spend more time on the mundane & less on your souls purpose? So you loved once or love many, nothing is lost on the journey. It can take a while for the soul to wear in the new body, especially when it is challenged daily by an ego the size of the universe. What could be more relevant to you, more meaningful & life changing than to listen to your calling, to be the best you can be. What if you discover not only do you have a soul (no it doesn't have a picture, a program or a map), a bit like Hancock or Jane Foster, it longs for it's other half, it searches for your balance. Yet at the end of all days, whatever floats your boat, just don't go blaming a God or a parent, a wrong turn you took because in your last breathe you realise all those critical moments you could have done things differently, the should have, could have, would have. There is always an end. It will be time for your soul to go to the next life & your poor soul, battered & bruised with no result may hope for a light bulb moment way before the last rites next time it decides to inhabit the shell of a human being.
It's crazy, insane even, I know this to be true. The wildest dreamers of history remain the most influential. It is the passionate, the visionary wanderers who know in the depth of those souls, a dream is not a dream unless it's big. Don't get caught up in the mundane, in worrying about ques, waiting & appointments, someone cut you off, you haven't got time, you want more. Cut the crap people, get real with yourself. Everything you need for this adventure is right there inside you. What you need is not on any map, you can't search to the heavens & you still won't find the voice you are seeking.
This is truly the Indiana Jones of all lifetime adventures. Your life, this life, have you ever wondered about that box inside, the one which stores the memories, the passion, the quiet voice inside you that you desperately need to be slapped with at times using a piece of 4x2 to let you know you took the wrong turn! Wake up inner God & Goddess! You can't find it in a new house, a new kitchen, a new car, collecting, hoarding or baking. Go ahead keep busy so you don't have to take this journey. Sit down & throw your hands up in a tanty, it's a choice. It serves no one & least of all you. Your sitting quiet, blaming others, wanting more will not bring you closer. You are not in control, there is no control. You cannot live your souls purpose through your children, your family or your friends. There are choices, times for change & direction. Like a winding maze listening to the beat of a heart, the glow of a light, you can choose to follow the sounds, the sign posts or go your own way. The message here seems to be clear, you can open yourself up to everyone amazing life changing experience or do things your way. You can't replace it, make it or find it. Your soul isn't at a clearance sale. It was there long before those cells started to divide & divide & divide to make way for that body you punish in search of what you already HAVE!. It has chosen you, it has faith you can do this & like all that exists even our soul requires balance.
Look around us, light/dark, male/female, yes/no, keep going, you will see it in every corner of the globe....balance. What makes you think your soul is any different. It depends on you to be true, to love unconditionally, to learn from each experience, to open your mind, trust your instinct & lead with your heart, be the best you can be. You have many mountains to climb, a journey that will wear you down, break you & build you up time & time again. You may rest in the valley, enjoy the view from the top, just don't stop. You will know what is true, trust yourself more than any person. If you can't trust a single soul, at least trust your own. You will know when you find the other half. You will love many times & your soul will know the difference. Take every piece of ecstasy, every single taste, smell, sense you know that lifts you above your body & radiates 'feel good' & put it all together, like samples to lead you towards more. It sounds like something one person couldn't survive, a collision of volcanic proportions. It is not one or the other, it is all. You cannot teach your soul to sing when it already has its own song & when it finds someone who knows that tune it is etched etched in time.
As Catherine shares her story with Weiss, we hear the million voices of women in loveless relationships. Good men, bad men, good people, bad people will come in & out of our lives. You know I know you know (I love that line!) the difference between when your heart sings, your body moves & when you compromise. For some good enough will always be enough, the risk of being alone for all eternity is too great. As the movies you watch to re charge that longing, share the universal story & so do they share our disbelief. Heartbreak, loss, grief, destined to be together, destined to be apart. The tales of superheroes which must live forever without love. Oh for goodness sake people write your own song, direct your own movie. You decide how the story ends. Stop looking for someone else to tell you. Stop sitting back in your armchair admiring the ease to which successful, happy people have it all. Wake up people! Can you honestly understand every drought, flood & strength it takes for a thousand year old incredibly strong, inspiring & gorgeous tree to hold itself so high? Have you witnessed the days nature begged it to break, to bend, to give a little more, of course not. No she held her ground, dug in those roots & she was damn determined she was not going to fall without giving out everything she had. There is no ease to happiness or success. It takes courage, resilience & the freedom to choose the right to be who you are destined to be. The strong, the tall, the courageous, the successful, they earn every right to be where they are. You want, go get it yourself. Love is no different. You want ordinary, then compromise. You want to answer the call, then listen to it's voice.
Your soul knows where it belongs, it takes you there time & time again & you look away. It uses aversion therapy to bring you to the edge of the abyss & to get you to take a good look at what you risk missing. Sometimes we see it & kid ourselves in believing we can take for granted a moment in time, we can have it again. Trust me on this one, sometimes there is such a moment as once in a lifetime. Listen to it, slow down, breathe, in & out, get to know yourself, you more than anyone else should be able to tell your story. When you are ready, the universe will deliver.
So it isn't often you find the story of a human being, a scientifically trained, educated, experienced, scientist, psychiatrist of the Jewish faith who challenges the medical & scientific models when he explores a fascinating story of souls connected, the beauty & passion of the human soul, the ultimate story of love long after death. We long for it, ache for it, drives our passions, brings out the best & worst in us. What is it we are seeking, why do we need it, why is life empty or without balance without it.
