Sunday, November 9, 2014

A woman of worth

The more I see in others, the less I want, the more I know myself; who I am, why I am & where I am going, the girl I was, the woman I became, the woman I am worth.

I am not the girl in the bar, on the corner begging you to stay, to come home; to change my light bulbs or mow my lawn. I won’t chase you til you stay. When I run it’s to clear & nurture my body. I won’t need your brawn or your intellect, I have my own & I use it. I won’t need to pack it into storage when your insecurities are challenged. I am worth listening to without preconceived answers & ending my sentences.

I am the woman of all those before me; those who died for love, starved & beaten to meet your needs, we learned & we adapted. I changed, I grew from the girl I was to the woman I became & yet to be.

I won’t need you to run my errands, steer my car, show me the way; I’ll enjoy your strength & self assurance, your interests & honesty. I have few needs or wants, only your courage to be truthful, ability to be the man among the boys who are too busy drinking away their self worth. I am not a joke at parties or the poor excuse for cheap humor. I am worth more.

I am not the woman you cut your dating teeth on, your accessory or late night ride. You can see me as an equal, more than a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, and your piece of something or not see me at all. I won’t stay while you vent your immaturity on my patience. I won’t wait for wounds to heal so you can re open them each time you fear yourself more than you fear me leaving.

I am worth growing up for, growing old with. I am worth more than your past failures, the one who walked away. I am not your trust issues or a little girl with a little boy. I am my own person; I’ll give what I receive. I’ll hurt and I’ll repair. I’ll let go & walk on, I'll go so far that we may never cross paths again. I won’t stay without respect, I won’t thrive without love. If I am to be all of me, then you are to be all of you, there is no other balance worth staying for.

I am not a perfect body, I am not perfect. I am moving forward with the lessons I have learned, I am putting one foot in front of the other. You can choose to walk beside me or fall behind. I am creative & a thinker, I ask hard questions. I am different, I am weird & amazing. I am not the girl next door or the one you wish you had. If you are going to fight for me, then fight your inner demons, grow into your manhood & treat me in the manner I deserve. 

If you can stand in your vulnerability & in the absence of all the answers, if you can be turned on by my conversation as much as my nakedness, then I will never leave you. I will hold you in my soul as we travel millions of miles apart & in my arms when you feel for the first time the pattern & history that has shaped you.  

I will grow old, I will change and I will never be the same as the days pass. I will change with you & for you. When you step up, you will find me there waiting. I am worth staying for, worth more than finding better. I am the arms that hold you long enough that all your fears disappear; I am the smile in a distance that feels like coming home. I am worth respect, worth persistence, worth long drives & tired mornings.

I am more than my boobs or my booty, my curves and 5 minutes of pleasure. I enjoy your touch as much as you will want mine. I don’t just meet needs, I have my own. I am not the pool you dip your toe in to check the temperature. I am the deep end. I am worth the longest dive without ever knowing if you can touch the bottom. I am the risky swing from a lakeside rope & throwing your whole self in without a second thought & ever having the certainty of what lies beneath.

I am worth my every achievement, my moments; birthday, special occasions & effort to celebrate, time to remember, my choices & style. I won’t dress to please you unless it moves me as much as you, I’ll give more than you imagined possible when you give more than you receive. I am worth my tears & imperfections, my struggles & the mountains I climb. 

I am not the mother you wish you had, the family you didn’t stay for. I am the woman you dreamed may never exist. I am worth holding doors for, taking midnight turns with children for. I am worth my passions, ideas & goals. I don’t need a man I roll over to avoid, to close my eyes & wish I was anywhere than beside him. I want to close my eyes & gasp another breathe through ecstasy & joy before I’d stay for someone I can't bear to see.

I don’t do expectations, I do showing up, staying & commitment. I don’t do small talk, insignificant banter. I care about what goes on in your life, my life & the big picture. I am worth the friendship before the lust, I am worth the wait before the rush; I am worth the effort to ask how to make this work rather than ease of letting go.

I am all the women before me, their wildest imaginations & bravest days. I am never going to be who I was; I will be growing as fast as I learn. I don’t need you, I will want you, every part of you & want you to stay, to hold my hand, to keep me warm & love me despite our differences. I am the other half of the soul you went looking for in material possessions, in careers & healthy bank accounts.

I am not fake, yet I am flawed. What I want will only matter if you are he. I would walk bare feet on cactus to keep you safe, to meet you one more time, to stay by your side until your last breathe, to bring you to the best you can be, to never feel alone. I am the fire in your heart that never goes cold. I am worth putting down your boyish self doubt and uncertainties, worth stepping up and holding on, worth more than your imagination can dream up, more than a childish fetish, a whim. I am not a fix to fill, a drug to surrender to, I won’t be smothered or taken for granted.

I don't need to feel put down, shut out or pulled apart. I want the one who sees control is only needed in the self and anything else is an attempt to make me the woman I never was, cannot be & never will. Everything about me is who I am. I dance to my own rhythm, sing to my own tune; anything else will hold me back from dancing at all, creates the silence that lingers between us. I cannot be the love of your life if you take the life from me. I am worth holding on & also letting go, in knowing I will want you one thousand times more when I have the freedom to be wholehearted; when I can laugh & cry & reach for the stars knowing I will always return from every journey without you & you will be there as if we were two souls from another life, never apart.

I will go with you to places neither have ever been & our senses will forever be changed. I will listen when everyone else has closed their ears, I will see in you the things you refuse to see yourself, want you to be the person you always thought you could be & stay beside you, when the sea is rough, as you learn to adjust the sails, if you know my worth.

If you can bare me at my deepest hours, when I’m drained and I am weak. If you can see my beauty within the tired eyes, endless days, the long hours to be the best mother I can be. If you can see me at my worst and still hold me when it’s not my finest hour, if you feel me in your bones when we’re apart; if holding me in your heart doesn't require keeping me tied to your side; If you understand that love isn't an anchor or a heavy chain & can love me for who I am not who you need me to be, all of me, the bits you love the most & the parts I do, I will love you until our days are no more.

Our greatest lesson in life is realising if we can dream it, we can do it. If we are wanting, then we must be that which we desire. That no one leaves us, we let them go, we are the sum of all our choices, our indecision, our thoughts & our actions. We do not need permission to love & those that require it neither have our best interest at heart or understand who we are. We must be the person we are seeking, the women we are worth. Everything is there for the taking if we only accept that which we think we deserve, if we know what we are worth &  we accept nothing less. 

I am worth everything you've experienced before you, I am the sense, the clarity from all that seemed blurred, I make your universe want to last forever. I will want you with every part of my being, the man who knows my worth.

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