Books have this way of finding me, in random stores in remote places, 2nd hand, new, the corners of libraries & to be honest I've never liked maps. I figured after my first experience with a GPS when my temptation was to speak back & I wanted to hurl it out the window, being told where to go & how to get there was something I had to work on. Ah the universe & her wisdom, a book is less confrontational, a piece of art more reflective & a gentle nudge, the decision to turn their pages, tuck them in my bag & curl up in bed when all is quiet, absorb the lesson is entirely mine.
Open to such a moment, waiting on yet another fax, a book caught my eye on the 'someone just returned me shelf; who could resist the title 'Only love is real'. First the smirk, then the schema 'yeah right' & then the question to the sarcastic self, "so how do we measure love Dr Weiss"....mmm interesting a doctor writing on love being a tangible living, breathing, hold in your hand, transcend time thing! Can we cut it out, stitch it up, attach it when it's missing & such a little book how could it possibly stand up to all these questions. Flip the back over & browse the comments....mmm more MD's. "Finding & reunited with your soul mate will bring you to profound bliss & happiness, safe in the knowledge that you are together always to the end of time"....Ah....bliss & happiness, what I've always wanted! (Yes I'm still being sarcastic). More doubting thoughts with the speed of lightening challenge the Goddess within; who whips out a response & orders them to sit down & shut the hell up. Come on we are 40 something (maybe a bit more but let's not get too honest here), single & it's been a while. At times we think passion is something that grows wild on the back fence! So what could it hurt to read the sign post? OK get out the card & grab the book, faxing done.
(A) "God may be in the details,
but the Goddess is in the questions.
Once we begin to ask them,
there's no turning back."
- Gloria Steinem
Being one always up for a good debate on what is & isn't real I couldn't resist Dr Brian Weiss' interesting perspective on two souls connected through time. Not just any time, not this time, or the last time, all time. It's not like this is a new concept, from movies to music, it would seem we long for a depth of connection no science can define, industries thrive on our search to understand the inner voice. Maslow suggests our foundations lay in the concrete of our innate need to connect. We can try to run from it, hide from it, beat the crap out of it, as human beings we need to love & feel loved. It would appear if you miss the boat in those critical years your soul aches for the attachment; searching high & low, with no map in hand, seeking out that critical connection which puts the yin in your yang. With no 'all seeing eye' to guide your way.
Only the self knows the true nature of it's longing; no one can define it for you, mould it, buy it or hand it over. It has to be you. Something greater than us all connects the dots. The true self, the real self, the you behind the wall & buried deep self. You, naked, raw, scars & complete you. You are not a God or Goddess, yet. Our purpose is to strive to their status, to do better, be better & keep going. We each carry them within. Think about it; if we can carry a billion codes of genetic proportion to shape the colour of our eyes, our skin, the structure of our teeth, the freckles & whether we will need to always pull the car seat forward or not, why then is it so hard to conceive we carry the memories, the passion, the soul of those before us. Don't go attacking this like an analyst on a PlayStation, you cannot fulfill the picture by joining 2. to 50. You need to follow the path. Sometimes we get lost, we meet lots of people along the way. Like Alice down the rabbit hole we long for a little magic on our way home, there is a temptation to detour too often, to mistaken lust for love & attempt to fill the void with whoever & whatever we can find when we are overwhelmed with loneliness & longing, when the searching is unbearable.
Suck it up people! You can get another job, buy another house, save a bit longer; do you really need to spend more time on the mundane & less on your souls purpose? So you loved once or love many, nothing is lost on the journey. It can take a while for the soul to wear in the new body, especially when it is challenged daily by an ego the size of the universe. What could be more relevant to you, more meaningful & life changing than to listen to your calling, to be the best you can be. What if you discover not only do you have a soul (no it doesn't have a picture, a program or a map), a bit like Hancock or Jane Foster, it longs for it's other half, it searches for your balance. Yet at the end of all days, whatever floats your boat, just don't go blaming a God or a parent, a wrong turn you took because in your last breathe you realise all those critical moments you could have done things differently, the should have, could have, would have. There is always an end. It will be time for your soul to go to the next life & your poor soul, battered & bruised with no result may hope for a light bulb moment way before the last rites next time it decides to inhabit the shell of a human being.
It's crazy, insane even, I know this to be true. The wildest dreamers of history remain the most influential. It is the passionate, the visionary wanderers who know in the depth of those souls, a dream is not a dream unless it's big. Don't get caught up in the mundane, in worrying about ques, waiting & appointments, someone cut you off, you haven't got time, you want more. Cut the crap people, get real with yourself. Everything you need for this adventure is right there inside you. What you need is not on any map, you can't search to the heavens & you still won't find the voice you are seeking.
