Fields of Gold

Being haunted by the mesmorising voice of Eva Cassidy this morning, I had forgotten how some songs take you to places you had long placed in the box & locked away "many years have passed, since those summer days". Music has this way of igniting the soul to push harder than you thought possible, to motivate, inspire, take our hearts with both hands & squeeze it gently one beat after the other until we are remindered how to breathe on our own again. 
If you let the small moments, the synchronicity of timely reminders to enter your mind, you too can teach yourself to absorb each lesson, whether it be a timely song, a rainbow on a cloudy day, the right person at the right time, the name on a number plate just at the same moment you think of someone who hasn't crossed your mind in too long; without trying to over analyse why this has happened & why now, just that it has & allow your soul to drift with its flow & embrace its meaning.
The Dr kruszelnicki's of our world would have you deconstruct the reality & assure you such powers of persuasion, the mind's ability to manifest it's own reality, to think about something often enough you can make it happen, is just not possible. How then do we explain the series of events in The Secret of Luck? http://www.sbs.com.au/documentary/video/2294844688/Derren-Brown-The-Experiments-Ep4-The-Secret-Of-Luck . How do you take a lie about a lucky dog & make it lucky? Not for one person, not for a small group, a town?
There is something powerful & should anyone ever truly harness the answers I believe will be our greatest loss, some things are best being a mystery.  Yet it is the struggle of humanity to seek control over themselves, over others, over the events which change our lives & so in turn force the direction of their lives into a well designed construction, already mapped, planned & organised & then spend the hard earned dollars they so desperately crave to feed the craving of this thirsty void, in therapy & on substances to ease the confusion of why they are not where they wanted to be or when they arrived, not what they thought it would be like & at a loss to why they are unhappy.

"OMGosh, what is this feeling I'm experiencing" "oh wait, I'll just pour another glass, eat another piece, yell a little louder....aaahhh now it's gone, what a useless feeling that is".

Is there a force greater than all forces known to man? A force many a theorists have tried to define & fail in their attempts to document human thought or are Skinner, Maslow, Freud, Gestalt are they all on the right path? How much power does the human mind control?

I see its wonders & its devestations, the minds which use positive motivation to push past pain barriers, beyond the finish line & without the need to sell their soul to obtain it (or their reputation & sponsorship deals).  Then are those who feed the negativity, focus too long on the physical reality & more quick to reject any alternate idea, thought or experience, the "my way is the only way" people of the world. We may be one species, yet we are separated by those who are embracing life, strength & possibilities & those who accept, tolerate & need a rational explanation behind every decision in order to move forward (Yet we all know where those people are right now, don't we!)
What is bizarre as I'm throwing up my thoughts this morning in one not so well digested form, is I lay in bed last night contemplating a moment in time, an Eva Cassidy moment and then this morning (when I should be already on my bike!) I decide to go via the office on the way to putting my shoes on & find myself listening to Eva, not being my intention that morning, sparked by reading a friend's blog; was it another gentle reminder to 'go there', to unleash the senses & stop for a moment, that a 80km bike ride & a 90 mins of yoga is not going to make it all better.
Do we intentionally or unintentionally bring experiences into our lives, is it possible?

In Lynne McTaggart's book 'The Intention Experiment' scientists & non-scientists around the world, believers & non-believers have applauded her work on whether science can define the likes of experiments such as those of Derek Brown. http://theintentionexperiment.com/ .
Other's not so well versed & guided by there own experiences such as 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byre http://thesecret.tv/ again attempt to express in words that you too do have everything you need to have a successful, fulfilling & amazing life, it has been right there inside you all along.

Now for those of you out there focussing on dollar values, real estate, luxury etc, if you have a road block, you need to ask yourself did you read the map right? Did you listen to your inner voices, is your body in the best shape it can be for a journey you are expecting to take a lifetime (to discover & enjoy), are you truly giving it all you've got? Can you celebrate in the joy of other's success or do you mope around, bring them down & think that everyone has it easier than you? Do you give up when the going gets tough? Have you made sacrifices in the best interest of others? of yourself? Ask yourself HOW BAD DO YOU WANT WHAT YOU WANT! What the hell is your voice saying? Are you listening? Are you intune? or are you too busy changing the dial.  Connect people! Connect with yourself.  Before you go trying to change someone else, take a good long hard look at yourself! What could you learn from others? Is your mind open or closed?

So you have something in mind, then ask yourself...why do you want it? Intention, motivation, what is it & why are you driven to find yourself in things, in money, in nothing you can take with you when this life is over.  Is your soul aching, your body giving in, do you bask in the sunlight, feel the warmth on your skin & feel every breathe of alive or are you wallowing in self pity & stuck in what didn't go right instead of realising at sometime in trying to shove yourself & life into the right direction, you ended up in the backseat!

You have life! You have this amazing body, full of so many gems, treats, unbelievable talents you haven't begun to even explore as yet.  Glimpses appear, little reminders to show you the way, yet so many of you are so busy in the business of life; of course you will be lost if you fail to read the sign posts!

Sometimes like Joe http://vimeo.com/27678116?action=share we need to sit in the quiet of our mind, find a solace to strip away all the shit people, all the crap & baggage weighing you down, to hear your own heart beating, plus I'm a yogi addict so if you don't have yoga in your life & you still have the capacity to move & breathe, get out there & start today! it's life changing....ooops sorry side tracked.
 
Now some may call this 'God' or your God with varying names and references, some may call it divine intervention, 'the one', a connection with the 'universe'.  Whatever it is, we do not have all the answers and nor do we need them. Some who take the statistical manuals to define mental health would have another explanation; if you are too low, you have a diagnosis, if you are too high you have a diagnosis, if you do not fit the round hole, you have a diagnosis.  Now sometimes labels can be of benefit, they at least get you access to the support you need, just don't forget you are not the label, you are you.  You decide where you are going.

So back to divine universal intervention & Eva Cassidy!. Those of you who know me, know I've been on this mind cleansing life changing journey for a while now & let me tell you it can be a battle of wills to free your mind & listen to your inner self/voice when you have trained yourself to 'suck it up' get on with it & there are only two speeds in life, go & stop!

Now I've gotta get to my point here, time is ticking & it takes at least an hours ride to the beach & I'm cutting into energy & speed typing away here.

There is a gift here, our greatest gift, many struggle with until their last breathe.  Life is not a struggle, it doesn't need to be, you don't need to resist or fight.  Nor do you need to tolerate or accept it, it just is what it is. Your heart is a guiding force, let it open to all that it wants to absorb, feel, touch, welcome.  YOur soul is its guardian, to keep reminding you when you stray from the path, you will know. 

I made a decision a while ago to listen intently & completely to my heart, to nurture my soul, it was tired, it ached, it had served me well & brought me this far.  Like tired feet after a long journey it needed a rest; a rest from anger, hate, suffering & wanting & these are all the things I did, not what was around me, the things I manifest through my intentions, my choices, my unwilling relentless pursuit of everything outside of me, instead of realising what I needed was here all along. I wanted to see "my true colours" shine through, how would I ever know what I was capable of, what felt good, amazing, supernatural unless I opened my mind, my heart & my life to allowing it to enter?

I can tell you honestly it has been one hell of a ride, scary, bumpy & facing some fears, one by one has been the hardest part.  I decided to deconstruct every obstacle, not by force, by nurturing it, to challenge, yet embrace whatever it was (is any of this making sense?).

For those who need a step by step instruction, what did this mean? Well when life when bang & flipped upside down I had to change & change fast.  I took away all the fake & plastic things which didn't help me to move forward, crap food, crap experiences, unhealthy lifestyle, unhealthy thinking & then made a list 'the bucket list' of all the things I would love to experience, not want, just experience in life.  I let my mind take over & imagine food, places & above all people & a sounding voice kept repeating itself & this was my life changing moment.  I made a space I was comfortable with, set some new personal goals, told people who mattered, they mattered, surrounded myself with people who lift me up & take me forward & I made a decision to feel grateful for every single experience, the good, the bad & the ugly for bringing me to this point.

I decided that love was not about possession or taking, it was not forcing yourself onto someone or something.  It had nothing to do with getting what you want & everything to do with living with contentment, peace & knowing your heart could stay open as long as you allowed it to.  It didn't have a time limit, it didn't need a tommorrow, it wan't broken & didn't need fixing.  Everything I had was right there all along.  Everyone I loved was right there all along & I had plenty of room for more & so much it was too much for one person to contain.

