The adventure of your life

For many of you who know me personally, you are aware the last year has been bumpy to say the least.  The uncertainty of living life and not knowing what will occur from one day to the next has been life changing.  Not the hardest or most painful of experiences in my life, yet certainly the most disturbing, intrusive and disruptive. 
Life has this way of finding opportunities right at inconvenient times.  Just when we think we are on track; I had the 5 year plan well & truly underway, it was all happening.  Then 'bam' the rug came out from underneath & in one swift move, no home, no car, no work & the uncertainty of not knowing if there would be a tomorrow & what would it be like.
It is nearly a year since this all began and I look back with a view so distant and unfamiliar, with eyes attached to a different body & mind.  I have changed, completely, physically & psychologically.
Life has this way of putting the greens on the plate & when we refuse to eat what is good for us, we seem to miss out on desert. Maybe the hardest lessons are really the most simple, yet our minds are so overwhelmed with wants we can't see what we truly need, what is good for us.
I didn't notice a lot of things back then, I was too busy making plans, revising the one I had, sticking to it & failed to see so much else going on around me.
I'd like to think that moment, that night of intense fear, anxiety & life changing was the best opportunity life has given me. It was an impact moment, a catalyst for change. 
The other evening I was in the supermarket, out of all the many people I found myself in an isle next to a young woman & right at one moment we locked eyes.  It was the most unusual experience, words are limited to describe.
The young woman was around 19yrs of age; wearing an oversized old man's jacket, thongs on her feet, appeared underweight & her hair you could see had the potential to grace shampoo commercials, was slightly matted, oily and wanting of t.l.c. I noticed she was searching through loose change, standing by the UHT milk section.  It was a freezing cold night and she was shivering.  She had the most beautiful cheekbones underneath pale skin and at that moment when she looked at me I truly felt a pain that did not belong to me, a sadness radiating from her eyes and I began to become emotional, I could feel tears, yet they didn't feel like my tears. 
I quickly turned away & looked in the other direction, yet when I turned back she was again looking at me. I noticed in my basket I had a 3lt fresh milk bottle, some hair products, fresh vegetables and I was wearing my ski jacket, despite it being the north coast & no snow, it was warm & a beautiful jacket.  I had on warm boots & a pair of jeans I had recently purchased; some makeup & my hair had been treated to the curling iron & some frosted tips. 
When I realised I tried to look again & she was gone.  I wanted to give her the money for the milk and more. I wanted to ask if she needed a ride anywhere.  I know some of you who know me are wondering what was I thinking.  I cannot explain this only to say right then at that moment I felt a saddness that has lingered with me since then.
I went home & told my daughter about what had happened and even trying to recount the experience, through a glance which may have lasted only a few moments I could feel so much, how could I not have seen this so many times before?
I've seen saddness, the depths of despair and emotions from a side of humanity many will never see; yet this was different, this was raw & it was like I could feel her pain.
Is it possible?
I could feel loneliness, her loneliness.
Earlier the year I had a similar experience & throughout my life I've had experiences with friends & family where instinctively despite miles in between I knew something was not right & my instincts never failed me. It's the quiet voice inside from the depths of something greater than science can define, something which I believe we carry, all of us.  Too often it is suppressed by greed, anger, hate, the emotions which are unique to human beings.
There have been times a connection with another person has changed the way I see the world, feel the world & want to be in the world.  I've seen these experiences as a gift. Some of them you may consider tragic, terrifying, even painful; yet to me they were moments in my life I came to a crossroad & I had to choose which way to go next.
I can remember a young woman once, similar to that young lady above.  I was talking with her about attachment, her experiences as a child of being held, touched and supported.  I had not long finished Dr Bruce Perry's book 'The boy who was raised like a dog' & seeking an understanding of what had brought this young person to such a tragic outcome.  The young woman expressed confusion over the questions "what do you mean" & truly she did not understand what was mean't by my questions.  The young woman had no cuddles, no love, no affection reciprocated in a positive and healthy attachment building form.  How could a human being possibly grow & discover the joy of human connection if they have never been part of a healthy connection with anyone? Immediately the Dr Perry's story of the foster carer who takes in both a mother and her new baby came to bind. The carer would hold & comfort both the child & the parent; with a belief they were both in need & it was not too late to provide the missing connection in order to prevent the cycle from continuing.  This amazing woman shared her gifts of reciprocated love with her own children & passed it forward to many more.
This morning I answered a response on the 'Beinspired' page in relation to one persons search for answers about when will life begin, what is the new beginning, what will it be, how will it look.
I do not have those answers for anyone else. I do know with total conviction, when you listen to the quiet voice in your heart, the voice of longing, telling you what to do, who to seek out, the voice of reason, of compassion, kindness and love, there is a power within us many have tried to define in books like 'The Secret' & 'The Intention Experiement'. We have the power to manifest our thoughts into reality.  To bring into our life opportunities to change, yes be careful what you ask for. 
No I don't mean you asked for abuse, for suffering.
I know I was thinking about that time last year lots about not having dinner with my children, racing out the door early, the Nanny spending more time with them at critical times than I was. Carrying the concerns of not coming home & sending them to someone elses home while I'd be away for a few days, working, working, working.  I was thinking about needing more time with them, how could I make it happen.
Well it did happen, just not in the form I thought!!!
As we grow older, wiser, we are capable of making much better choices, of thinking more powerful thoughts, dreaming big.  If your dreams aren't big then they are not dreams!
Life is now, right now and you can choose to begin it anytime.
All around us every single day are blessings, are we fortunate.
We are the sum of all our experiences good and bad, the sum of all the choices we make, our choices.
If you are waiting for life to hand you a road map with directions on where to go and what to do, who to speak with along the way, what treasures to collect and discard, you will miss the greatest of opportunities to live, truly live! What are you capable of? Ever asked yourself....if I really gave life 150% what could I create?
Imagine getting up every morning & breathing in life.  Imagine getting up in clean crisp sheets, warm blankets & embracing the morning.  Imagine switching on the kettle, using the power trickling through your home & making yourself a morning cuppa, rugged up in slippers and a warm gown or pj's & finding a seat somewhere to contemplate the day.  You turn on the shower & the water is hot, the shower wash is soft & smooth against your skin & you enjoy every moment of the 5 minutes without interruption before the children are up & filling your morning with conversation.  You are not alone, your home & life is filled with people, love & living.
The life you have, is by pure genetic chance you were born into the family, the country, the situation you experience right now.  You have contributed to this life by the choices you've made, some thrusted upon you, some made in haste, some you may regret! Oh regrets are wasted! Believe me.  What you did then & what you will do will be different, experience is a wonderful gift :) If you are not happy where you are right now, what the hell are you doing? Do you have a plan for change? Why not? You were given life, go live it, damn it!
Why are millions of women & men around the globe making one woman a millionaire with the astronomical sales of the soft mummy porn book 'Fifty Shades of Grey', given the writing is ordinary? Why.....it reminds us all of passion, extreme passion, abandonment, what people are willing to give, sacrifice and experience when they embrace who they are, life and all that is can give & take away.  Why are people so afraid to talk about sex? Why are so many people turning to the erotic tales of a young couple in a bestseller to remind them they are human beings, they can create life, they can be passionate, they can choose a different way to love, a more adventurous & exciting reciprocated passion with a partner who wants every moment with them.
A short while ago I read a few pieces on Bettina Arndt's 'The sex diaries' & 'What men want in bed' http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au/ .
From a psychological perspective relationships are complicated and incredibly interesting & i'm yet to decide if this is a direction I would like to take my career.
How can a couple live together for over 20years with no or limited intimacy? How can two people make a committment, express & vow love for each other, yet lack trust, honesty, respect and the ability to share one of the most beautiful & exciting parts of a relationship?
OK....you don't need to be genius to realise men & women need & desire different things? What if you learned what that was? Who are you to assume that love & passion only comes in the way you imagine it? What if it was more.....oh so much more.....  Obviously there are millions of readers out there wanting & creating more given the feedback, talkshow domination of FSOG series!