Fascinated by human behaviour, excited by a new perspective & amused by those who search to define that which cannot nor will ever be measured, I enjoy the opportunity to read the wisdom of a human being who has discovered this truth, who has been brought to their heart rather than their knees via a process which challenges the fabric of all they have known. Someone who hasn't let religion, status or their profession wrap them in a magic cloak of ignorance, sheltering them from everything else that is outside their scope. Here it is people, the wisdom across all time! You do not know everything, you cannot, will not & therefore you do not have all the answers. You were given a ticket, a ride you are on whether you like it or not. It will have a start & a finish, how you experience the journey is up to you.
I am first a human being, I am a woman among many labels, I am also single; so a bit excited by the prospect that somewhere in the trillions of our population is someone with a soul (which on its own is a miracle) searching for me. The optimist is excited, no longer do I need to be a warrior, leap tall buildings in a single bound, be the first one into battle, do I need to throw myself into every challenge & test after test. I can throw down the sarcasm, the fronts & behinds, somewhere, out there is my balance, we are lost, my soul & I, I can't find it or maybe I didn't recognise it when we crossed paths again in this lifetime & I was too damn pig headed to read the map! That would be the optimist.
Now let the pessimist take a turn. Is this perspective suggesting that like a needle in a haystack, no actually that would be too small, a needle in the ocean, on the bottom of the deepest, darkest, undiscovered part of the ocean may be the key to all we are, the other half of my soul. The soul that sends me into battle, into heartache & tragedy, life after life she looks for you I long for you, never knowing that I never needed to carry that baggage all this time! In each lifetime, like magnets we are entwined. I will only know you when we connect and I must wait. I may have felt your touch, held your hand & not realising the significance or did I, I let it go. You may not even recognise who I am, we may have to do this meeting over many times, across many centuries & still our chances are slim. Yet I am still to believe & I am to hold onto faith, to answer the call whether you find me or not. Am I to now understand, I am the voices of a thousand lost souls & this epiphany is our turning point? You are close & yet still so far!
"There is someone special for everyone...... They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time & the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side of heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them.....You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone. You head may interfere "I do not know you", your heart knows. .......for the first time, and the memory of (the) touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being."
As many of you would know I tap away here in the hope I may spark some interest in one of many books I have started, weed through the insanity of my thoughts, the ramblings of my imagination & put the finishing touches on at least one of these projects before the next life.
Where does it end, where does a soul begin? Do we seek the answers in books we call religion, seek understanding by deities & Gods, for fear of asking ourselves the right questions would be too complex & unbearable. Are the stories we share across cultures & time, our attempt to rationalise that which we can never define. Heaven forbid we would have to trust ourselves, trust our heart, trust our soul to take responsibility; the choices we make would be of our own making & carry the weight of possessing gifts on our own shoulders. There would be an acceptance of not having all the answers, of letting go of the control.
If fate & destiny dictates the meeting of souls, then why look at all, why rush, complain or force it. Why not sit back, enjoy the ride & take in the view. We WILL meet them, they will be there, time & time again across lifetimes. If you do not step outside your safety zone how could you possibly cross paths again. Would it not be best to embrace all life on this planet, to be friend to all, to love unconditionally. With no need to ever fear being unloved, unwanted; knowing we are never alone.
"and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are goose flesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance. He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on."
Yet here we go again, this carriage has too many voices. The ego steps in, the Goddess, the ego & the self go head to head as I turn the pages. I go through hell across centuries, I carry more scars than Frankenstein and then he doesn't know who I am! Come on Dr Weiss, give me more hope. OK the strong, cape flapping women out there, hiding behind our swords & intimidating presence, I'll stand up & face the music, I'll reveal what is known in the secret garden; we all have a little Elspeth Dickens in us. Tired, superwomen, babies tucked under arms, more in the out groups than the in, singing (or blogging or painting, pick your medicine) our way through our lives, losing ourselves in the process . Who wouldn't appreciate a gesture in the form of a community stopped by your other half who happens to look like Ronan Keating (OM gosh sings like him too & wears an awesome apron on its own!) frozen in their froth by the sounds of a whale bellowing from a helicopter like chariot, the sounds of a mate looking for his other half, searching for it (as if my expectations weren't high enough). Is it any wonder on attempting to clear the head whilst digesting the pages of Dr Weiss' discovery & my small attempt at clarifying the most complex of all human desires I was caught off guard by an intense headache, feeling of unwellness & without notice (& thankfully on an empty stomach) brought up the collections of my stomach all over my desk, the PC & my self! Yes I hear the Goddess now "you did say a piece of 4x2 didn't you!".
Thank you Dr Weiss for igniting the faith, rekindling the flame, restoring a little light a while longer. This inner Goddess is tired & worn, this adventure has been more like a primal reality show of warriors reunited. Wherever he is, I guess he is out there, maybe he is lost & he is tired & you've given me if anything an opportunity to expand the mind to consider how a medical professional of your calibre could believe in past life regression then it was worth exploring further.
Who am I & why am I here, is the voice of the soul through time. Will someone love me, hold me, want me, need me, keep me safe or will we carry the weight of a thousand souls & travel this lifetime alone. Is it real, is love real? Can it awaken me, move me, show me a living I'm yet to comprehend? (OK yes I know the good friends out there have already worked out I haven't had enough caffeine, sleep or well maybe chocolate!).