So in facing one of my fears I took up kayaking; the tide was up, the dark & gloomy skies didn't help, probably not the best day to try & focus on anything except shark infested deep water! I only had to push out from the shoreline a short way before my heart raced, so strong was the pound I could feel my phone in its zip lock back strapped in the vest moving! Then it took over my body, my hands, my feet, the fear of going where I hadn't gone before, the fear of being my best, the fear of facing a completely unreal construction of something I hadn't even tried before, the fear kicked in! I had an instructor with me & thank goodness they gave me a wide birth! I could have taken a head off with that oar! Then I could feel the pull of the tide, I was absolutely fine going against it (wow I love that metaphor everytime I think of it, me too an absolute capital, always swimming agains the tide & most comfortable) & wow this isn't so bad I thought, then we decided to turn, I had contemplated crossing the channel & going up river, weaving between boats moared nearby.  Then it happened; the tide caught me & I began to drift without control, OMFG I was not in control!!!!!!!!

The shakes took over & I could feel my face, it was hot & I looked for the nearest escape root, something to grab hold of! Oh the water was so dark I couldn't see the oar once it went in.  My instructor gave me a tip, reminded me of what I am made of, who I am, what drives me, to fight the tide, in the sense to let it take me, decide, consciously decide to go with the flow, put the friggin oar in damn it & steer yourself!!!!! Open your mind, stop focussing on the fear, stop listening to your heart pounding, go with it, damn it...go with it!


How the wise one shifts the wind & adjusts the sails when we are at risk of losing our perspective, caught up driving rather than enjoying the journey, I have no explanation.  If you are needing me to explain why 3 nights in a row at exactly 3 am the remote control tank of my son's fired at exactly that time just 3months after our 3yr old son died of cancer, the tank he always wanted to play with & his belonged to his brother, I can't explain it, I don't even want to try.

There are moments we need a piece of 4x2 to a timely region to wake us & jolt our heart into the start position again, like a scream from the top of the highest mountain, "WAKE THE HELL UP YOU ARE SLEEPING!!!!!!" & then there are other times it takes something more subtle, a gentle melancholic reminder we have strayed off the path & if we listen, if we tune in to the sounds around us, you can hear the voice inside telling you which way to go.

All those decisions I made, I grew tired & frustrated & slowly I drifted back into the safety of the shore & rested my oar, I stopped going with the flow, my heart quietened, drowned out by voices of advice & well meaning assurance.  Yet it never passed, it lingered day in & day out & I quietened it like 'Joe' with something more.

Thank you Eva Cassidy & thank you Jac, what a timely reminder, mmm Songbird, True Colours & yes "time after time" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMznNlfLXP4&feature=related

I know where I am going, what my heart aches for, who I am & what I am made of.....do you?
<3 font="font">

Time will not wait....

Been enjoying the early mornings & lack of sleep, using it to my advantage with the extra time; long walks along the river & yesterday at the right moment caught a glimpse of a pod of dolphins with their infants playing about. Both Sophie & I sat on the rocks for a while & just observed in silence. After 10 minutes we were joined by a row of people we usually pass on our walks, with their dogs, perched up on the rocks, all in silence, mesmorized by the simplicity & amazing natural wonder. The dolphins were doing their thing, oblvious to us all gawking at them, some probably wishing they could do this more often, others appreciating not having to buy a ticket to watch such a spectacle & others like us, absorbed in the opportunity to just observe in silence.Later that day I was having a chat with someone who is going through the loss of a family member at present, whose days are nearing the end & only the universe knows when that will be. We were chatting about the finality of life & how so many people even right up til the last breathe refuse to acknowledge all life has a beginning & an ending. Many are happy to throw life around like it is endless & if it breaks you can take it back & try something else, buy a new one or borrow someone elses. In our materialistic world, of all the things we have to face, death still remains the unspoken discussion, remains the fear, the dread & yet it is in death that we learn out greatest lesson....HOW TO LIVE!
Unless you have experienced death & by that I mean touched it, held it, heard it & watched it, it is difficult to really comprehend that time waits for no one. Read all the stories you like, weep if you must, tell yourself because you know someone who lost someone you 'get it', few really do.
Your life is not tommorrow, not yesterday, it is today.
If you are wasting your life you do not 'get it'.
If you are breathing & spend more time complaining about suffering than you don't 'get it'.
If you are telling yourself you don't have enough money to make your dreams come true & you have a house, a car, things, clothes, latest gadgets & eat what you like....you don't 'get it'.
If you are telling yourself this is good enough, the passion has slipped from your relationship, the smile from your face, your body tired & weary, too tired to enjoy the joys of being one of the fortunate few to have someone who loves them......you don't 'get it'.
Life will not wait.There are no guarantees there is a tommorrow.How many lives will be lost as I type this note? How many random acts of violence, innocent deaths, loss of life due to preventable disease & suffering, how many children, partners, sisters, brothers, friends & family will not see the night out.
This year I have known people whose husbands didn't come home & there truck driving husband fell asleep & made national news; losing loved ones overseas without the chance to say goodbye, ache for not being able to tell them one more time what they wanted to all that time.How many people right now are breathing & yet think they are already in hell? They can't know how precious every breath is, they take each opportunity to have a roof over their head, love in their hearts & a life to live for granted because they want more & they want it now. How many people do not realise that living is a choice, existing is just going along for the ride.What you take for granted is up to you, take responsibility for it, if you choose to waste your life, waste opportunities & decide instead of feeling gratitude for the life you have, spend it complaining about the life you wish you had, the life in magazines, the life of neighbours, the life of people you don't even know. For goodness sake wake up people. Your life is YOURS & your life only. Time will not wait.Tis the Spring Equinox & all about reflection, new life, finding balance in the good & not so good, in the old & the new, in letting go & forging new paths.How did a species so clever & amazing become so caught up in selfishness & greed & all the things which continually bring suffering to the individual & the wider community? How is it that as human beings we use our voices to complain more about what we don't have than reaching out to share what we have with those who have less.
I am reflecting, maybe what that was all about this morning, time to reflect. Maybe those opportunities are presented to us all, yet we are so caught up in the busy moments, in the whinging & whining, in the what I don't have, in the wanting more, we fail to see those moments.Life is all about that. It's making time, creating moments & taking responsibility for what you miss, it's your choice.Somewhere today a family are waiting for their loved ones last breathe, they are contemplating all the lost opportunities, all the things they hesitated about, should have said & didn't.YOU CANNOT WAIT! This is the lesson. Time will not wait for you to catch up, it will not wait for you to build your confidence, you cannot push your expectations onto others & believe your way is the only way, the world DOES NOT revolve around you; you make the world revolve, your energy, your contributions, your use of every breathe & every moment you are alive.
If you are taking & not giving, if you have not learned life is all about giving you won't 'get it' till the last breath.Life is not in things, there a million quotes to remind us from people who have all gone before us, who have learned their lesson & want to encourage others to not make the same errors, time will not wait.Time will not wait for you to tell someone you love them.Time will not wait for you to save more.Time will not wait for you to plan that holiday next year or the year after.Time will not wait for you to be a better person.Time will not wait for you to get into shape.
This is about listening to your voice; the voice of compassion, the voice of wanting (of love & connection...don't confuse it with things!); the voice of belonging. You are what you live, what you live every day, the words you use, the voice, your actions, how you treat others, these are all your choice.The other day I read a story of a woman who is now a successful solicitor, as well as a paraolympian. What makes this person amazing is when she was a baby she was diagnosed with neuroblastoma (eye cancer) & lost one eye; after adjusting to that & before starting school, she lost the other to cancer. Not ever one to give up & with parents who could use that determination to channel it in a positive direction she went on to complete her HSC with awesome marks, go to law school & go onto to be a runner at Olympic levels! All without her sight! All with surviving cancer.The world is full of stories of people who looked fear in the face & said get the hell out of my way I'm coming through. People who took life by both .....mmmm hands (LOL) & everything it has to offer, with total disregard for not having the right gear, the right body, the right mind, the right anything, they had an unwaivering sense of determination & resilience to live every breathe until their last.Now I'm not here minimising your struggles, your suffering or grief you have experienced & I certainly wouldn't express it unless I had walked the walk! It hurts like hell!!!! & it stays in the quiet depths of your inner hard drive in a file you keep for when your time comes to meet again. You can choose to either use it to make you stronger or let it bring you down to a level where the view will be just like living in hell! Get up damn it! GET UP!In my lifetime I have had the most amazing experiences. I've travelled to many parts of the world, made friends with the most amazing people, I've loved, been loved, laughed, cried, screamed & danced & every single experience is living.I didn't end up now where I thought I'd be, I had a lot of frustrations & painful lessons along the way, yet I never let anyone tell me what I truly wanted & I know never to trust one persons advice! People will only see the world through their eyes!!!
This year all the astrologists, predictions, even alternate spiritual wise ones are speaking the same language. A shift is in the air. A time to think about who you are, what do you contribute, what meaning does your life have, what legacy will you leave behind.So in true 'Spring Equinox' celebratory form I share with you my thoughts, encourage you to stop & watch dolphins play; tell someone you love them, don't wait, play more with your children let the crap wait! Make that call, don't put off or hestitate, be passionate, feel alive, feel the cold, the heat, the smell of life in your veins & don't waste a single moment. TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE!