We can choose to embrace life, to be grateful for all the rewards we are given, the simple pleasures, the miracles, the love we are surrounded by.  We can choose gratefulness. We can choose no matter where we are & what we are experiencing, people can take so much from us, life can take too much, it cannot ever take our thoughts, our imagination, our dreams, our hopes! It cannot take who we are.

Today is Sunday.  The kids are sleeping in, I've already had a few cups of tea, thinking about a run, some yoga and inspired by a gorgeous talented creative friend, going to pick up a paint brush & create a little magic.  I have choices.
In the last year I have made the most amazing friends.  I discovered yoga! I discovered fitness! I discovered my body & mind are close friends & I need to nurture that relationship everyday.
I discovered I can let these experiences break me or make me. 
I can repeat a daily mantra to myself of "Dear Past, thank you for the lessons......Dear Future I am ready" thank you Jacleen Allen for this! 
I can can slow down & breathe in & out; inhale everything life has on offer, exhale only that which is of no purpose to moving me forward, inhale & release, inhale & release.
I've noticed in my yoga sessions when I inhale & then exhale during a difficult position I gain more flexibility.  Laying across my legs, my posture slightly tight at the beginning, then inhale & exhale, I slowly over 10 breathes I am laying completely flat over my legs.  With every exhale I gain more movement, more flexibility.
Get rid of the crap everyone! Exhale!!!! Stop holding your breathe waiting for life to give you a way out or a way in.  Grab life with both hands and say this is my day, my week, my year and I am going to give back x10 fold.  I am alive, I have everything I need right here right now & I am capable of anything I put my mind to.
What are you passionate about? Why are you not living your passion daily?
What do you love? What makes you feel warm & fuzzy inside?

I learned this year to ignore rational thinking at times, though I in hindsight I believe it is more the ego Eckhart Tolle speaks of in his books.  I made conscious decisions to go with the here & now, to give freely even when there was nothing in return, to love with abandonment, to not give up on myself or others. To dream big & big I have dreamed!

What are dreams worth if not to bring into reality?

What is love in our hearts if not to be shared?