It's time to pull this stage of the journey over to the curb for a nap, a recharge & a little more caffeine. I leave you with Dr Weiss, a little inspiration & for the Goddess & God's within us all, aspire & long for another day - balance, people, it really is as simple as that.
"Destiny can be so delicate. When both recognise each other,
no volcano could erupt with more passion. The energy
released is tremendous. Soul recognition may be immediate.
A sudden feeling of familiarity, of knowing this new person at depths
far beyond what the conscious mind could know. At depths usually
reserved for the most intimate family members. Or even deeper than that.
Intuitively knowing what to say, how they will react. A feeling of safety & a trust
far greater than could be earned in only one day or one week or one month.
Soul recognition may be subtle & slow. A dawning of awareness as the
veil is gently lifted. Not everyone is ready to see right away.
There is a timing at work, and patience may be necessary
for the one who sees first"
Dr B. Weiss
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Who are you & what will it take for you to matter to yourself?
OK, this recurring theme just keeps raising it's head like a leopard seal after a singing penguin; begging to either hit it hard or let it have it's way or just keep running! What will it take people, to get up and start living the life you deserved? The one you dream of in the quiet moments, the busy moments, the moments you run so hard on that pavement you feel the impact of the femur and the femoral head as they grind away with the pelvis.
Why do we do it? Block, cut off, drown out, suppress, whatever you want to call it, busy ourselves instead of sitting with what is and what is right, what moves our soul to sing and dance. Oh that is right, maybe you have forgotten what that is like or worse still you can't recall a moment when your soul moved you to a place above ecstacy other something you digest.
When was the last time you cut loose? Put on your favourite outfit because you just wanted to? When did you tell someone how amazing they are, what they mean to you, how they matter in this world? When did you tell the person you love how you feel to know they live inside your heart? Whilst you are busy worrying about what people will think, is it insane, is it a risk, life is passing you by and so is every person, every event that brings you closer to what you long for.
Some time ago in a rush to get into town and have a few things done, I was asked by my little person what should they wear and of course with being a massive busy person addict, I said wear whatever you like. Have you ever said this to a 5 yr old?
So out comes this radiant beauty of confidence and independence, hot pink leopard print tutu, with a huge tule skirt, black lace up pirate boots, a feather/fluffy jacket and a crown "I'm ready"....Who could not smile at that picture!
On entering Maccas for a quick treat on the way home I was pulled aside by my little person who asked if people were staring and why would they, so I reminded her it was just at how amazing, daring and gorgeous she is..and what was her response "I know".
Oh to be five again, to be brave enough to be emotional & honest with yourself, let alone others; to rip down the walls of bricks and mortar, security and self protection, to reveal our vulnerability, passion and dreams. To take off the masks and reveal the true identity, sheltering in comfort & ease, yet too proud or scared to step outside the safety zone.
What are you so afraid of? What happened on the way to adulthood that stole your bravery, courage and risk taking. Who was it that with a big heeve ho, tossed you behind that brick wall you hide yourself behind, the one who is terrified of letting their heart reveal secrets you agreed to take to the grave; say what needs to be said, be forgiving, understanding, unconditional.
If I said grab some paper and don't start writing until go and write all the questions you've never asked, all the dreams you have, all the desires, passions, thoughts, wishes, things you wish you could do, how much paper would you need? No I'm not talking just about your bucket list (last time I went down that path I opened up a bloody hornets nest & had to remove the post!). There are some out there who believe anyone who needs a bucket list, who desires anything more than what they have right now is selfish, self centred & has major issues with gratitude. Yet to put a flip side on that self righteous notion, aren't you not taking for granted the very life you have been given? What about all the children, adults, people out in the world right now suffering, with moments to live, those who have gone before us with unfinished dreams & desires. I'm sure they would give more than just their opinion to trade your life for the one they no longer have.
Come on people, dig, get out a bulldozer size dig if you have to & dig deep. Why are you locking away your heart? That soul is aching, it is needing you to find that damn key, open that lock and give it wings! You are your dreams, your actions, every foot you put forward, each time you stand still, you give & take, no one else does it for you. Stop passing the buck. He/she does not hold you back, you hold yourself back, life has some big ropes that do their best to hold you down, you are the only person who can break those ties or wind them up until you work it out. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance. You cannot possibly predict how others will react until you give it your best shot.
The thing about behaviour is that whatever you do will affect how someone responds and acts. Shit happens! Yep let's call it what it is & sometimes it comes in a truck, a cup or it drowns you & you nearly suffocate under it. Not everyone can be bothered with thinking before they speak or act & sadly each of us will be the victim of this at some point in our lives. There will be some who know the incredible pain that is inflicted at the hands of another, either by words or their actions. I can't change that for you, I can't even change my own past. What I can do is change my attitude towards it, I can take back the power or I can keep feeding it. I can stay on the floor (where the view is dismal) or get my arse off the floor & keep going. That is my choice. Yep there are rules, we live with them, are governed by them and they attempt to keep us from too much chaos and disorder.