XXXXXXXOOOOOOO

Fifty Shades clearer

I read it! Yes me; research purely of course (those of you have read it wipe those cheeky grins off your face) seriously, stop it, the male purchasers out there will know exactly what I am referring to &; of course it’s possible to buy a highly publicised book described as ‘mommy porn’ just to see what all the fuss is about; not like the virgin pubescent stalking mega stores, who grabs a copy between their ‘Wheels’ magazine like a packet of condoms in the supermarket. Personally I think the intrigue &; curiosity eventually took over the assumptions by mentioning the word ‘grey’ (which is a dirty word in itself at the perfect age of 21...forever) in a title hailed as an erotic romantic, I toyed with the idea it had something to do with being outdated, outdone, bored with ‘The Grey Nomads’ &; fantasy, yet the figures didn’t add up. I initially thought I’d rather spend $20 on treating my body to some pampering than on a poorly written & highly criticised book turning feminists purple!

Then something poked me in the eye...the writers eye I mean....the 5.3 million purchases in the UK, outselling, out marketing & out demanding all books in history, including Harry Potter fans (which really goes to tell us children do not have all the buying power!), Dan Brown and self help, self talk, self inspired motivational guru’s, with the chant of their own ‘Secret’, the reality is there is no secret anymore to the chorus of the apparent majority of female buyers worldwide.

EL James has brought S&M into the mainstream as the majority of purchasers captivated by the erotic love story, display a new found acceptance of the reality everyone has issues, is or has the potential to be a little fifty shades f***ed up, some of us 20, some of us 30, some of us even 50+! We can still be sexy, hold down a successful career at the same time, despite a loss of appetite & sleep deprivation.

The book sold around the world and published in languages including Albanian, Chinese, Russian, Serbian and Vietnamese so obviously some topics speak the same language!

This isn’t as the hot, under nothing more than their collar, feminists would have you believe about abuse, torture and domestic violence. It’s as one writer hit ‘the arse with a slap’ to the purple faced critics,  a consensual heterosexual monogamous relationship with a love story! OMgosh people let’s get accurate about this it’s Disney does hand-cuffs, riding crops & fetish!

Some have described the best seller as a manual of abuse & torture, many beg to differ & I would be one of them.  If the individual needs to turn to a poorly written & sexually explicit he meets her, falls for her, crap happens, they sort it story.... to learn about torture, to find a ‘how to’ abuse, then let’s throw out the new to be released DSMV manual on well researched mental health diagnoses & re-write the Crimes Act, after all the critics want you to believe that a book, a movie, an idea takes away your intelligence & responsibility as an adult to make your own choices! Let’s just take a step back here...’poor Anastasia’...such comments do more damage than 100 shades of grey for women today. 

The UK Guardian quotes book burning promoter Clare Phillipson, holding the position of Director for charities involving domestic violence and women in need as claiming she had been waiting for "a feminist icon to savage this misogynistic crap, but nobody did", & could no longer hold herself back, so felt compelled to grab her soap box & climb aboard.  How many women actually chose to take the tube ride in or dare the traffic to central London to throw their worn out copy of FSOG to be burned in honour of the disgusted Phillipson’s misguided beliefs around domestic violence & it’s origins, has not been published; I’d say lucky for Phillipson it is summer in London, otherwise I believe we may have witnessed ‘like hell will freeze over’.

Is it the sex that sold the book? The bondage, the sexual & erotic exploitation experienced by the characters of the book or is it purely the experience and lack of experience which tickled Ms Phillipson & feminist fundamentalists off? (oops ticked I meant to say....hehe) What message do these women send to the Anastasias of the world, educated, opinionated, forthright women who clearly can speak & do for themselves....Ms Phillipson would have us believe if you are a woman & you enjoy any of the tales of FSOG then you have been misled, overpowered and let’s just slap a domestic violence label on the guy who participated. Then there are those who gave ‘poor’ ‘vulnerable’ Anastasia way too much credit, assuming the mere publishing assistant had swapped her literary qualifications for a psych degree & had the capacity to plan, manipulate & “fix” Mr Grey. Oooooh please give us intelligent women a break. No one can force a person to change for starters. True change occurs from the inside out & only through being creative with our own behaviour can we have any power over our journey. “Be the change you want to see”....  

I read one comment last week where a woman stated “what kind of intelligent, educated, well presented woman wants a guy like Mr Grey”...well let’s read on shall we!

Subliminal messages take from them what you will; isn’t that the driving force of entertainment, movies, music and books? I didn’t know the ELO track played backwards let alone existed until someone else played it for me at an opportune time. Now it could have been the alcohol, the euphoria of the moment (I was after all born in the 60’s) or the slightly weird chants in reverse on a piece of plastic, yet did I start devil worshipping? Well maybe I could blame the lack of focus & partying through high school (bugger hope my parents aren't reading this!)on ELO music &  that would lighten the responsibility load somewhat.

Get off your soap box Ms Phillipson & get onto something with more substance. When as a society are we going to stop treating adults as victims, this ‘I didn’t have a choice’ attitude is utterly boring.  Poor Adam, persuaded by that horrible vixon Eve to bite into the Apple...what does that say about men? Easily led? Easily distracted? Self centred? Self motivated? Lack of judgement? What does it say about women? Capable? Clever? Self motivated? Definitely in control! Now we all know this not to be true (hehehe).

If we are looking for common sense & a woman speaking on behalf of the trillions enjoying the trilogy behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings has obviously swallowed the right pills. "In my view, the appalling nature of domestic violence – and I wholly support the amazing work that refuges do for women at traumatic and vulnerable periods of their lives – has absolutely nothing to do with the pain/pleasure sexual axis within a fictional love story which has brought a lot of entertainment to millions of women. It does them a disservice," she said.

Most adults, said Hemmings, "have a pretty good handle on what and what isn't morally acceptable. Does reading a thriller involving murder makes us more likely to commit one? Or even consider it? Of course not."

Even self appointed sexual submissive Sophie Morgan claims “but as I dated I began to realise I thrived on the challenge of submitting to someone else. It might seem strange if you're not that way inclined, but I enjoy the catharsis of the pain – which, trust me, feels very different in an erotic situation as otherwise I'm the sort of woman who can't cope with a leg wax because it hurts too much. I find being challenged and humiliated hot. Without being big headed, in my day-to-day life I can pretty much handle whatever the universe throws at me, so being on the back foot (although not passive, another misconception of what being submissive means) and reacting often brings about an adrenaline high in its own right; like sky diving but with more nakedness and no plummeting to the ground.” Yet she too goes on to slam the book as being disproportionate to what a ‘real’ submissive is all about. “It comes back to the nature of consent”, oh & so it does Ms Morgan, so it does.

Domestic abuse is and will always remain indefensible; to suggest personal relationships between consenting adults centred on erotic fantasies endorses or encourages sexual violence is not only wrong, it’s a disgusting misuse of context. Violence is about power and control, it’s not about sex and erotica. Such suggestions do more harm to the causes in need of deconstructing myths and stereotypes rather than reinforcing them.

There isn’t a behavioural or developmental theorist out there who doesn’t argue the basis of humanity is driven by our fundamental desire....to belong, to need someone, to feel connected, to feel a sense of self, sense of others, to feel love. It's who we are, what makes us tick, even when we can't hear it ourselves & no matter how hard you attempt to bury it, it's voice is louder than anything you've heard before.

It’s alright for some human beings to become addicted to the adrenalin pumping, body slamming contact sports, to come off the field or hot & sweaty, smiling from ear to ear, yet when it is more about the consensual intimacy between two adults it is labelled as abuse, violence and torture! Oh please feminists, go back & re read your history books or wait another 20 or 30 years & make your money out of taking back what you said in the first place.

Is it that the maybe 1 or 2 times a week below average romp between couples with & without kids is now termed ‘vanilla’ and average has a whole new meaning? When making time for a shower meant getting hot water before the kids used it all & having someone tell you what to eat for dinner was more a luxury than considered abuse by the feminist! Stop telling us what we need and want, we damn well know what it is, we like it that way & by the way I don’t want to change my own light bulbs I can’t even reach them for starters.