If you are tightly holding someone or something in your hands how can you possibly embrace anything else? How can you call it love if you are holding someone back from being the best they can be.  Love has no limits or boundaries.
What happened as a child if you caught a gorgeous butterfly in a container all because you wanted to capture its beauty & never let it go, so you, only you could enjoy it, just you.  What happened to that butterfly? Where is it now?
We are not made to possess or capture each other, to hold back from all we are mean't to be.  When we embrace, share, give and love, there is a passion which radiates like a glow in our soul, we are rich every day for it.
A few years ago I participated in a compacting challenge.  It required not purchasing for several months.  Only needs e.g. food, petrol etc.  It required if something came up, a need etc like whilst I ran out of paint, to link in with others & seek out from someone else who wasn't using it, didn't need it & could even swap for something they were short on; to reduce waste on the planet, to recycle and leave a softer footprint.
What if we could love like this? Live like this?
What if it were not only in relation to material possessions?
What if one day in the supermarket you had $5 remaining in your purse & the person in front was searching for loose change & you freely paid for their milk?
Some years ago I was juggling a baby on the hip, children by the hand & fumbling for change to pay for photocopying at the library.  I must have looked a bit frazzled & this gorgeous woman from behind said "i'll do that" & paid my photocopying.  I was a little taken back at the time, I hadn't had that experience before.  There was something familiar about the lady & yet I couldn't put my finger on it at the time.  A gentleness I'd known before & she looked at me in the same way.
Later that day I was out at the cemetry laying flowers for my son, then I realised the woman was the mother of a friend who had died when I was younger, our birthdays were only a few days apart, he died following his 21st birthday in an accident.  We had become friends after that & chatted for hours.  I just wanted to be there for her at that time when so many people didn't know what to say & didn't come around.  I know that feeling now.
All those years & time had passed.
Why does life give us those connections? Who are we to question the power of the Universe? How much will we never understand?
There are opportunities to make life gentler, to ease life for others on a daily basis.
What if today you started to be part of a change, instead of part of the problem? What if we started a ripple effect by creating a world of people who decided to give instead of take? What if you loved unconditionally? What if you listened to the strength & voice of your heart, you need to listen carefully as it whispers softly.  What if it was speaking to you & ignorance, arrogance and fear was silencing it all this time?
What could you be capable of discovering about life if you only listened to your heart?
We all have amazing skills, talents, creativity, love, passion, things which make us who we are.  What if we gave away freely our love, we expected nothing in return, if we shared our wisdom, without expectation?
The last 12 months have taught me, what having my home ransacked, being targeted day in & out by persons so angry with a decision I made they felt it their life purpose to take as much from my life as they could; what losing years of paintings I'd created, losing treasures I'd kept, the dinner set my parents had collected for me, each piece on a birthday or special occasion; what this experience, what losing my son to cancer, my sister's death, my marriage not working, all these life changing experiences have shown me, is this is my life, they are me! The scars, the smiles, the tattoos, they are all me! 

I do not minimise the pain these experiences bring or the struggles to endure them, nor suggesting life is easy. I am not where you are right now.
I wish I could hug you all, everyone of you & make life a little easier, for now I have my words, to inspire you to damn it....get up! Grab life & create everything you wish it to be, make your dreams come alive, light a spark in the dreams of others.
Life is beginning today, right now, here for you.  All that is in the past will not change, it is locked & sealed in history; your history. A history your were part of, a history which has shaped you, it has not defined you!

Life is beginning today, for you, right here right now. 
All that is in front is up to you.
Go forward today & breathe in life, breathe! Exhale the crap, the bits that when you got down in the crap some of it stuck to you...flick it off, scrub it off if you need to.
Stand in front of the mirror, create a mantra to yourself to keep you going, to keep you inspired, chant it everyday to yourself. 
Tell yourself you have everything it takes to go forth now! What you will do is take on whatever life has to throw your way, catch it & tell the rest to get the hell out of the way, you are on a journey.
You are going to meet the most incredible people, they will touch you, move you & change you.  Let them.  Let them live their lives, be their moment in time & then keep going.  Whatever is mean't to be, will be, time, distance and life will not stand in the way of who you are, who you are destined to be.
Start living your bucket list!
Start living your dreams!
If you cannot financially or physically make it happen today, get out the paper, the magazines, the internet & create a visual reminder of where you are going, inspire yourself every single day.  This is your own intention experiment.
If you want to be there, then visualise it, feel it, touch it, make it happen.
People will come in and out of your life for either a season or a reason, they need you & you need them, we each give off energy, we radiate a presence to each other & to ignore it will see you wondering why years down the track you are getting the same experience in a different form.  You are your own vehicle of discovery.
Get out there & have the adventure of your LIFE! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I’m going to let you in on a secret, passed down by generations of members of the ‘Mean Mothers Association’.  Many attempts have been made to convert non members, many attempts have failed.  We are the parents of children you sometimes say “oh I wish I had it that easy” (oh if only J ), the ones who slog their guts out at home instilling values and a strong moral compass only to score little points in the community of socially judgemental parenting, as apparently our children were blessed with the ‘easy’ gene during conception! We are also the ones who cancel appointments, leave early and make cirque de soleil look like a play in the park.

We are the ones you may not hear from days, weeks at a time.  We tend to bunker down, re-load and put in the hard yards when we can.  When we know better, we do better & sometimes basically we just don’t know, that is when we go underground & seek out more ‘mean mothers’ to bring up the rear and point us in the right direction. We are the “I don’t know how she could do that” ovaries brigade, the “I’m leaving now..bye” and we actually leave. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. We don’t buy into fads & labels for the sake of ‘keeping up’ & we wear the results, the tanties and the benefits; we hug lots, laugh more and love always.

So it’s time I let you in on a little secret. You cannot make a child change their behaviour.  Teacher’s, bless them, well actually not all of them, some of them, and know this to be true. There have been many attempts to rule the child with an iron fist, the slap of a ruler and the sting of a cane.  Yet a bit like the underground resistance movements of most wars, they can and will learn to fear you, yet it will do little to put them on the path you want them to be, even dreamed of, gossiped about and lied for; they’ll work out your weakness and play it to the hilt.  If you are an enabler you haven’t got a hope in hell, you’d better off surrendering.

Yes it’s true; you cannot make a child change their behaviour.  Yet....wait... you can change yourself.

That is it, really.  Presto, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

It really comes down to physics, down to human nature and our capacity to adapt to our environment, cause and effect, yin and yang.   We learn to change and modify our behaviour in relation to what and who is happening around us.  Let’s not over read miracle cures into this, it is after all about positive change whilst growing healthy, happy, compassionate individuals into adults, it’s about hard work.  Think the Tasmanian devil in the Roadrunner cartoons, spinning out of control in a boxing ring! Now believe me if you step into that ring to shape up, you better have had your Wheaties & probably a few Valium or you’ll be eaten alive.  If you want to change your child, change yourself.  Stay out of the ring!