What happens is you get told you can't do something enough, you believe it yourself. Where you believe in the psychoanalytic stuff that underneath all that white matter or weaved in between it are your tape recordings played over & over in your head that will be the foundations of your decision making. Some believe it's as simple as wiring. As a child the lessons we learn are the lessons we keep. Yet let me tell you what makes you a clever smarty pants species is your capacity to change, to make choices, to basically get your crap together. Your past does not define you. Whatever happened, happened & wow did it happen! See it for what it is, take some lessons from it, turn it around in the palm of your hand & take back the power over who you become.
I'm well aware, having seen it in children more than enough, actually probably just as many adults who still believe their voices from childhood. If you are reminded of what you can't do enough, you forget about what are your strengths, you begin to loose sight of them.
If you are hurt often enough, you begin to believe you are not worthy of love. You stop believing in its endless possibilities. You give up, give in, let go, hold on too tight. Your stop adapting & changing & growing, you stop learning. You become bogged down & stuck & just like a vehicle pulled to the side of the road, you've turned the engine off & just watching the rest of the world go by.
When someone lies, deceives and hurts you, you not only stop trusting others, you stop trusting yourself. You stop risk taking, you play it safe, put a few more bricks on that wall and bunker down for life. As the days go by, you build it higher & you become more comfortable there, not sticks & stones going to get over that wall.
I was there, I'm not talking out of my posterior! I held back, put up with and made excuses and they were justifications for playing the same song rather than learn something new. It is far easier to stay in what is than to go what isn't. Fear builds anxiety & the more you feed fear the more anxious you are & nothing triggers fear more than uncertainty. It takes enormous courage & strength to look fear in the face & tell it to get out of your way. Once you do, every step becomes easier & you wonder why you waited so long.
Nothing puts you out there more, builds those biceps & strengthens those butt muscles more than life throwing you back over that wall and you having nothing and I mean nothing to loose. Stop wasting hours in the mirror feeding that uncertainty of who will see you, what will they think, will I be liked, will they laugh; stop listening to all those voices in your head & put on something you love, get comfortable & the right people won't care & those that do won't matter anyway. You realise the people who catch a glimpse of you in your gumboots and favourite lace skirt, hot passionate red lipstick in the daytime, may pass a glance, yet given their minds are so small I bet they won't recall you or that day in 24hrs let alone years from then. If you don't get that stuff off your chest, it will clog up those arteries, it will weigh down that heart and it will anchor the soul in despair. Cut some loose.
Someone once told me not to change to be what others wanted, otherwise as a chameleon it would never stop & you would never know who you were looking at in the mirror, it would scare the crap out of you everyday! Be yourself & those who are attracted to you will stay & linger, those who don't, let them leave. You do not need to impress anyone, you are impressive. There is nothing more exciting, attractive, sexy, than a person who is unique. You don't need to be the edited, photo chopped chick on the front cover of the magazine, you are you, be proud of you, scars & all. Find your own style, find your own words, discover your truth. Be YOU!
What we all strive for, ache for & long for, even if we run from it, even if we try & spend all our time & energy working on that wall & cave we hide in, is our need to connect, to belong to someone, to something bigger than ourselves. If you are not you, if you don't even know who that is, how will anyone else?
I was walking through the shops a few weeks back & came across a couple holding hands. Nothing unusual about it at all. It was just one of those days as a single person, busy, life going not exactly as you plan, that you catch a glimpse of this very large woman, no shoes, piercing in many places I would be reluctant to be pierced & a very thing, no shoes (I think they were pants he was wearing, yet I could see more of his underwear than his trousers) & they were gazing at each other, their hands were locked tight & I was thinking wow, just wow. All the dressing up & dressing down & doing what you think is the right thing to make the right connections is only going to push you further off the radar. Just go out there & be the best you, the authentic you & find someone who wants the real version of you.
What legacy do we pass to our children about life, believing in ourselves, being the best we can be if we are sitting in our comfort zone making excuses? They don't need our permission to be their best, they need us to show them. Do you give up, give in? Do you have a wall? Have you dug yourself into a cave? Do you even know who you are? How can they learn how to believe in themselves if you don't believe in you or for them in that matter.
Put on your gumboots, fairy wings and go to town if you have to!
Dance in the kitchen if the music fills you up. Pick up the phone & even if there is no reason & it scares the hell out of you, tell them you love them, you always have, always will & you don't need anyone to complete you, you are complete & they would be crazy to let you go & if they do....let them. Pick up yourself & put on your big girls pants, favourite lipstick, saddle up & keep going.
I was out the other day at the gym, having a chat with someone who is struggling with their body image and they made a comment that it was "ok" for me as I didn't have to worry about that. Worry no, I don't. I honestly don't care about some fake, plastic image society has conjured up through people who never stop to question why. Yet luck? I'm me because of luck?
It is not luck that drags me up everyday and works damn hard every step of the way, every ache, every injury, every kilometre I have to change my music frequently to keep motivating myself to keep going. At first it was self loathing & punishment, now it is a reward. It was the most empowering decision ever. To cut loose those chains that held me back from every decision, every risk, every dream I had.
"What if....." someone put to me, "What if you went after them (dreams, goals, passions) one by one, have you ever thought about what if you caught one? how different you life could be". What if, like Alice down the rabbit hole, you kept going, with no clue as to what or who was up next. You keep those witts about you, believe in a little magic & hang on tight to that faith! Churchill was spot on, when you get to the end of that rope, tie a knot in it and hang on, swing if you have to!