Is the problem that Mr Fifty Shades of f**ed up  (Anastasia coins the term not me!) highlights the underlying desires which give birth around adolescence in males with a deep desire for domination, fancy dress, anything but vanilla and now the word is out women want it & men are at a loss to keep up? Well tough bickies! EL James has shoved it out there with a nice leather handled heave ho; putting women’s needs on top, the sexual needs; enjoyment of women are on the agenda & the whingers out there need to get some balls before she buys her own!

Adult superstore owners are seeing more partners with shopping lists than Aldi, with a speed of a man sent to the chemist on a flying carpet! The word is out, it’s the voice of sex therapists having to consider a different career, being out counselled by an immature young recently graduated Anastasia & seriously screwed up, excess childhood trauma baggage, needs a good woman to sort him out, Christian Grey. Music sales of classical music are soaring like no other concert pianist has been able to manifest, ‘Spem in Alium’ has been at the top of iTunes charts since EL James launched her fantasies online, let alone in paperback; a 2^nd track song 'Try', yes.....2^nd track people by Nelly Furtado released 8 years ago is out selling latest releases (I one of those downloading!). You name it, helicopter rides, the Heathmans in Portland where the couple stayed is booming with its romance packages, the expensive wines they drink, the Audi (I have to agree with Anastasia who in their right mind would want to swap the Audi for a Saab?) demand is on the up & rising, people want a piece of Christian Grey & the curious Anastasia and willing to pay to get as close as they can in their own reality. It’s permission to bring passion and adventure back into relationships.

Fifty Shades of screwed up has done for the university qualified sexology field what CSI did for forensics! People are talking, aroused and interested.  Couples are speaking about more than when to take the garbage out and “not tonight darling I’m tired” has taken on a whole new meaning. The light has gone on in the bedroom and it isn’t the kids wanting another glass of milk! I mean if someone had of suggested a ‘red room of pain’ to me previously, I would imagine it to involve paint, mess and cleaning up; definitely not a place to unleash the inner goddess, more likely the mummy cranky pants.

In a society bent on boxing people into groups, bent on suggesting those who choose an alternative lifestyle as needing to be fixed or exorcised, even as one church leader claimed earlier this month in Australia by manipulating his position & health statistics, claimed to choose an alternative lifestyle is bad for your health. This writer has taken the exploration of her coffee shop blogging, to smashing champagne like blows to christen a few minds ready to be opened with the energy of a creative genius, with the basic of all our human drives & needs to the top of her bank account with a large clang of ‘cha-ching’.

Women are now not only listening to their inner goddess they are talking back to her, holding conversations & dressing up for the occasion! Who needs Tupperware when you can have a ‘Shades of Summer’ party with your besties. Yet come on feminist anti-shaders; we are no more caught up in the luxury presents which start as a sincere gesture with the purchase of a vintage book (come on as a book lover, writer, hoarder of books..... a new guy remembering your favourite read, scouring the universe to locate, purchase & send it to you....cha-ching again!). Though if the do-gooders get down off their mmm what do they get up on? for one minute & look at what is real, what is creative exploration, for most ‘mommies’ out there apparently the excitement is more in the fantasy of having a live-in, clean your red room of pain & prepare three awesome meals a day for you, housekeeper scenario than it is giving up the minivan for the Saab! Someone else to mop the floors, wow my endorphins are surging already!

I mean ladies, ladies, men, men, Mel Gibson misdirected as he was about the follow through, yet clearly tried to point us in the right direction years ago with ‘What women want’ and despite the panic button push of the porn industry claiming FSOG has produced nothing more than a cheap written version of their own smutty, illicit, distasteful, illegal (in most cases) videos, IT’S A BOOK! If you don’t like it, don’t buy it (borrow a friend’s and no one will ever know).  Though what is tickling the pockets of Random House is EL James has raised the bar, creative sexual desire is out there, what women want is being discussed at restaurants in the open, it’s on the menu (who decided on our behalf to take it off in the first place?). I mean here is a guy, rich guy, smart guy, got his crap together guy (despite the well drawn out attachment disorders), the body of a Greek god and he doesn’t want a supermodel, he isn’t lusting over a perfectly manicured and experienced women he knows has it all, he wants a woman the way she is, vanilla if it’s the way it has to be! Just because she happens to know more about 19^th Century literature than her own body does it make it any less consensual? OM double gosh...a woman with a brain that takes pleasure in her own body, what could be more alarming?

So in true soap box form & the intrinsic ‘worked up’ nature of a blogger I raise these questions to you about the nature of human desire, the honesty, passion lacking in relationships & highlighted by the craze of FSOG sweeping book stores, online chat groups, retail stores & more.

Who wouldn’t get worked up? Frustrated by the ridiculous outrageous book burning suggestions made by critics? Well known sex therapist, author; respected woman Bettina Arndt knows too well how discussing sex can make one famous; it’s knowledge & the support provided to people who in isolation are losing the spark in their relationships, a crave & drive for the insatiable need for more; detailing in her book ‘The sex diaries’ research involving 98 couples negotiating their ‘sex supply’ & in her next best seller ‘What men want – in bed’ based on 150 men writing about why sex matters.  I’m still coming to terms with the admissions by several men who live in ‘loveless’ relationships...why the hell would any person stay in a place that made them utterly & completely lifeless & miserable?  Ms Phillipson you want to talk about power & misuse the word to make generalised assumptions about S&M through lack of knowledge, then come clean about the women out there who regularly use sex as a weapon of control over their male partners, who learn how & when to withhold sex in order to meet their own needs, like getting the dishes done!

To be truly honest, despite my new found appreciation & respect for a book which seems to not only to be totally out of character for me, yet enlightening; has provided more boost to relationships than Pfzier did with Viagra & surprised me despite not finishing the trilogy at this stage, as I love nothing more than to be surprised (which is a rare occurence these days).  To be honest I initially found EL James writing boring, difficult to get my teeth into (I did say “boring” didn’t I?). Then luck would have it, whilst the half finished Fifty Shades Darker collected dust on the shelf & whilst I tried to get my head around a whity response to release some creative angst, it took my hip giving out from apparent “punishing my body” to put me in the hammock under the sun for a few days to pick up where Mr Grey & I left off. If it were just about the erotic sexual desires & detailed accounts of the couples exploits, it’s would have been much cheaper, less invasive than being seen at the checkout with a price check on “Fifty Shades of Grey the third one” to download on the Kindle. OK it pushes a few buttons, yet none a little double dose of yoga inversion therapy could not fix. Most of the inner goddess’ I know could do the red room of pain standing on their heads balancing all the balls in our hands! It’s more than that; it has always been about more than that.

Human beings will always be driven by the need to be to be wanted.  Up until EL James a few had dabbled, none had the audacity or marketing skills of an ex executive producer to push it as far as she has, to put it out there to the universe, targeting the voice of men, the voice of women and the ending we all crave in one series. We want to be wanted, whole heartedly, from the tips of our toes, to our decreasing hairlines, every muscle, sinew, piece of grey, inked part of our amazing beating bodies, small bodies, large bodies, scarred, hurt bodies; complicated, confused bodies, cuddly & warm bodies, cold bodies needing of a little lipstick map of 'do not go' areas, by someone who needs us more than we need the pleasure of ourselves. We want to be loved with the softness of a giving heart, to trust ourselves to be fully vulnerable, to walk naked as we are, tall & confident, knowing we too have eyes of appreciation on us with the firmness of passion & desire; we want permission to let the inner goddess shake her booty on the table tops if she so needs & in the comfort & intimacy of her own home; someone tell me what is wrong or non consenual about that!

People are caught up in the honesty of EL James to capture the sexual desires and complicated relationship of two people wanting what obviously too many have dreamt about and failed to trust themselves, their friends & more importantly their partners to talk about openly.

So I agree with many a blogger out there and dowse a little cold water on the hot hopes of partners thinking there has been a tsunami like shift in their partner’s appetite and it’s all in relation to the biting lips and butt slapping.  As a writer it has to be somewhat ‘insulting’ to have the successful beyond comprehension trilogy referred to as ‘Mommy porn’, to the marketing executives they would be dancing starkers on the boardroom tables by now to the screams of “laters baby”; when the majority of readers are just as attracted to the vulnerability; suffering of a now grown up previously traumatised male child with significant attachment issues; the young ‘I can think for myself’, slightly clumsy, gutsy, turned prurient woman who becomes ‘the difference’ in his change, than they are with thoughts of having to maintain grace under pressure at a masked ball! It’s a love story people, readers are still unknowingly switched on by the innate desire of all of us to want to connect to someone, to belong, to feel needed, wanted, desired, it’s romance naked!