Oliver James take’s a humorous poke at parenting in his awesome read ‘They F*** you up”   http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/they_f_you_extract.html throws the cat amongst the child development theoretical pigeons suggesting it is not a nature vs nurture issue, it is not about genes and a lot more about environment and how this impacts on the development of the human being.

“It makes no sense at all for us to emerge from the womb predetermined to react to our particular bit of the world with specific personalities or talents or mental illnesses. It would be far more logical, in evolutionary terms, to be born flexible, wide open to the influence of parents and upbringing, because each family setting, each social class and each society requires a different response in order for the individual to thrive. The child must attract the interest and love of its parents, and genes could not anticipate the precise traits best suited for achieving this any more than they could prefigure the particular demands of class and culture — demands that can rapidly change, as the social trends of the last fifty years illustrate.”

Bursting your bubble? Then go on and read ‘Toxic parents’ and let Susan Forward assure you we can and we do screw it up.  It’s a hard reality pill to swallow, many throw it back up, some take it to the roof of their mouth & spit it back out once the coast is clear. I’m driving in the car, the light goes red before I need it to, “damn........” and double damn it’s a ‘P’ plater” followed by a few not so well chosen adjectives (how is it the light always goes red when you are in a hurry?).  Some weeks later, not in any rush at all, we come to a halt at the traffic lights & my little personal biological recording device strapped in the safety harness of the backseat, repeats word for word the previous weeks rant at the lights!

This is not about being perfect, it’s not about even getting it right.  There is no right and there is not perfect.  There is no one-way. It’s about coming to the realisation we do not stop evolving at 18, we do not have all the answers and whilst children are forced to be institutionalised into a flawed education system, we too need educating until the day our heart ceases to beat.  Only when we choose to use the fully developed frontal lobe you are entrusted with to find better ways to parent, will the magic appear. That is the miracle of the positive attitude, the positives find you.

It’s as basic as the old “don’t hit your brother” statement as the hand is raised and a stinging slap of an adult with bigger biceps than the child’s head, strikes the backside of 3 year old caught off guard. 
Now I’m definitely not advocating do as I do, do as I say.  Well actually yes do as I say mostly, the basics of respecting your parents, yet that is one confused child whose parents want them to have the highest scores in every class, yet spend every non-working moment in the recliner glued to a plasma or the “don’t fucking swear at me” statements........I can’t even go near that one!

It is about environment, it is about us, we are the environment; it is about what goes on around them & we have the keys to the vehicle. 

Have I raised my voice, damn right I have! Have I used a swear word! Yep and I drive a car, drink alcohol and carry the weight of all adult responsibilities, why? Because I’m an adult that is why! Now go to your room while I consider the consequences..... Oh sorry forgot I was talking with you all, having a momentary flashback.  That is right, you are the adult.  Negotiations are for politicians, police officers and business deals.  We are parents, we don’t negotiate.  We make the hard decisions, we follow through. We are far from perfect; we are still part of a process of evolving ourselves.  There is no instruction booklet and why? What person in their right mind has the time, the patience and the experience to write a booklet to tell all adults raising children exactly about your child; you’d need a new edition for every birth! Think of the paper!

In 1970 David & Phyllis York started the first ‘Tough Love’ group in the US http://www.toughlove.org.au/ .  Sadly for the Yorks, yet to the world’s benefit, it took many years for the Yorks (drug and alcohol specialists & family therapists) to see the writing on the wall for their daughter and it hit like a brick when she was arrested for armed robbery and incarcerated.  Finally they could see the private schools, riding lessons, giving, giving and giving, was not the way.  Only then did they realise their own limit and what they would and would not tolerate. What is ‘tough’ about the Tough Love set up, is it is not about emotions, it is not about getting in that ring, it’s about behaviour, changing yours and your child will change theirs.

Tough love is for tough parenting.  You cannot expect to look like Mr US and eat more junk food than your organs can process.  Parenting is no different.  You want results, you do the work.  It is hard, damn hard.  It will hurt, there will be tears (mostly yours) and there will be days when it would be so much easier to just make the bed for them, than to get out the drill, pull apart the bed, and put the mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a wardrobe, yet if you had only documented how many times you repeated the request “if you don’t clean your room...” “if you don’t put away your clothes.....” you may as well have been speaking to a brick wall if you do not intend to follow through on the consquences.

I have to say I am privileged to be surrounded by amazing tough ‘mean’ mothers.  I coin the term ‘mean’ as referred to by a 5yr old when you’ve asked them to pack up their toys before moving to the next strike zone.  Amazing, courageous parents who by experience, instinct and skill know when to make the hard choices, to step back and step up and when enabling is out and responsibility is in.

Believe me, there is nothing more painful or soul wrenching to realise as a parent you don’t have all the answers.  Yet come on how should we know? If you want anything in life; career, sport, creativity etc, you need to learn it, practice it and continue to develop it.  Why is it with parenting so many people believe all the answers are in their ability to link a sperm and an egg and produce a human being? Then there are those who have not even experienced this little pleasure which even requires little effort J yet believe a few sensationalised dramas, magazine articles and talk back shows is enough to suffice.

Some of your answers could be found in the rise of the parenting program ‘World’s strictest parents’.  How could it possibly be all about genes? If  the child is born ‘bad’ ‘wild’ ‘disrespectful’, then how can you take the child out of the environment and into another, where there is no negotiating, there is logic and rationale thinking, there is consistent love & see rapid changes, to some successes even a different child. That is not my signature approval of the program, a sensationalised look at young people who turn themselves around only to be placed back in the same environment which hasn’t changed at all!