The obstacles didn't disappear & it was far from easy, yet my attitude had changed, nothing and no one was going to hold me back again. I savor the shaking in my boots stuff for later & I play Clint Eastwood's voice in my head when the going gets tough "go ahead make my day". Like an energy sucker, I absorb that frustration, the judgements, the untruths; I pack it into that childhood luggage & use it to build those biceps, push the hail damage out of those thighs & all the while smile through the fog in my glasses & sweat running down my neck. I changed my affirmations to remind me of the words of a cancer patient, you can take most things from me, yet you will never take my will power, I will hold it tight til the end. This is no battle or war, it's a willingness to accept the things I can change & can't and to do something about those things I can. I'm no perfect body, I'm not even what the media says is a perfect size, I still like pizza & I still love a glass of wine. I love even more to feel good about myself & all the working out, starving myself & matching my image to media generate ones will not do that.
Rules like when to do the dishes, when to mow the lawn, what to wear to town, how I can love, who I can't, who I can forgive, who I should, who I should be, who I shouldn't, these ridiculous rules that others conjure up in the boredom of their own lives, in the hope that if they focus on mine long enough, they won't have to address any of their own. I will be who I choose to be, love who I choose to love, live how I choose to live, I will share my gifts with who I choose to. I will not bow to your socially constructed ignorant pictures of me. I don't need you to tell me who I am, I decide. I don't need you to tell me I'm worthy, I decide. I don't need you make me feel like I matter, I do matter & if you aren't smart enough to see that then how very sad for you to not have someone like me in your life.
It wasn't luck when I was around 35kg heavier and it isn't luck to balance it while juggling a cup that is already overflowing, another degree, a new career and enough moving to consider a life as a gypsy would be easier! It wasn't luck to rip my heart out from that cave I'd stashed it in for safe keeping & preservation until anthropologist discovered it in its immaculate entirety thousand of years from now, what would they learn from an unused heart, slightly worn & tired? I took it out of that box & couldn't be bothered sticking in on my sleeve, plus I had other plans for those biceps, I stuck it right out front, like a target, with a go ahead take your best shot sign! I thought it is now or never & maybe it will be both.
Be careful people, careful you don't assume that smile has not come without effort, pain and a story you only read about. Careful not to over generalise or simplify your friends, people who may be smiling through their sheer determination never to give up. This is not luck, something you toss a coin for or gamble on. You can't bet on life, there are no guarantees. If you don't take the shot you, the opportunity is gone, the wind will change & the conditions along with it & before you know it what once was is now gone.
I can't tell you how to change your life, only you can do that & I wouldn't want to, I'm too busy sorting my own. I can only chat away about what has worked for me, inspire others, challenge myself and keep going forward. I've learned through experiences I wish I'd never had, that life is not easy, it's damn f***ing hard at times, it could be made easier if someone would just put out their hand to you & help you to your feet, yet that doesn't always happen. Oh sure it would be nice to think Mr Disney was onto something; that some great hot looking perfect partner is going to slay dragons for us, has the best looking horse in town & he can ride! Manages to balance a sword & those red roses & sweep you off your feet all in one big magically swoop. I feel nauseated just contemplating it.
Reality is so far different than some chick flick or cartoon you day dream over. We can wish with all our capacity & still need to take a rain check on that & get on with life at times. You need to make your own choices & let others make theirs. As painful as it can be, if someone can't see you for who you are, like Oprah once said, if they aren't prepared to ride the bus with you then they sure as hell don't deserve to ride in your limo.
I've worked in bars, as a secretary, cleaned children's toilets, I've done so many things & adapted so many times I feel tired thinking about it. There are people who stayed for the ride & those who dropped off when I didn't fit their image of who they wanted in their life. Funny thing about that is they tend to pop their heads back up when your income goes up, life changes, you drop a bit of weight. I even had a situation where all went well & we got along like a house on fire until they realised I had tattoos & like a switch connected to their mediocre stereotyped driven brains I was then on the out. I've had guys who are more attracted to whatever image they have in their heads that pushes their buttons than they are with what comes out of my mouth. A friend's husband once told me if I only kept quiet & different have an opinion & definitely don't talk about the ugly work stuff, then I was more likely to stop being single (I'm still single). I was married to someone & in a relationship for nearly 20 years who never once read an assignment, a research piece, not one published article or attended any graduations, yet happy to tell me if my arse looked big in something or it didn't & to recommend what I should wear. What people notice about you tells you more about them than it does about you.
From these lessons & from the loss of major relationships I invested way too much time & are no longer relevant in my life, I found myself. I found I feel just as comfortable in yoga pants as I do in a suit. I talk & I enjoy talking, I enjoy people who talk & I love what everyone has to say, even when it is wrong lol :) I don't need to find a relationship to complete me, I'm complete. If someone comes along that looks at me & sees the sparkle on my face, behind every scar & lesson that has shaped me along the way; someone who takes the time to listen, to appreciate & can be honest then wow I'll look forward to that, yet I don't need it like I need to breathe. I can breathe pretty well on my own.
So what will it take? What do you need to get that key & open up that heart you've tucked away in a safety deposit box. Who are you & what is it going to take for you to matter to yourself enough that you dig deep & take a hammer to that wall, take a tank to it if you have to. What is it going to take for you to come out of that cave & take a look at the view, to find someone to keep you warm, to hold you when you are at your best & worst; when you are sexy & when you need tissues battling the flu. Someone who loves your arse in summer & winter (as we all know winter is a time of comfort food). There is no better time than now to love with all your might, to dance with the freedom of a child oblivious to an audience, sing like you are the finalist for X Factor and love so great, so unconditionally that you don't need it returned, you have enough to give away & still keep going. Let those in who find it & appreciate it. Wave on & wish them well those who don't.