For goodness sake all you grownups out there, human intimacy is the most natural part of our development, it has less calories than alcohol and chocolate and increases more endorphins, it’s good for your health. How can you think you know what your partner likes to eat, what movies, books they enjoy, how to dress them (for the control freaks out there) and not care or even know what turns them on? If it’s not happening people than for goodness sake verbalise it! FSOG is not new.  By predictions it’s just the tip of the iceberg, it’s poured curiosity into a melting pot with desire & yes....wait for it ....LOVE!.  It’s shown you can be f***ed up, present as Adonis to the universe, to truly be yourself; yet underneath, that whilst there is a beat, it will carry you through, that longing, it will take you where you need to be; it's possible, wounds heal & you can still have a fulfilling & amazing relationship, fuelled with passion, founded in honesty & it starts with the acceptance of who you are & what you bring to a relationship.

It’s a love story; it’s not your average chick flick, probably needs a rating on the cover, yet why is love too often limited to a four letter word with no actions.  Why is all the passion in the first few years of a relationship when clearly if we even take the heart, the symbol of love, the organ which is responsible for keeping our bodies firing, the machine which keeps the flow of oxygen; happy juice flowing through our veins, if we take this as symbolic of love then why do we not allow love all this and more? The heart is everything to the body, without it there is no life.  When it fails to work, we hope, pray & we do at times fix it, keep it going, it brings life to every axis of our being. When we love why ares so many afraid to be all, to be vulnerable, to allow each other, to give their body & therefore their soul, does love have no boundaries? Don’t hide behind the ignorance of Phillipson, the fear; fear of the unknown, fear of the ignorant, life is a journey of lessons, let your heart guide you, trust your instinct, trust yourself, be trusting of others and each other.

Make a call, 1-800-inner-goddess, tell her you are sorry it’s been a while & you should have called sooner yet kids, routine and boredom set in, you lost contact.  Tell her you know someone you’d like her to meet, introduce them.

So about the self torture stuff I mentioned, pounding myself into the pavement kilometre after another, clearing my head, only feeling satisfied after soaking to the bone & exhausted. Clearly there are much more enjoyable ways to feel pain. I take back my early assumptions, $20 well spent, definitely much more pampering for the body; inversion therapy will definitely come in handy! I'm going to take my Bosweillia & stay off my hip, spend an awful lot of time enjoying the view from the hammock & finish the trilogy! (email me if you need to borrow them when I'm done!)

So if you haven’t read it & you are putting of being caught up in the demeaning hype, take a word of advice from Christian Grey “We are consenting adults and what we do behind closed doors is between ourselves.  You need to free your mind and listen to your body”.

A Child's birthday xo

In memory of Ben 10.08.95 - 12.12.98

You sometimes have to wonder who is more excited on a child's birthday, the parents, the siblings or the child.  Sometimes you are in bed with your eyes closed & your brain engaged waiting for the early start & on the one day you prepare yourself to donate every part of yourself, they sleep in! Everyone wants them awake, the whole house is up, we all want to enjoy in their excitement, we want it to start now. Whose day is it?

As parents it is always their day; in our house like Santa stealing the night, we wait until a noise is coming from their open mouths, the eyelids are shut & all lights are out & we hang streamers, balloons & an obstacle course from their bed to the pressies; it's anything you like to eat, cereal for dinner, pods on cheesecake, whatever you like for at least one day of the year, everyone, particularly children need that! It's the one day we take of all days, of many, yet this one is magical & the one you give up to show your child how grateful you are their soul chose you.

What they don't know in the tearing of gorgeous paper (the one you spent pacing the isle trying to find the perfect one or last minute creativity burst as a result of a small panic attack...."we forgot the paper") carefully hiding gifts to build the anticipation, ringing around stores to find the last of something only your child would want & even on the years when budgets are tight, it's creating a special moment only they could enjoy & yet it is so much more.

For me a birthday, their birthday, a child's birthday is the day we gave birth.  We brought wonder, humour, laughter & love into our lives, into the lives of all around us, shared their presence with the world, our gift to ourselves, to our family & the planet.  It's the one day we let go of the memories of tantrums, trials of toileting, interruptions (phone calls, sleep, the toilet & not to mention heaven forbid attempts to provide siblings!).  We put all that aside & we tip toe in & watch them grow another year older, the world unfolding as they sleep & we embrace everything amazing in that day, their day, their gift to us.

Like planting a seed we tenderly nurture & pray for in storms, hoping it stands the test of time, willing it to survive all odds, watching it grow inch by inch & blossom into no longer a seed, spreading its branches, staking it's roots into soil, making it's presence known to all. There are days the leaves shed all over the yard, it looks pale & worn & we carefully bring it back to health with every attention.  When it's tall & strong, we sit benneath it & bask in its amazing wonder & all the efforts of caring for it day in & day out slip from our mind as we take in all its amazing beauty.

This day in our quiet moments, is our day too.

Holding my morning tea on the verandah over looking the valley, watching the sun come up on the day I gave birth to my 2nd child Ben.  The warmth of the tea cup reminds me of the warmth of his hands, the sun in all its amazing wonder, never ceases to stop me in my thoughts at this hour to watch it creep into the day.  The day takes it from us bit by bit, until the night falls & we are given the chance to either grieve for it's loss, or lay in wonder of the stars & take the time to enjoy the thoughts of our day.

I can hear people chatting as they walk, birds are awake & wonder how many babies, gorgeous new gifts arrived while I sit here with my hands warm & my heart remembering. How time goes fast whilst your children grow, how we grow.

We could have stopped celebrating Ben's birthday when he died at 3 years and 4 months of age, we could have taken this day to quietly let his memory fade as so many times advised by well meaning persons. 

Yet, since when have I ever done what other's wanted me to do!

A birthday, a child's birthday, whether they live a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, it brings us gifts we can never replace, buy or give away.  Our very purpose on life is to discover our own gifts & when the time comes to give it away.  How could I possibly give back this gift?

A child's birthday is day of celebration. A birthday, all birthdays, are a gift to each of us, the gift of love, a gift of life. 

This is not a day to show weakness or self indulge. It's not answering the phone, no being interrupted, wearing their favourite colour, eating their favourite food, it's taking risks, hugging more, sharing more love, playing.  It's reminding ourselves of the child in all of us; growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

So on this day, for you Ben, for all the children & from all the parents, thank
you & HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

For being you.
For sharing your gifts.
For making the world a better place from your first breathe.
For reminding us life really is about more cuddles.
For teaching us to stop & capture the moment.
For keeping us grounded, reminding us we too have branches to spread.
For your gift xo
Thank you.
Happy birthday.