Life is all about choice & consequences.  It’s the reality.  You can live it or hide from it, you can embrace it or ignore it, whatever you choose, the consequences belong to you.  You want fitness, then start working out, you want a different life, then start doing the hard yards.  You want children who respect themselves, respect you and take responsibility for their actions, start making the hard choices, take off the yellow stripe, stand up and be the adult they need.

I am in awe of the friends and family who time and time again demonstrate this theory works.  The ones who not only use the word ‘no’, they know the tone, time and purpose of using it.  The ones who say ‘the buck stops with me, here, right now’ and they get on with it. The friends and family I love my children to spend time with. They can see the child in children, the young adult in the young person. Even with a diagnosis, they have the foresight to make the changes needed to give their child the best possible chance.

A few weeks ago a friend relayed a story of making a ‘York’ type choice, to draw the line in the sand. The bar was set and it followed with heartache, tears and worries (the parent of course!).  Yet three days later with her tail between her legs the child returned, with more respect for herself, her family and turned her life around.  It takes courage to make a stand as a parent, to have clear mind and purpose about what legacy you want to pass to your children.  It doesn’t mean it will work instantly, there are no quick fixes.

No one said it was easy (thanks Coldplay), no one is saying it will happen in 3 days, 3 years or when it will happen.  Yet if you give up, then you can’t be there to celebrate every change along the way. 

Professor Matt Sanders talks about parenting as having a information ‘vacuum’ and his Triple P Parenting programs as leading the way in providing solutions. In 1992 the Queensland University, now world renowned Triple P parenting education program http://www.triplep.net/files/pdf/Parenting_Research_and_Practice_Monograph_No.1.pdf was born and continues to provide both preventative and restorative educational programs to support parents in their quest for better parenting, in changing their own behaviour and therefore altering their child’s.

Neurologically the frontal lobe does not fully develop in males until the mid 20’s, the females in late teens. Yet I’ve lost track at how many times I hear parents talk about their expectations of their children and young persons and disappointed when “they just don’t get it”. It will take persistence, encouragement and constant reinforcement of the good values, morals and choices you make as a positive role model to your children before both of you ‘get it’.

As I said to a friend the other day why if you were male would you go to a gynaecologist, your brain is no different.  Why would you seek expert advice from someone who does not only specialise in human behaviour, they don't even specialise in children! Speak with your GP by all means, yet the are a 'generalist' practitioner, they are not a psychologist, a counsellor or psychiatrist.  If you need to talk children, go to a paediatrician, if you need to talk mental health, seek a mental health professional. Then to complicate matters I'm going to suggest go with your gut instinct.  Afterall every single professional, regardless of their field is a human being with their own judgements, experience and skill, some come from completely different theoretical foundations.  So it is likely you could see 5 of the same professionally qualified persons and all will have a completely unique approach.  One of the most widely unrecognised and mis-diagnosed neurological concerns with children is post traumatic stress.  Time and time ago children are being over medicated and serious, complex traumas go unattended when a misinformed specialist treats only the childs behaviour.  Those of you I know whose children have diagnosed medical conditions will know the behaviour is consistent in all domains.  Somehow too many professionals fail to ask this simple question.

Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, Director of the ‘Young and Well Cooperative Centre’ http://www.yawcrc.org.au/ is a well known child and adolescent psychologist in Melbourne and author of the book ‘Princess Bitch face Syndrome’.  I listened to Dr Carr-Gregg speak on changing children’s behaviour in the home, on routine daily challenges and it was certainly a life changing moment for my children! Dr Carr-Gregg recalled a time when his children ignored his plea to pick up their mess in the kitchen, reduce mobile phone use, and complete chores (the list goes on). The strategies he chose included; putting the rubbish they ignored into their son’s bed (yes this one works!), why should others have to live in a mess only the young person was happy too! Mobile phones in freezers and restriction of rewards...yes no going out!

Yes some of these type of strategies and those described by ‘tough love’ parents like that for an adolescent girl who refused to get out of bed and continued slamming the bedroom door and locking it, so the mother took out her drill & removed the hinges and the door and when that didn’t work, decided to water her garden under her daughter’s window right at the same time she should have been out of bed! or the young adolescent male who strayed into drugs and commenced selling off his parents belongings to fuel his habit, until the parents packed up all their belongings, leaving only essentials and put it all into storage.  These parents are not enablers.  They love their children and they make the choice to change their behaviour in order to change their child’s.

I don’t have all the answers. I do know cuddles work wonders, saying love you every night heals wounds and being squished to the edge of the bed on a windy night are worth a smooth run house the next morning. I do know who we are tells our story, I am intrigued by human behaviour and how one can learn and predict a great deal about children by knowing their primary carers.  I do know the pain of losing a child and I appreciate every gift, every one, the hard ones, the challenges, the disagreements, the laughs, the mess, and the hugs. I don’t have an answer to fix your immediate needs, yet I have two ears, I like to listen and I have a wicked sense of humour (it’s a mean mother’s survival tool). I’m with you, on this journey of parenting, I’m learning, I’m educating myself, I’m allowing my children to teach me.

In the words of CG Jung above my desk at work and home “If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is something that could better be changed in ourselves”, the reminder to look in the mirror from time to time.

Be part of the change

There is a global change happening & you are part of it! Yes you...whether you know it or not. There is a movement to change the world from the inside out, to stop contributing to the exploitation of suffering, to own our role in being the change we want to see in the world.

Either you are taking part, watching it happen, exploiting it or part of the universal voice saying 'we've had enough'. Everyday billions of people are sharing information, what will you share?

Will you be part of that which contributes to the desire for more? More money, more you, more time, more family or will you be part of the movement to be the difference, to change the world from the inside out? What is your contribution? What part will you play? Will you slow it down? or will you step up?