Whatever happened before you, before today is yesterday. You did what you had to do, you survived. You are stronger, more capable & you have learned a few lessons along the way. Now be YOU!
Take a chance on you.
Take a chance on someone else.
Take a chance on something different.
Take a risk & if it doesn't work, do it again & again & again.
You are worth the risk.
Believe in yourself.
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are complete.
I am different, I am worthy, I am worth the risk and I will keep going whether you realise this or not.
Why do we do it? Block, cut off, drown out, suppress, whatever you want to call it, busy ourselves instead of sitting with what is and what is right, what moves our soul to sing and dance. Oh that is right, maybe you have forgotten what that is like or worse still you can't recall a moment when your soul moved you to a place above ecstacy other something you digest.
When was the last time you cut loose? Put on your favourite outfit because you just wanted to? When did you tell someone how amazing they are, what they mean to you, how they matter in this world? When did you tell the person you love how you feel to know they live inside your heart? Whilst you are busy worrying about what people will think, is it insane, is it a risk, life is passing you by and so is every person, every event that brings you closer to what you long for.
So out comes this radiant beauty of confidence and independence, hot pink leopard print tutu, with a huge tule skirt, black lace up pirate boots, a feather/fluffy jacket and a crown "I'm ready"....Who could not smile at that picture!
On entering Maccas for a quick treat on the way home I was pulled aside by my little person who asked if people were staring and why would they, so I reminded her it was just at how amazing, daring and gorgeous she is..and what was her response "I know".
Oh to be five again, to be brave enough to be emotional & honest with yourself, let alone others; to rip down the walls of bricks and mortar, security and self protection, to reveal our vulnerability, passion and dreams. To take off the masks and reveal the true identity, sheltering in comfort & ease, yet too proud or scared to step outside the safety zone.
What are you so afraid of? What happened on the way to adulthood that stole your bravery, courage and risk taking. Who was it that with a big heeve ho, tossed you behind that brick wall you hide yourself behind, the one who is terrified of letting their heart reveal secrets you agreed to take to the grave; say what needs to be said, be forgiving, understanding, unconditional.
If I said grab some paper and don't start writing until go and write all the questions you've never asked, all the dreams you have, all the desires, passions, thoughts, wishes, things you wish you could do, how much paper would you need? No I'm not talking just about your bucket list (last time I went down that path I opened up a bloody hornets nest & had to remove the post!). There are some out there who believe anyone who needs a bucket list, who desires anything more than what they have right now is selfish, self centred & has major issues with gratitude. Yet to put a flip side on that self righteous notion, aren't you not taking for granted the very life you have been given? What about all the children, adults, people out in the world right now suffering, with moments to live, those who have gone before us with unfinished dreams & desires. I'm sure they would give more than just their opinion to trade your life for the one they no longer have.
Come on people, dig, get out a bulldozer size dig if you have to & dig deep. Why are you locking away your heart? That soul is aching, it is needing you to find that damn key, open that lock and give it wings! You are your dreams, your actions, every foot you put forward, each time you stand still, you give & take, no one else does it for you. Stop passing the buck. He/she does not hold you back, you hold yourself back, life has some big ropes that do their best to hold you down, you are the only person who can break those ties or wind them up until you work it out. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance. You cannot possibly predict how others will react until you give it your best shot.
The thing about behaviour is that whatever you do will affect how someone responds and acts. Shit happens! Yep let's call it what it is & sometimes it comes in a truck, a cup or it drowns you & you nearly suffocate under it. Not everyone can be bothered with thinking before they speak or act & sadly each of us will be the victim of this at some point in our lives. There will be some who know the incredible pain that is inflicted at the hands of another, either by words or their actions. I can't change that for you, I can't even change my own past. What I can do is change my attitude towards it, I can take back the power or I can keep feeding it. I can stay on the floor (where the view is dismal) or get my arse off the floor & keep going. That is my choice. Yep there are rules, we live with them, are governed by them and they attempt to keep us from too much chaos and disorder.
What happens is you get told you can't do something enough, you believe it yourself. Where you believe in the psychoanalytic stuff that underneath all that white matter or weaved in between it are your tape recordings played over & over in your head that will be the foundations of your decision making. Some believe it's as simple as wiring. As a child the lessons we learn are the lessons we keep. Yet let me tell you what makes you a clever smarty pants species is your capacity to change, to make choices, to basically get your crap together. Your past does not define you. Whatever happened, happened & wow did it happen! See it for what it is, take some lessons from it, turn it around in the palm of your hand & take back the power over who you become.
I'm well aware, having seen it in children more than enough, actually probably just as many adults who still believe their voices from childhood. If you are reminded of what you can't do enough, you forget about what are your strengths, you begin to loose sight of them.
If you are hurt often enough, you begin to believe you are not worthy of love. You stop believing in its endless possibilities. You give up, give in, let go, hold on too tight. Your stop adapting & changing & growing, you stop learning. You become bogged down & stuck & just like a vehicle pulled to the side of the road, you've turned the engine off & just watching the rest of the world go by.