The adventure of your life

For many of you who know me personally, you are aware the last year has been bumpy to say the least.  The uncertainty of living life and not knowing what will occur from one day to the next has been life changing.  Not the hardest or most painful of experiences in my life, yet certainly the most disturbing, intrusive and disruptive. 
Life has this way of finding opportunities right at inconvenient times.  Just when we think we are on track; I had the 5 year plan well & truly underway, it was all happening.  Then 'bam' the rug came out from underneath & in one swift move, no home, no car, no work & the uncertainty of not knowing if there would be a tomorrow & what would it be like.
It is nearly a year since this all began and I look back with a view so distant and unfamiliar, with eyes attached to a different body & mind.  I have changed, completely, physically & psychologically.
Life has this way of putting the greens on the plate & when we refuse to eat what is good for us, we seem to miss out on desert. Maybe the hardest lessons are really the most simple, yet our minds are so overwhelmed with wants we can't see what we truly need, what is good for us.
I didn't notice a lot of things back then, I was too busy making plans, revising the one I had, sticking to it & failed to see so much else going on around me.
I'd like to think that moment, that night of intense fear, anxiety & life changing was the best opportunity life has given me. It was an impact moment, a catalyst for change. 
The other evening I was in the supermarket, out of all the many people I found myself in an isle next to a young woman & right at one moment we locked eyes.  It was the most unusual experience, words are limited to describe.
The young woman was around 19yrs of age; wearing an oversized old man's jacket, thongs on her feet, appeared underweight & her hair you could see had the potential to grace shampoo commercials, was slightly matted, oily and wanting of t.l.c. I noticed she was searching through loose change, standing by the UHT milk section.  It was a freezing cold night and she was shivering.  She had the most beautiful cheekbones underneath pale skin and at that moment when she looked at me I truly felt a pain that did not belong to me, a sadness radiating from her eyes and I began to become emotional, I could feel tears, yet they didn't feel like my tears. 
I quickly turned away & looked in the other direction, yet when I turned back she was again looking at me. I noticed in my basket I had a 3lt fresh milk bottle, some hair products, fresh vegetables and I was wearing my ski jacket, despite it being the north coast & no snow, it was warm & a beautiful jacket.  I had on warm boots & a pair of jeans I had recently purchased; some makeup & my hair had been treated to the curling iron & some frosted tips. 
When I realised I tried to look again & she was gone.  I wanted to give her the money for the milk and more. I wanted to ask if she needed a ride anywhere.  I know some of you who know me are wondering what was I thinking.  I cannot explain this only to say right then at that moment I felt a saddness that has lingered with me since then.
I went home & told my daughter about what had happened and even trying to recount the experience, through a glance which may have lasted only a few moments I could feel so much, how could I not have seen this so many times before?
I've seen saddness, the depths of despair and emotions from a side of humanity many will never see; yet this was different, this was raw & it was like I could feel her pain.
Is it possible?
I could feel loneliness, her loneliness.
Earlier the year I had a similar experience & throughout my life I've had experiences with friends & family where instinctively despite miles in between I knew something was not right & my instincts never failed me. It's the quiet voice inside from the depths of something greater than science can define, something which I believe we carry, all of us.  Too often it is suppressed by greed, anger, hate, the emotions which are unique to human beings.
There have been times a connection with another person has changed the way I see the world, feel the world & want to be in the world.  I've seen these experiences as a gift. Some of them you may consider tragic, terrifying, even painful; yet to me they were moments in my life I came to a crossroad & I had to choose which way to go next.
I can remember a young woman once, similar to that young lady above.  I was talking with her about attachment, her experiences as a child of being held, touched and supported.  I had not long finished Dr Bruce Perry's book 'The boy who was raised like a dog' & seeking an understanding of what had brought this young person to such a tragic outcome.  The young woman expressed confusion over the questions "what do you mean" & truly she did not understand what was mean't by my questions.  The young woman had no cuddles, no love, no affection reciprocated in a positive and healthy attachment building form.  How could a human being possibly grow & discover the joy of human connection if they have never been part of a healthy connection with anyone? Immediately the Dr Perry's story of the foster carer who takes in both a mother and her new baby came to bind. The carer would hold & comfort both the child & the parent; with a belief they were both in need & it was not too late to provide the missing connection in order to prevent the cycle from continuing.  This amazing woman shared her gifts of reciprocated love with her own children & passed it forward to many more.
This morning I answered a response on the 'Beinspired' page in relation to one persons search for answers about when will life begin, what is the new beginning, what will it be, how will it look.
I do not have those answers for anyone else. I do know with total conviction, when you listen to the quiet voice in your heart, the voice of longing, telling you what to do, who to seek out, the voice of reason, of compassion, kindness and love, there is a power within us many have tried to define in books like 'The Secret' & 'The Intention Experiement'. We have the power to manifest our thoughts into reality.  To bring into our life opportunities to change, yes be careful what you ask for. 
No I don't mean you asked for abuse, for suffering.
I know I was thinking about that time last year lots about not having dinner with my children, racing out the door early, the Nanny spending more time with them at critical times than I was. Carrying the concerns of not coming home & sending them to someone elses home while I'd be away for a few days, working, working, working.  I was thinking about needing more time with them, how could I make it happen.
Well it did happen, just not in the form I thought!!!
As we grow older, wiser, we are capable of making much better choices, of thinking more powerful thoughts, dreaming big.  If your dreams aren't big then they are not dreams!
Life is now, right now and you can choose to begin it anytime.
All around us every single day are blessings, are we fortunate.
We are the sum of all our experiences good and bad, the sum of all the choices we make, our choices.
If you are waiting for life to hand you a road map with directions on where to go and what to do, who to speak with along the way, what treasures to collect and discard, you will miss the greatest of opportunities to live, truly live! What are you capable of? Ever asked yourself....if I really gave life 150% what could I create?
Imagine getting up every morning & breathing in life.  Imagine getting up in clean crisp sheets, warm blankets & embracing the morning.  Imagine switching on the kettle, using the power trickling through your home & making yourself a morning cuppa, rugged up in slippers and a warm gown or pj's & finding a seat somewhere to contemplate the day.  You turn on the shower & the water is hot, the shower wash is soft & smooth against your skin & you enjoy every moment of the 5 minutes without interruption before the children are up & filling your morning with conversation.  You are not alone, your home & life is filled with people, love & living.
The life you have, is by pure genetic chance you were born into the family, the country, the situation you experience right now.  You have contributed to this life by the choices you've made, some thrusted upon you, some made in haste, some you may regret! Oh regrets are wasted! Believe me.  What you did then & what you will do will be different, experience is a wonderful gift :) If you are not happy where you are right now, what the hell are you doing? Do you have a plan for change? Why not? You were given life, go live it, damn it!
Why are millions of women & men around the globe making one woman a millionaire with the astronomical sales of the soft mummy porn book 'Fifty Shades of Grey', given the writing is ordinary? Why.....it reminds us all of passion, extreme passion, abandonment, what people are willing to give, sacrifice and experience when they embrace who they are, life and all that is can give & take away.  Why are people so afraid to talk about sex? Why are so many people turning to the erotic tales of a young couple in a bestseller to remind them they are human beings, they can create life, they can be passionate, they can choose a different way to love, a more adventurous & exciting reciprocated passion with a partner who wants every moment with them.
A short while ago I read a few pieces on Bettina Arndt's 'The sex diaries' & 'What men want in bed' http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au/ .
From a psychological perspective relationships are complicated and incredibly interesting & i'm yet to decide if this is a direction I would like to take my career.
How can a couple live together for over 20years with no or limited intimacy? How can two people make a committment, express & vow love for each other, yet lack trust, honesty, respect and the ability to share one of the most beautiful & exciting parts of a relationship?
OK....you don't need to be genius to realise men & women need & desire different things? What if you learned what that was? Who are you to assume that love & passion only comes in the way you imagine it? What if it was more.....oh so much more.....  Obviously there are millions of readers out there wanting & creating more given the feedback, talkshow domination of FSOG series!

We can choose to embrace life, to be grateful for all the rewards we are given, the simple pleasures, the miracles, the love we are surrounded by.  We can choose gratefulness. We can choose no matter where we are & what we are experiencing, people can take so much from us, life can take too much, it cannot ever take our thoughts, our imagination, our dreams, our hopes! It cannot take who we are.

Today is Sunday.  The kids are sleeping in, I've already had a few cups of tea, thinking about a run, some yoga and inspired by a gorgeous talented creative friend, going to pick up a paint brush & create a little magic.  I have choices.
In the last year I have made the most amazing friends.  I discovered yoga! I discovered fitness! I discovered my body & mind are close friends & I need to nurture that relationship everyday.
I discovered I can let these experiences break me or make me. 
I can repeat a daily mantra to myself of "Dear Past, thank you for the lessons......Dear Future I am ready" thank you Jacleen Allen for this! 
I can can slow down & breathe in & out; inhale everything life has on offer, exhale only that which is of no purpose to moving me forward, inhale & release, inhale & release.
I've noticed in my yoga sessions when I inhale & then exhale during a difficult position I gain more flexibility.  Laying across my legs, my posture slightly tight at the beginning, then inhale & exhale, I slowly over 10 breathes I am laying completely flat over my legs.  With every exhale I gain more movement, more flexibility.
Get rid of the crap everyone! Exhale!!!! Stop holding your breathe waiting for life to give you a way out or a way in.  Grab life with both hands and say this is my day, my week, my year and I am going to give back x10 fold.  I am alive, I have everything I need right here right now & I am capable of anything I put my mind to.
What are you passionate about? Why are you not living your passion daily?
What do you love? What makes you feel warm & fuzzy inside?

I learned this year to ignore rational thinking at times, though I in hindsight I believe it is more the ego Eckhart Tolle speaks of in his books.  I made conscious decisions to go with the here & now, to give freely even when there was nothing in return, to love with abandonment, to not give up on myself or others. To dream big & big I have dreamed!

What are dreams worth if not to bring into reality?

What is love in our hearts if not to be shared?