This is truly the Indiana Jones of all lifetime adventures. Your life, this life, have you ever wondered about that box inside, the one which stores the memories, the passion, the quiet voice inside you that you desperately need to be slapped with at times using a piece of 4x2 to let you know you took the wrong turn! Wake up inner God & Goddess! You can't find it in a new house, a new kitchen, a new car, collecting, hoarding or baking. Go ahead keep busy so you don't have to take this journey. Sit down & throw your hands up in a tanty, it's a choice. It serves no one & least of all you. Your sitting quiet, blaming others, wanting more will not bring you closer. You are not in control, there is no control. You cannot live your souls purpose through your children, your family or your friends. There are choices, times for change & direction. Like a winding maze listening to the beat of a heart, the glow of a light, you can choose to follow the sounds, the sign posts or go your own way. The message here seems to be clear, you can open yourself up to everyone amazing life changing experience or do things your way. You can't replace it, make it or find it. Your soul isn't at a clearance sale. It was there long before those cells started to divide & divide & divide to make way for that body you punish in search of what you already HAVE!. It has chosen you, it has faith you can do this & like all that exists even our soul requires balance.
Look around us, light/dark, male/female, yes/no, keep going, you will see it in every corner of the globe....balance. What makes you think your soul is any different. It depends on you to be true, to love unconditionally, to learn from each experience, to open your mind, trust your instinct & lead with your heart, be the best you can be. You have many mountains to climb, a journey that will wear you down, break you & build you up time & time again. You may rest in the valley, enjoy the view from the top, just don't stop. You will know what is true, trust yourself more than any person. If you can't trust a single soul, at least trust your own. You will know when you find the other half. You will love many times & your soul will know the difference. Take every piece of ecstasy, every single taste, smell, sense you know that lifts you above your body & radiates 'feel good' & put it all together, like samples to lead you towards more. It sounds like something one person couldn't survive, a collision of volcanic proportions. It is not one or the other, it is all. You cannot teach your soul to sing when it already has its own song & when it finds someone who knows that tune it is etched etched in time.
As Catherine shares her story with Weiss, we hear the million voices of women in loveless relationships. Good men, bad men, good people, bad people will come in & out of our lives. You know I know you know (I love that line!) the difference between when your heart sings, your body moves & when you compromise. For some good enough will always be enough, the risk of being alone for all eternity is too great. As the movies you watch to re charge that longing, share the universal story & so do they share our disbelief. Heartbreak, loss, grief, destined to be together, destined to be apart. The tales of superheroes which must live forever without love. Oh for goodness sake people write your own song, direct your own movie. You decide how the story ends. Stop looking for someone else to tell you. Stop sitting back in your armchair admiring the ease to which successful, happy people have it all. Wake up people! Can you honestly understand every drought, flood & strength it takes for a thousand year old incredibly strong, inspiring & gorgeous tree to hold itself so high? Have you witnessed the days nature begged it to break, to bend, to give a little more, of course not. No she held her ground, dug in those roots & she was damn determined she was not going to fall without giving out everything she had. There is no ease to happiness or success. It takes courage, resilience & the freedom to choose the right to be who you are destined to be. The strong, the tall, the courageous, the successful, they earn every right to be where they are. You want, go get it yourself. Love is no different. You want ordinary, then compromise. You want to answer the call, then listen to it's voice.
Your soul knows where it belongs, it takes you there time & time again & you look away. It uses aversion therapy to bring you to the edge of the abyss & to get you to take a good look at what you risk missing. Sometimes we see it & kid ourselves in believing we can take for granted a moment in time, we can have it again. Trust me on this one, sometimes there is such a moment as once in a lifetime. Listen to it, slow down, breathe, in & out, get to know yourself, you more than anyone else should be able to tell your story. When you are ready, the universe will deliver.
So it isn't often you find the story of a human being, a scientifically trained, educated, experienced, scientist, psychiatrist of the Jewish faith who challenges the medical & scientific models when he explores a fascinating story of souls connected, the beauty & passion of the human soul, the ultimate story of love long after death. We long for it, ache for it, drives our passions, brings out the best & worst in us. What is it we are seeking, why do we need it, why is life empty or without balance without it.
Fascinated by human behaviour, excited by a new perspective & amused by those who search to define that which cannot nor will ever be measured, I enjoy the opportunity to read the wisdom of a human being who has discovered this truth, who has been brought to their heart rather than their knees via a process which challenges the fabric of all they have known. Someone who hasn't let religion, status or their profession wrap them in a magic cloak of ignorance, sheltering them from everything else that is outside their scope. Here it is people, the wisdom across all time! You do not know everything, you cannot, will not & therefore you do not have all the answers. You were given a ticket, a ride you are on whether you like it or not. It will have a start & a finish, how you experience the journey is up to you.
I am first a human being, I am a woman among many labels, I am also single; so a bit excited by the prospect that somewhere in the trillions of our population is someone with a soul (which on its own is a miracle) searching for me. The optimist is excited, no longer do I need to be a warrior, leap tall buildings in a single bound, be the first one into battle, do I need to throw myself into every challenge & test after test. I can throw down the sarcasm, the fronts & behinds, somewhere, out there is my balance, we are lost, my soul & I, I can't find it or maybe I didn't recognise it when we crossed paths again in this lifetime & I was too damn pig headed to read the map! That would be the optimist.