When was the last time you listened? to your heart, your voice, your actions, your friend, your family, a child....your soul, when you listened and said absolutely nothing! Hearing is a physical capacity many are blessed with, listening is a skill many never achieve. When was the last time you tapped into the quiet voice inside you that speaks the moment before you say something you wish you could take back, the soft voice which reminds you try one more time, the voice which knows the difference between what should be done and is done. The voice sometimes drowning from your bitterness, anger and frustration, stop projecting your pain onto others, that is not the solution & they have their own.

Yes talk about it, by all means reach out, get it off your chest, don't carry that weight you are lugging from day to day, it is weighing your down. Yes talk about it, with people who can direct you towards positive change, stay clear of those who belittle, befriend, bring you down and feed the negativity so much your weight increases.

Do you go to bed dreaming about what could be and wake up with a new plan? Do you go to bed dreaming about what should have happened and wake up with regrets. Does your body ache from the saddness of missed opportunities?

The body is the barometer of the soul. Your body, the one that takes you through every experience, every life changing moment, it is your only constant. Your body, the one you take to work, to holidays, to parties, to every moment you experience. What is your barometer reading? Pain, saddness, bitterness, anger, frustration? Happiness, joy, love, confidence, courage? How do you nurture your body and therefore nuture your soul? Is it tired and worn down or alive with passion and excitement? Stop punishing and start rewarding your body for everything it has done for you, given you; every place it has taken you, moments that take your breathe away. Nothing is more beautiful, more sexy than a body that radiates life!

Who is going to change this? Who will be the difference? YOU and only YOU. You are the change. What are you willing to do to make this change? What risks will you take? How hard can you persist? Will you give up? Never ever give up!

Sometimes it's damn hard, sometimes you will have to exhaust all efforts to know you need to try one more time. There will be times you may not feel strong enough, wise enough, brave enough. You have everything you need right there inside you. If you are breathing, you have what you need, go and get the rest! If you wait for someone to bring it to you, you risk waiting until the end of your days.

Stop with the excuses, stop with the blame, stop with the time wasting. Embrace who you are, stand naked in front of the mirror and get to know yourself, everything about you. Why is it that others can see more in you than you can see in yourself? Yes you have scars, you have them inside and out. Beauty is far from skin deep. A motivated, challenged, enthusiastic, driven person is not only beautiful it's hot! What is your mission in life? What legacy will you leave?

Take off those glasses, stand there in all you were born with, no money, no debt, no material possessions, nothing, just the body you came in. Who the hell are YOU and where are you going, then put your foot forward & get going! (Just remember to put your clothes back on first!)

Repeat after me "I can do anything I put my mind to" "I am amazing" "I have everything I need right here, right now" to create the change I need to be the person I am destined to be, the universe is calling and my hears are wide, I am listening.

Get a life people, the life you dream of, you create when you manifest your dreams into a vision. Take responsibility, practice the 3R's & be the difference - Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for your actions &"Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi

Are we still evolving

Despite what Jabara and Shaffer wrote about in 1979 it is not bloody raining men! For years beyond comprehension men knew their place, there was no sensitive side to get in touch with! Mind you the club & chest beating was replaced with more efficient and reliable tools, easily accessible with a credit card in one hand & a sausage sizzle on the way to purchase the heavily packaged gadget in the other, is it no wonder the biceps are smaller and the brain larger today than for neanderthals.

Confused? join the club & if you think the neurons are not doing their job of making sense of it or that was one too many Merlot you've had, don't go pop another benzo or prozac to ease the confusion, think about the trillions of males wandering aimlessly amongst the club bearing, chest beating feminists who with their new found deep voices felt compelled to speak on behalf of all women of the world when it came to changing our own light bulbs, working full time whilst standing on our heads, budget in one hand & giving birth, raising children in the other. I wonder if 'Mitochondrial Eve' 'mother of us all' could ever have envisaged leaping acacia trees in a single bound, scaling the savannahs for her own food with a baby strapped to her back whilst caveman Jo kicks back on the bear skin rug.

It is true, men are in crisis. Peter McAllister, God (whomever she is) bless him, did little to dispell the fact that men today are weaker, yes physically weaker than neanderthal woman by comparing the upper arm strength of world winning arm wrestling champions to the paleoanthropological evidence. Why is it that Aboriginal men 2000 years ago ran at speeds in excess of our top world record holders for the 100 metres today? It might be a guess.... yet could it be that the rectus femoris requires less effort to locate the remote control and the triceps require more stimulation than moisturising the ego to build, tone and support the evolutionary process? It is damning yet true, the science is painting a Pollack of a modern inadequate male.

Now I don't want you out there thinking i'm referring to nerds, emo's and westies, not on your life. Let's get serious about this, I have no doubt that Homo Erectus never even contemplated Viagra. I'm talking about the metro-centric insensitives who need to pack tissues, baby wipes and shaving rash cream as their essentials on a business trip, no not your office Christmas party, I mean tax funded war and that is just to look after their well carved legs.

Yes ok there are certainly some significant organic matters which have changed slightly; testerone today is still used for the same purpose it was then, flogging the crap out of each other. Only now we have moved from near naked hairy early man in unarmed combat, leader of the pack, save my land, pride and cave dwelling, to booze, gangs, weapons and women (I mean how can any male who flogs someone so vulnerable, call himself a man?), in the name of greed, power, oil and an unconcious need to find control in a world where men seem to have missed the boat here, they no longer have control.