When someone lies, deceives and hurts you, you not only stop trusting others, you stop trusting yourself. You stop risk taking, you play it safe, put a few more bricks on that wall and bunker down for life. As the days go by, you build it higher & you become more comfortable there, not sticks & stones going to get over that wall.
I was there, I'm not talking out of my posterior! I held back, put up with and made excuses and they were justifications for playing the same song rather than learn something new. It is far easier to stay in what is than to go what isn't. Fear builds anxiety & the more you feed fear the more anxious you are & nothing triggers fear more than uncertainty. It takes enormous courage & strength to look fear in the face & tell it to get out of your way. Once you do, every step becomes easier & you wonder why you waited so long.
Nothing puts you out there more, builds those biceps & strengthens those butt muscles more than life throwing you back over that wall and you having nothing and I mean nothing to loose. Stop wasting hours in the mirror feeding that uncertainty of who will see you, what will they think, will I be liked, will they laugh; stop listening to all those voices in your head & put on something you love, get comfortable & the right people won't care & those that do won't matter anyway. You realise the people who catch a glimpse of you in your gumboots and favourite lace skirt, hot passionate red lipstick in the daytime, may pass a glance, yet given their minds are so small I bet they won't recall you or that day in 24hrs let alone years from then. If you don't get that stuff off your chest, it will clog up those arteries, it will weigh down that heart and it will anchor the soul in despair. Cut some loose.
Someone once told me not to change to be what others wanted, otherwise as a chameleon it would never stop & you would never know who you were looking at in the mirror, it would scare the crap out of you everyday! Be yourself & those who are attracted to you will stay & linger, those who don't, let them leave. You do not need to impress anyone, you are impressive. There is nothing more exciting, attractive, sexy, than a person who is unique. You don't need to be the edited, photo chopped chick on the front cover of the magazine, you are you, be proud of you, scars & all. Find your own style, find your own words, discover your truth. Be YOU!
What we all strive for, ache for & long for, even if we run from it, even if we try & spend all our time & energy working on that wall & cave we hide in, is our need to connect, to belong to someone, to something bigger than ourselves. If you are not you, if you don't even know who that is, how will anyone else?
I was walking through the shops a few weeks back & came across a couple holding hands. Nothing unusual about it at all. It was just one of those days as a single person, busy, life going not exactly as you plan, that you catch a glimpse of this very large woman, no shoes, piercing in many places I would be reluctant to be pierced & a very thing, no shoes (I think they were pants he was wearing, yet I could see more of his underwear than his trousers) & they were gazing at each other, their hands were locked tight & I was thinking wow, just wow. All the dressing up & dressing down & doing what you think is the right thing to make the right connections is only going to push you further off the radar. Just go out there & be the best you, the authentic you & find someone who wants the real version of you.
What legacy do we pass to our children about life, believing in ourselves, being the best we can be if we are sitting in our comfort zone making excuses? They don't need our permission to be their best, they need us to show them. Do you give up, give in? Do you have a wall? Have you dug yourself into a cave? Do you even know who you are? How can they learn how to believe in themselves if you don't believe in you or for them in that matter.
Put on your gumboots, fairy wings and go to town if you have to!
Dance in the kitchen if the music fills you up. Pick up the phone & even if there is no reason & it scares the hell out of you, tell them you love them, you always have, always will & you don't need anyone to complete you, you are complete & they would be crazy to let you go & if they do....let them. Pick up yourself & put on your big girls pants, favourite lipstick, saddle up & keep going.
I was out the other day at the gym, having a chat with someone who is struggling with their body image and they made a comment that it was "ok" for me as I didn't have to worry about that. Worry no, I don't. I honestly don't care about some fake, plastic image society has conjured up through people who never stop to question why. Yet luck? I'm me because of luck?
It is not luck that drags me up everyday and works damn hard every step of the way, every ache, every injury, every kilometre I have to change my music frequently to keep motivating myself to keep going. At first it was self loathing & punishment, now it is a reward. It was the most empowering decision ever. To cut loose those chains that held me back from every decision, every risk, every dream I had.
"What if....." someone put to me, "What if you went after them (dreams, goals, passions) one by one, have you ever thought about what if you caught one? how different you life could be". What if, like Alice down the rabbit hole, you kept going, with no clue as to what or who was up next. You keep those witts about you, believe in a little magic & hang on tight to that faith! Churchill was spot on, when you get to the end of that rope, tie a knot in it and hang on, swing if you have to!
The obstacles didn't disappear & it was far from easy, yet my attitude had changed, nothing and no one was going to hold me back again. I savor the shaking in my boots stuff for later & I play Clint Eastwood's voice in my head when the going gets tough "go ahead make my day". Like an energy sucker, I absorb that frustration, the judgements, the untruths; I pack it into that childhood luggage & use it to build those biceps, push the hail damage out of those thighs & all the while smile through the fog in my glasses & sweat running down my neck. I changed my affirmations to remind me of the words of a cancer patient, you can take most things from me, yet you will never take my will power, I will hold it tight til the end. This is no battle or war, it's a willingness to accept the things I can change & can't and to do something about those things I can. I'm no perfect body, I'm not even what the media says is a perfect size, I still like pizza & I still love a glass of wine. I love even more to feel good about myself & all the working out, starving myself & matching my image to media generate ones will not do that.