Now let the pessimist take a turn. Is this perspective suggesting that like a needle in a haystack, no actually that would be too small, a needle in the ocean, on the bottom of the deepest, darkest, undiscovered part of the ocean may be the key to all we are, the other half of my soul. The soul that sends me into battle, into heartache & tragedy, life after life she looks for you I long for you, never knowing that I never needed to carry that baggage all this time! In each lifetime, like magnets we are entwined. I will only know you when we connect and I must wait. I may have felt your touch, held your hand & not realising the significance or did I, I let it go. You may not even recognise who I am, we may have to do this meeting over many times, across many centuries & still our chances are slim. Yet I am still to believe & I am to hold onto faith, to answer the call whether you find me or not. Am I to now understand, I am the voices of a thousand lost souls & this epiphany is our turning point? You are close & yet still so far!
"There is someone special for everyone...... They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time & the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side of heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them.....You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone. You head may interfere "I do not know you", your heart knows. .......for the first time, and the memory of (the) touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being."
As many of you would know I tap away here in the hope I may spark some interest in one of many books I have started, weed through the insanity of my thoughts, the ramblings of my imagination & put the finishing touches on at least one of these projects before the next life.
Where does it end, where does a soul begin? Do we seek the answers in books we call religion, seek understanding by deities & Gods, for fear of asking ourselves the right questions would be too complex & unbearable. Are the stories we share across cultures & time, our attempt to rationalise that which we can never define. Heaven forbid we would have to trust ourselves, trust our heart, trust our soul to take responsibility; the choices we make would be of our own making & carry the weight of possessing gifts on our own shoulders. There would be an acceptance of not having all the answers, of letting go of the control.
If fate & destiny dictates the meeting of souls, then why look at all, why rush, complain or force it. Why not sit back, enjoy the ride & take in the view. We WILL meet them, they will be there, time & time again across lifetimes. If you do not step outside your safety zone how could you possibly cross paths again. Would it not be best to embrace all life on this planet, to be friend to all, to love unconditionally. With no need to ever fear being unloved, unwanted; knowing we are never alone.
"and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are goose flesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance. He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on."
Yet here we go again, this carriage has too many voices. The ego steps in, the Goddess, the ego & the self go head to head as I turn the pages. I go through hell across centuries, I carry more scars than Frankenstein and then he doesn't know who I am! Come on Dr Weiss, give me more hope. OK the strong, cape flapping women out there, hiding behind our swords & intimidating presence, I'll stand up & face the music, I'll reveal what is known in the secret garden; we all have a little Elspeth Dickens in us. Tired, superwomen, babies tucked under arms, more in the out groups than the in, singing (or blogging or painting, pick your medicine) our way through our lives, losing ourselves in the process . Who wouldn't appreciate a gesture in the form of a community stopped by your other half who happens to look like Ronan Keating (OM gosh sings like him too & wears an awesome apron on its own!) frozen in their froth by the sounds of a whale bellowing from a helicopter like chariot, the sounds of a mate looking for his other half, searching for it (as if my expectations weren't high enough). Is it any wonder on attempting to clear the head whilst digesting the pages of Dr Weiss' discovery & my small attempt at clarifying the most complex of all human desires I was caught off guard by an intense headache, feeling of unwellness & without notice (& thankfully on an empty stomach) brought up the collections of my stomach all over my desk, the PC & my self! Yes I hear the Goddess now "you did say a piece of 4x2 didn't you!".
Thank you Dr Weiss for igniting the faith, rekindling the flame, restoring a little light a while longer. This inner Goddess is tired & worn, this adventure has been more like a primal reality show of warriors reunited. Wherever he is, I guess he is out there, maybe he is lost & he is tired & you've given me if anything an opportunity to expand the mind to consider how a medical professional of your calibre could believe in past life regression then it was worth exploring further.
Who am I & why am I here, is the voice of the soul through time. Will someone love me, hold me, want me, need me, keep me safe or will we carry the weight of a thousand souls & travel this lifetime alone. Is it real, is love real? Can it awaken me, move me, show me a living I'm yet to comprehend? (OK yes I know the good friends out there have already worked out I haven't had enough caffeine, sleep or well maybe chocolate!).
It's time to pull this stage of the journey over to the curb for a nap, a recharge & a little more caffeine. I leave you with Dr Weiss, a little inspiration & for the Goddess & God's within us all, aspire & long for another day - balance, people, it really is as simple as that.
"Destiny can be so delicate. When both recognise each other,
no volcano could erupt with more passion. The energy
released is tremendous. Soul recognition may be immediate.
A sudden feeling of familiarity, of knowing this new person at depths
far beyond what the conscious mind could know. At depths usually
reserved for the most intimate family members. Or even deeper than that.
Intuitively knowing what to say, how they will react. A feeling of safety & a trust
far greater than could be earned in only one day or one week or one month.
Soul recognition may be subtle & slow. A dawning of awareness as the
veil is gently lifted. Not everyone is ready to see right away.
There is a timing at work, and patience may be necessary
for the one who sees first"
Dr B. Weiss