Men are more likely to be retrenched, more likely to suffer depression, more likely to have mental health issues, are quick to anger, have less self control, sperm counts are down, motivation is down and charisma is down, I mean who the hell calls themselves 'Heathcliffe' today? The evidence could be considered humiliating, yet i believe it more apt to describe as devestating. I'm telling you girls, I don't know what fantasy you are living, my backside lifts off the comfort of the mattress at 0445 and doesn't see it again until sometime around 2300! Who needs to prove we can do it all, we know we can, that is why we were given the magic and patience to have our bodies stretched in excess of what is conceivable for 9months and the cognitive ability to take on more than we can naturally handle.
We can juggle, it is what we do. Australopithecus afarensis or Lucy as the Beattles famed her with her diamonds in the sky, had a brain of a female child as would be known today. One could say her diet was to blame, I'd like to think we females knew then what seems to escape us today, whilst we can do it all, why would you want to? Lucy did what she had to do and did it well. Who needs a brain that doesn't sleep, that is so over stimulated with lists, responsibilities and goal orientated tasks that the only way to make room for more processing is to spend less time with the people who need us the most. From the dawn of time through to the well articulated posited hierarchy of needs of Abraham Maslow, human beings need to belong, we need to connect. Our planet is not coming apart, we are. We are more distant from each other today than any other time in history. Medical evidence predicts this will be the first time in our lives where our children will have a life expectancy less than our own, come on gals was the battle to win it all worth it?

I've said it before & happy to point the finger again, too much t.v., mags and networking telling women what they want & what they need, with no bloody explanation as to where men go in all of this. I mean for goodness sake, dresses, yes dresses have been banned from my daughter's school as impractical. So heaven forbid despite NSW Board of Studies reporting gender is identified as a cross curriculum focus, they are allowing the removal of gender orientation choice and decision making. I have a girly girl and a not so girly girl and one goes to school where dresses are banned and the other where they are compulsory, is no bloody wonder children need to inhale more prozac today than adults! I truly don't believe this is what Coco Chanel had in mind when she discovered women could wear the pants if they should choose, I don't remember her saying throw in the steal cap boots, peak cap and drugs to grow hair on your chest.

I've raised two sons and two girls, married a man, have a father, a brother, uncles, nephews; so fair to say I've had my fair share of experience with modern males and that is not including exposing myself to the opposite sex before I chose to settle down. It dawned in the fading of my sarcasm the other day that I am single not because I refuse to date a drug affected, recently incacerated, violent male, I'm single because good men are on the decline at epidemic rates, intimidated by the evolved woman who can do all, be all and is all.

Men need us to step back ladies, step back. There are no lines to draw, the vision ahead is completely a travesty. Men no longer know who they are because they are waiting for women to tell them how they need to be, when, for how long and what to wear whilst they are working it out. Stop raising sons who can't button their own shirts, wipe their own backsides or have a hissy fit when they get dirt under their nails, start looking deep into the abyss we've created and look at the emptiness in our lives as men, true men, are absent. Grab that pendulum by the ball as it swings and hold it still, breathe in and let go of the control ladies, let him be who he was destined to be and celebrate if not with him, in a world you create, where freedom is not a luxury its a human right and that includes males. The freedom to make mistakes, the freedom to have a life outside of you. Having a family is not a colour by number portrait with rules and obligations, and I know some of you will have an unsigned hidden contract in the bedside table of who does what, when and why; family is about belonging, its about connections, if you and he need to give up more than 1% of who you are to be 50% of together, then the cost is too high and whether we want to shout it from the roof tops or not, men are paying the price.

One could say the missing link has the answers that somewhere in between homo sapiens and homer the only thing men retained is their appetite :) We have 'reconsidered' our origins as Richard Leakey documented, yet I suggest you pick up Peter's book, male and female of all walks of life and look at the evidence before as, look around you, stop asking "why can't he just...." and ask yourself how did he get there. In my lifetime alone, the media has sold us Conan, Ben Hur and then super heroes in lycra or martini drinking, tuxedo wearing smoothies and OMG then they gave us Tom Cruise!

Now again don't go over analysising, I can do the hard work for you, i'm somewhere in between a feminist post-structuralist and a hippie. I like a mix of the voice of Manu Fieldel, the charisma of Sean Connery, the brain of Nelson Mandela and Obama, with the maleness of G.I. Joe before the ugly obsession in muscularity, where right under our noses each generation of G.I Joe lovers, never knew his biceps became bigger on every new addition, to fit in with what the plastics believed we wanted to see. So given Barbie had a similar non-discreet increase, is it any wonder we are less connected today when being told we need breasts and biceps that do not allow for human contact when they are basically too damn big!

Stop obsessing, be who you are, love who you are and find someone you can love in their journey of discovering themselves and forging their own path in history. Men it is time to wake up, time to be a MAN, the man Darwin envisaged when he hypothesised the evolutionary process. Adaption did not mean learning from the likes of Jim Carey's 'Yes' man. You may be stronger than the men of 50 years ago and there is no need to go laying the blame for where it all started :), just not stronger than the ones before that and well, I too could have muscles that big what the crap you need to put into your body just to think you are strong.

Just remember Homo neanderthalensis and Homo Erectus sustained doing their thing over 2-3 million years. Real men do not hit women, real men protect their children, real men need to bond with real men, need to to say what they have to say without interruption ladies! When you are thinking the path of the modern male, think Beckham, think, cool, smooth, toned, Calvin wearing underwear and then....... well listen to him talk. Come one ladies we are creating the sissy-boys, you don't need disneyland Dads, we need real men. I'd go for grape feeding, milk bathing, Hercules in a uniform over a metrosexual any day. So that is where I'm leaving it, with an image forged in my mind, as modern life would have us believe, if we can dream it, we can see it, if we can see it than we can be it......well there are always dreams :)

LOve is it real or just a Disney concept ?