If you are tightly holding someone or something in your hands how can you possibly embrace anything else? How can you call it love if you are holding someone back from being the best they can be.  Love has no limits or boundaries.
What happened as a child if you caught a gorgeous butterfly in a container all because you wanted to capture its beauty & never let it go, so you, only you could enjoy it, just you.  What happened to that butterfly? Where is it now?
We are not made to possess or capture each other, to hold back from all we are mean't to be.  When we embrace, share, give and love, there is a passion which radiates like a glow in our soul, we are rich every day for it.
A few years ago I participated in a compacting challenge.  It required not purchasing for several months.  Only needs e.g. food, petrol etc.  It required if something came up, a need etc like whilst I ran out of paint, to link in with others & seek out from someone else who wasn't using it, didn't need it & could even swap for something they were short on; to reduce waste on the planet, to recycle and leave a softer footprint.
What if we could love like this? Live like this?
What if it were not only in relation to material possessions?
What if one day in the supermarket you had $5 remaining in your purse & the person in front was searching for loose change & you freely paid for their milk?
Some years ago I was juggling a baby on the hip, children by the hand & fumbling for change to pay for photocopying at the library.  I must have looked a bit frazzled & this gorgeous woman from behind said "i'll do that" & paid my photocopying.  I was a little taken back at the time, I hadn't had that experience before.  There was something familiar about the lady & yet I couldn't put my finger on it at the time.  A gentleness I'd known before & she looked at me in the same way.
Later that day I was out at the cemetry laying flowers for my son, then I realised the woman was the mother of a friend who had died when I was younger, our birthdays were only a few days apart, he died following his 21st birthday in an accident.  We had become friends after that & chatted for hours.  I just wanted to be there for her at that time when so many people didn't know what to say & didn't come around.  I know that feeling now.
All those years & time had passed.
Why does life give us those connections? Who are we to question the power of the Universe? How much will we never understand?
There are opportunities to make life gentler, to ease life for others on a daily basis.
What if today you started to be part of a change, instead of part of the problem? What if we started a ripple effect by creating a world of people who decided to give instead of take? What if you loved unconditionally? What if you listened to the strength & voice of your heart, you need to listen carefully as it whispers softly.  What if it was speaking to you & ignorance, arrogance and fear was silencing it all this time?
What could you be capable of discovering about life if you only listened to your heart?
We all have amazing skills, talents, creativity, love, passion, things which make us who we are.  What if we gave away freely our love, we expected nothing in return, if we shared our wisdom, without expectation?
The last 12 months have taught me, what having my home ransacked, being targeted day in & out by persons so angry with a decision I made they felt it their life purpose to take as much from my life as they could; what losing years of paintings I'd created, losing treasures I'd kept, the dinner set my parents had collected for me, each piece on a birthday or special occasion; what this experience, what losing my son to cancer, my sister's death, my marriage not working, all these life changing experiences have shown me, is this is my life, they are me! The scars, the smiles, the tattoos, they are all me! 

I do not minimise the pain these experiences bring or the struggles to endure them, nor suggesting life is easy. I am not where you are right now.
I wish I could hug you all, everyone of you & make life a little easier, for now I have my words, to inspire you to damn it....get up! Grab life & create everything you wish it to be, make your dreams come alive, light a spark in the dreams of others.
Life is beginning today, right now, here for you.  All that is in the past will not change, it is locked & sealed in history; your history. A history your were part of, a history which has shaped you, it has not defined you!

Life is beginning today, for you, right here right now. 
All that is in front is up to you.
Go forward today & breathe in life, breathe! Exhale the crap, the bits that when you got down in the crap some of it stuck to you...flick it off, scrub it off if you need to.
Stand in front of the mirror, create a mantra to yourself to keep you going, to keep you inspired, chant it everyday to yourself. 
Tell yourself you have everything it takes to go forth now! What you will do is take on whatever life has to throw your way, catch it & tell the rest to get the hell out of the way, you are on a journey.
You are going to meet the most incredible people, they will touch you, move you & change you.  Let them.  Let them live their lives, be their moment in time & then keep going.  Whatever is mean't to be, will be, time, distance and life will not stand in the way of who you are, who you are destined to be.
Start living your bucket list!
Start living your dreams!
If you cannot financially or physically make it happen today, get out the paper, the magazines, the internet & create a visual reminder of where you are going, inspire yourself every single day.  This is your own intention experiment.
If you want to be there, then visualise it, feel it, touch it, make it happen.
People will come in and out of your life for either a season or a reason, they need you & you need them, we each give off energy, we radiate a presence to each other & to ignore it will see you wondering why years down the track you are getting the same experience in a different form.  You are your own vehicle of discovery.
Get out there & have the adventure of your LIFE! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I’m going to let you in on a secret, passed down by generations of members of the ‘Mean Mothers Association’.  Many attempts have been made to convert non members, many attempts have failed.  We are the parents of children you sometimes say “oh I wish I had it that easy” (oh if only J ), the ones who slog their guts out at home instilling values and a strong moral compass only to score little points in the community of socially judgemental parenting, as apparently our children were blessed with the ‘easy’ gene during conception! We are also the ones who cancel appointments, leave early and make cirque de soleil look like a play in the park.

We are the ones you may not hear from days, weeks at a time.  We tend to bunker down, re-load and put in the hard yards when we can.  When we know better, we do better & sometimes basically we just don’t know, that is when we go underground & seek out more ‘mean mothers’ to bring up the rear and point us in the right direction. We are the “I don’t know how she could do that” ovaries brigade, the “I’m leaving now..bye” and we actually leave. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. We don’t buy into fads & labels for the sake of ‘keeping up’ & we wear the results, the tanties and the benefits; we hug lots, laugh more and love always.

So it’s time I let you in on a little secret. You cannot make a child change their behaviour.  Teacher’s, bless them, well actually not all of them, some of them, and know this to be true. There have been many attempts to rule the child with an iron fist, the slap of a ruler and the sting of a cane.  Yet a bit like the underground resistance movements of most wars, they can and will learn to fear you, yet it will do little to put them on the path you want them to be, even dreamed of, gossiped about and lied for; they’ll work out your weakness and play it to the hilt.  If you are an enabler you haven’t got a hope in hell, you’d better off surrendering.

Yes it’s true; you cannot make a child change their behaviour.  Yet....wait... you can change yourself.

That is it, really.  Presto, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

It really comes down to physics, down to human nature and our capacity to adapt to our environment, cause and effect, yin and yang.   We learn to change and modify our behaviour in relation to what and who is happening around us.  Let’s not over read miracle cures into this, it is after all about positive change whilst growing healthy, happy, compassionate individuals into adults, it’s about hard work.  Think the Tasmanian devil in the Roadrunner cartoons, spinning out of control in a boxing ring! Now believe me if you step into that ring to shape up, you better have had your Wheaties & probably a few Valium or you’ll be eaten alive.  If you want to change your child, change yourself.  Stay out of the ring!

Oliver James take’s a humorous poke at parenting in his awesome read ‘They F*** you up”   http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/they_f_you_extract.html throws the cat amongst the child development theoretical pigeons suggesting it is not a nature vs nurture issue, it is not about genes and a lot more about environment and how this impacts on the development of the human being.

“It makes no sense at all for us to emerge from the womb predetermined to react to our particular bit of the world with specific personalities or talents or mental illnesses. It would be far more logical, in evolutionary terms, to be born flexible, wide open to the influence of parents and upbringing, because each family setting, each social class and each society requires a different response in order for the individual to thrive. The child must attract the interest and love of its parents, and genes could not anticipate the precise traits best suited for achieving this any more than they could prefigure the particular demands of class and culture — demands that can rapidly change, as the social trends of the last fifty years illustrate.”

Bursting your bubble? Then go on and read ‘Toxic parents’ and let Susan Forward assure you we can and we do screw it up.  It’s a hard reality pill to swallow, many throw it back up, some take it to the roof of their mouth & spit it back out once the coast is clear. I’m driving in the car, the light goes red before I need it to, “damn........” and double damn it’s a ‘P’ plater” followed by a few not so well chosen adjectives (how is it the light always goes red when you are in a hurry?).  Some weeks later, not in any rush at all, we come to a halt at the traffic lights & my little personal biological recording device strapped in the safety harness of the backseat, repeats word for word the previous weeks rant at the lights!

This is not about being perfect, it’s not about even getting it right.  There is no right and there is not perfect.  There is no one-way. It’s about coming to the realisation we do not stop evolving at 18, we do not have all the answers and whilst children are forced to be institutionalised into a flawed education system, we too need educating until the day our heart ceases to beat.  Only when we choose to use the fully developed frontal lobe you are entrusted with to find better ways to parent, will the magic appear. That is the miracle of the positive attitude, the positives find you.

It’s as basic as the old “don’t hit your brother” statement as the hand is raised and a stinging slap of an adult with bigger biceps than the child’s head, strikes the backside of 3 year old caught off guard. 
Now I’m definitely not advocating do as I do, do as I say.  Well actually yes do as I say mostly, the basics of respecting your parents, yet that is one confused child whose parents want them to have the highest scores in every class, yet spend every non-working moment in the recliner glued to a plasma or the “don’t fucking swear at me” statements........I can’t even go near that one!