Rules like when to do the dishes, when to mow the lawn, what to wear to town, how I can love, who I can't, who I can forgive, who I should, who I should be, who I shouldn't, these ridiculous rules that others conjure up in the boredom of their own lives, in the hope that if they focus on mine long enough, they won't have to address any of their own. I will be who I choose to be, love who I choose to love, live how I choose to live, I will share my gifts with who I choose to. I will not bow to your socially constructed ignorant pictures of me. I don't need you to tell me who I am, I decide. I don't need you to tell me I'm worthy, I decide. I don't need you make me feel like I matter, I do matter & if you aren't smart enough to see that then how very sad for you to not have someone like me in your life.
It wasn't luck when I was around 35kg heavier and it isn't luck to balance it while juggling a cup that is already overflowing, another degree, a new career and enough moving to consider a life as a gypsy would be easier! It wasn't luck to rip my heart out from that cave I'd stashed it in for safe keeping & preservation until anthropologist discovered it in its immaculate entirety thousand of years from now, what would they learn from an unused heart, slightly worn & tired? I took it out of that box & couldn't be bothered sticking in on my sleeve, plus I had other plans for those biceps, I stuck it right out front, like a target, with a go ahead take your best shot sign! I thought it is now or never & maybe it will be both.
Be careful people, careful you don't assume that smile has not come without effort, pain and a story you only read about. Careful not to over generalise or simplify your friends, people who may be smiling through their sheer determination never to give up. This is not luck, something you toss a coin for or gamble on. You can't bet on life, there are no guarantees. If you don't take the shot you, the opportunity is gone, the wind will change & the conditions along with it & before you know it what once was is now gone.
I can't tell you how to change your life, only you can do that & I wouldn't want to, I'm too busy sorting my own. I can only chat away about what has worked for me, inspire others, challenge myself and keep going forward. I've learned through experiences I wish I'd never had, that life is not easy, it's damn f***ing hard at times, it could be made easier if someone would just put out their hand to you & help you to your feet, yet that doesn't always happen. Oh sure it would be nice to think Mr Disney was onto something; that some great hot looking perfect partner is going to slay dragons for us, has the best looking horse in town & he can ride! Manages to balance a sword & those red roses & sweep you off your feet all in one big magically swoop. I feel nauseated just contemplating it.
Reality is so far different than some chick flick or cartoon you day dream over. We can wish with all our capacity & still need to take a rain check on that & get on with life at times. You need to make your own choices & let others make theirs. As painful as it can be, if someone can't see you for who you are, like Oprah once said, if they aren't prepared to ride the bus with you then they sure as hell don't deserve to ride in your limo.
I've worked in bars, as a secretary, cleaned children's toilets, I've done so many things & adapted so many times I feel tired thinking about it. There are people who stayed for the ride & those who dropped off when I didn't fit their image of who they wanted in their life. Funny thing about that is they tend to pop their heads back up when your income goes up, life changes, you drop a bit of weight. I even had a situation where all went well & we got along like a house on fire until they realised I had tattoos & like a switch connected to their mediocre stereotyped driven brains I was then on the out. I've had guys who are more attracted to whatever image they have in their heads that pushes their buttons than they are with what comes out of my mouth. A friend's husband once told me if I only kept quiet & different have an opinion & definitely don't talk about the ugly work stuff, then I was more likely to stop being single (I'm still single). I was married to someone & in a relationship for nearly 20 years who never once read an assignment, a research piece, not one published article or attended any graduations, yet happy to tell me if my arse looked big in something or it didn't & to recommend what I should wear. What people notice about you tells you more about them than it does about you.
From these lessons & from the loss of major relationships I invested way too much time & are no longer relevant in my life, I found myself. I found I feel just as comfortable in yoga pants as I do in a suit. I talk & I enjoy talking, I enjoy people who talk & I love what everyone has to say, even when it is wrong lol :) I don't need to find a relationship to complete me, I'm complete. If someone comes along that looks at me & sees the sparkle on my face, behind every scar & lesson that has shaped me along the way; someone who takes the time to listen, to appreciate & can be honest then wow I'll look forward to that, yet I don't need it like I need to breathe. I can breathe pretty well on my own.
So what will it take? What do you need to get that key & open up that heart you've tucked away in a safety deposit box. Who are you & what is it going to take for you to matter to yourself enough that you dig deep & take a hammer to that wall, take a tank to it if you have to. What is it going to take for you to come out of that cave & take a look at the view, to find someone to keep you warm, to hold you when you are at your best & worst; when you are sexy & when you need tissues battling the flu. Someone who loves your arse in summer & winter (as we all know winter is a time of comfort food). There is no better time than now to love with all your might, to dance with the freedom of a child oblivious to an audience, sing like you are the finalist for X Factor and love so great, so unconditionally that you don't need it returned, you have enough to give away & still keep going. Let those in who find it & appreciate it. Wave on & wish them well those who don't.
Whatever happened before you, before today is yesterday. You did what you had to do, you survived. You are stronger, more capable & you have learned a few lessons along the way. Now be YOU!
Take a chance on you.
Take a chance on someone else.
Take a chance on something different.
Take a risk & if it doesn't work, do it again & again & again.
You are worth the risk.
Believe in yourself.
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are complete.
I am different, I am worthy, I am worth the risk and I will keep going whether you realise this or not.
Now where is that lycra & those boots!
Namaste xoxo
Namaste xoxo
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