It is about environment, it is about us, we are the environment; it is about what goes on around them & we have the keys to the vehicle. 

Have I raised my voice, damn right I have! Have I used a swear word! Yep and I drive a car, drink alcohol and carry the weight of all adult responsibilities, why? Because I’m an adult that is why! Now go to your room while I consider the consequences..... Oh sorry forgot I was talking with you all, having a momentary flashback.  That is right, you are the adult.  Negotiations are for politicians, police officers and business deals.  We are parents, we don’t negotiate.  We make the hard decisions, we follow through. We are far from perfect; we are still part of a process of evolving ourselves.  There is no instruction booklet and why? What person in their right mind has the time, the patience and the experience to write a booklet to tell all adults raising children exactly about your child; you’d need a new edition for every birth! Think of the paper!

In 1970 David & Phyllis York started the first ‘Tough Love’ group in the US http://www.toughlove.org.au/ .  Sadly for the Yorks, yet to the world’s benefit, it took many years for the Yorks (drug and alcohol specialists & family therapists) to see the writing on the wall for their daughter and it hit like a brick when she was arrested for armed robbery and incarcerated.  Finally they could see the private schools, riding lessons, giving, giving and giving, was not the way.  Only then did they realise their own limit and what they would and would not tolerate. What is ‘tough’ about the Tough Love set up, is it is not about emotions, it is not about getting in that ring, it’s about behaviour, changing yours and your child will change theirs.

Tough love is for tough parenting.  You cannot expect to look like Mr US and eat more junk food than your organs can process.  Parenting is no different.  You want results, you do the work.  It is hard, damn hard.  It will hurt, there will be tears (mostly yours) and there will be days when it would be so much easier to just make the bed for them, than to get out the drill, pull apart the bed, and put the mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a wardrobe, yet if you had only documented how many times you repeated the request “if you don’t clean your room...” “if you don’t put away your clothes.....” you may as well have been speaking to a brick wall if you do not intend to follow through on the consquences.

I have to say I am privileged to be surrounded by amazing tough ‘mean’ mothers.  I coin the term ‘mean’ as referred to by a 5yr old when you’ve asked them to pack up their toys before moving to the next strike zone.  Amazing, courageous parents who by experience, instinct and skill know when to make the hard choices, to step back and step up and when enabling is out and responsibility is in.

Believe me, there is nothing more painful or soul wrenching to realise as a parent you don’t have all the answers.  Yet come on how should we know? If you want anything in life; career, sport, creativity etc, you need to learn it, practice it and continue to develop it.  Why is it with parenting so many people believe all the answers are in their ability to link a sperm and an egg and produce a human being? Then there are those who have not even experienced this little pleasure which even requires little effort J yet believe a few sensationalised dramas, magazine articles and talk back shows is enough to suffice.

Some of your answers could be found in the rise of the parenting program ‘World’s strictest parents’.  How could it possibly be all about genes? If  the child is born ‘bad’ ‘wild’ ‘disrespectful’, then how can you take the child out of the environment and into another, where there is no negotiating, there is logic and rationale thinking, there is consistent love & see rapid changes, to some successes even a different child. That is not my signature approval of the program, a sensationalised look at young people who turn themselves around only to be placed back in the same environment which hasn’t changed at all!

Life is all about choice & consequences.  It’s the reality.  You can live it or hide from it, you can embrace it or ignore it, whatever you choose, the consequences belong to you.  You want fitness, then start working out, you want a different life, then start doing the hard yards.  You want children who respect themselves, respect you and take responsibility for their actions, start making the hard choices, take off the yellow stripe, stand up and be the adult they need.

I am in awe of the friends and family who time and time again demonstrate this theory works.  The ones who not only use the word ‘no’, they know the tone, time and purpose of using it.  The ones who say ‘the buck stops with me, here, right now’ and they get on with it. The friends and family I love my children to spend time with. They can see the child in children, the young adult in the young person. Even with a diagnosis, they have the foresight to make the changes needed to give their child the best possible chance.

A few weeks ago a friend relayed a story of making a ‘York’ type choice, to draw the line in the sand. The bar was set and it followed with heartache, tears and worries (the parent of course!).  Yet three days later with her tail between her legs the child returned, with more respect for herself, her family and turned her life around.  It takes courage to make a stand as a parent, to have clear mind and purpose about what legacy you want to pass to your children.  It doesn’t mean it will work instantly, there are no quick fixes.

No one said it was easy (thanks Coldplay), no one is saying it will happen in 3 days, 3 years or when it will happen.  Yet if you give up, then you can’t be there to celebrate every change along the way. 

Professor Matt Sanders talks about parenting as having a information ‘vacuum’ and his Triple P Parenting programs as leading the way in providing solutions. In 1992 the Queensland University, now world renowned Triple P parenting education program http://www.triplep.net/files/pdf/Parenting_Research_and_Practice_Monograph_No.1.pdf was born and continues to provide both preventative and restorative educational programs to support parents in their quest for better parenting, in changing their own behaviour and therefore altering their child’s.

Neurologically the frontal lobe does not fully develop in males until the mid 20’s, the females in late teens. Yet I’ve lost track at how many times I hear parents talk about their expectations of their children and young persons and disappointed when “they just don’t get it”. It will take persistence, encouragement and constant reinforcement of the good values, morals and choices you make as a positive role model to your children before both of you ‘get it’.

As I said to a friend the other day why if you were male would you go to a gynaecologist, your brain is no different.  Why would you seek expert advice from someone who does not only specialise in human behaviour, they don't even specialise in children! Speak with your GP by all means, yet the are a 'generalist' practitioner, they are not a psychologist, a counsellor or psychiatrist.  If you need to talk children, go to a paediatrician, if you need to talk mental health, seek a mental health professional. Then to complicate matters I'm going to suggest go with your gut instinct.  Afterall every single professional, regardless of their field is a human being with their own judgements, experience and skill, some come from completely different theoretical foundations.  So it is likely you could see 5 of the same professionally qualified persons and all will have a completely unique approach.  One of the most widely unrecognised and mis-diagnosed neurological concerns with children is post traumatic stress.  Time and time ago children are being over medicated and serious, complex traumas go unattended when a misinformed specialist treats only the childs behaviour.  Those of you I know whose children have diagnosed medical conditions will know the behaviour is consistent in all domains.  Somehow too many professionals fail to ask this simple question.

Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, Director of the ‘Young and Well Cooperative Centre’ http://www.yawcrc.org.au/ is a well known child and adolescent psychologist in Melbourne and author of the book ‘Princess Bitch face Syndrome’.  I listened to Dr Carr-Gregg speak on changing children’s behaviour in the home, on routine daily challenges and it was certainly a life changing moment for my children! Dr Carr-Gregg recalled a time when his children ignored his plea to pick up their mess in the kitchen, reduce mobile phone use, and complete chores (the list goes on). The strategies he chose included; putting the rubbish they ignored into their son’s bed (yes this one works!), why should others have to live in a mess only the young person was happy too! Mobile phones in freezers and restriction of rewards...yes no going out!

Yes some of these type of strategies and those described by ‘tough love’ parents like that for an adolescent girl who refused to get out of bed and continued slamming the bedroom door and locking it, so the mother took out her drill & removed the hinges and the door and when that didn’t work, decided to water her garden under her daughter’s window right at the same time she should have been out of bed! or the young adolescent male who strayed into drugs and commenced selling off his parents belongings to fuel his habit, until the parents packed up all their belongings, leaving only essentials and put it all into storage.  These parents are not enablers.  They love their children and they make the choice to change their behaviour in order to change their child’s.

I don’t have all the answers. I do know cuddles work wonders, saying love you every night heals wounds and being squished to the edge of the bed on a windy night are worth a smooth run house the next morning. I do know who we are tells our story, I am intrigued by human behaviour and how one can learn and predict a great deal about children by knowing their primary carers.  I do know the pain of losing a child and I appreciate every gift, every one, the hard ones, the challenges, the disagreements, the laughs, the mess, and the hugs. I don’t have an answer to fix your immediate needs, yet I have two ears, I like to listen and I have a wicked sense of humour (it’s a mean mother’s survival tool). I’m with you, on this journey of parenting, I’m learning, I’m educating myself, I’m allowing my children to teach me.

In the words of CG Jung above my desk at work and home “If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is something that could better be changed in ourselves”, the reminder to look in the mirror from time to time.