This has been a pet irritation of mine for some time. We are brought up on the idea that we find the love of our life, eyes meet, we kiss, we connect & live happily ever after - I mean you would have to be living in fantasy land to believe in this stuff....right ? Like I dare you to send me a story of a princess that has kissed the man of her dreams in some unpredictable movie like moment & lived happily every after....go on dare you !!
For women its if we just meet our mans needs, give him what he wants, let him believe he is the most important God forsaken person on the planet he will be happy......????? & we will feel "complete" WRONG Mr Cruise !!!
I've had a week, no a month, actually half a lifetime of it. Don't get me wrong...I love a chick flick like any other dreamer, but love..... what is love really ? If we listened to the writers, producers & actors, first you meet, then you dislike each other, then you realise your mistake, then you fight dragons & wars of half a lifetime, (not forgetting you miraculously keep your sexy good looks & trim taut physique throughout the many years that follow...this is afterall a fairytale) & after wasting most of your life aching for that one 'true love' you find them just in time for the death us do part section.
What is it about love, the OMG of some ridiculous lyrics that I am so over at present I turn off the radio to stop hearing it ? Is it the stuff that makes you go weak at the knees that good marketing would have you believe ? or is it that I have discarded faith & hope & replaced it with cynicism & contempt ? There is no denying human beings have more than a few weaknesses, one of which has made millions for cartoon fantasy movie writers & producers by selling the Abraham Maslow message that we each need to feel connected, a sense of belonging, to feel safe & loved to feel worthwhile....why?
Does that mean if we are unloveable, independent & fail to connect with our special someone we are hopeless ? may as well be written off ? or need to spend copious amounts of money in having a happily married til death do us part psychologist tell you what you need to change...whose only concept of heart break is the crusts weren't cut off their packed lunch that morning.
Nietzsche stated 'What doesn't kills us makes us stronger' - if this be true, then why aren't my biceps bigger ?
There are millions of books written on how to love, how to get the person of your dreams, how to change yourself, be a better person, be the person you are looking for....oooooh please, why can't we be OK the way we are (well some of us anyway)? It takes years to form these habits, to be as annoying as this...why change now ? :)
Maybe it truly is love that requires luck to keep many people hanging out to find what connects them to all that is good in their lives ? What if it is only once & what if we miss it ? What if they never feel the same ? Bugger ........ there is always writing to Juliet Capulet & waiting for one of her secretaries to tell you what you already know !
Love should be reserved for the committed, the dedicated, its a treasure, a gift, not everyone is fortunate to receive, why should it be wasted on people who toss it aside like brussel sprouts on a plate ? How many millions, no make that trillions of people each year ache for not knowing what it is like to be loved or to have truly loved with all your heart ? How many of those same people feel the same the following year ? When Noah said in the Notebook the best we can hope in all our life is to have loved someone with all your heart.....I loved this quote, yet thought my God only a man could say this - what is the point of giving all of yourself to someone who doesn't give it back ? Wouldn't the quote have been more disney like if it were that the gift in life is to be loved by someone with all their heart ? Maybe its late & this is all getting a bit wishy washy for me....What happened to respect ? Trust ? loyalty ? honesty ? compassion ? understanding ? committment ? ......Is love just an emotion, & most of the time a wasted one at that. Does it makes us stronger ? weaker ? more vulnerable ? If your heart breaks does it mend ?

What the romantic he meets her stories don't tell you, what we hear little about is the love so great, so overwhelming that without it life is not worthwhile. A love born of a beginning & seeks no end, a love simple & uncomplicated, the touch of a hand, a smile. Some years ago I read the story of an old headstone in a graveyard in the US, a friend had seen it, this massive mother like angel holding a child in her arms towering over all the other headstones, I wish I could find the picture to put up, the wings were awesome, casting a shadow across the grounds....my friend decided to visit the local library to research its history. The headstone marked the graves of a mother & child, the child had drowned accidentally at only a few years old & the mother some months later, sicken with grief, stopped eating, stoped living, her emptiness never filled & she died of 'melancholoy' her heart had stopped beating, it was broken. At the time my son was on treatment for cancer & I read this & felt a fear deep within that our time was coming & how would I live beyond these moments. How would I let go. My heart did break & it has never repaired, it broke again several times that year, my sister died in the same 12 mth & my marriage fell apart, it too never repaired.

When I was younger I thought having your heart broken was the most painful of all lifes experiences, I was right & yet I was wrong. Nothing has ever compared to the grief of losing a child. I learned I did not have to let go, that once you love, you can choose to keep it there, tucked inside forever, that I did not have to let go of the happiness, of the laughter & to answer all my previous questions, yes love makes you vulnerable & weak & strong & sometimes when your heart breaks, that place where you store your love, sometimes it doesn't mend. This is real love, not the romantic notions etched on movie screens & fiction....this is the earth shattering, keep you awake at night love & maybe there are many of you thinking well she just hasn't found the right one yet...maybe you are right, part of me is hoping you are right, the other is thinking there only so many times you can break the one thing & you need to have all the pieces to be able to put it back together...maybe I did have that once & maybe I lost that as well & maybe some pieces are just gone ? Maybe I've stopped believing ?

So I'm going to take a break from romantic chick flicks & fairytales & live in the moment & I hope you can prove me wrong...but I won't hold my breathe.

One final note....On the drive home the other day after being interstate for a few weeks, my daughter asked "how do you make wishes come true Mummy...." I had to think of a logical reason for a 4 yr old & found myself stating "you just have to ,wish them long enough & hard enough & believe in them too"........What it would be like to be 4 again ?

I know life will be better when I have..... more stuff ?

Clive Hamilton posed the question in his 2005 book 'Affluenza' when will we have enough? This week I confirmed I will participate in a compacting challenge. I have agreed for the next 3 months to not purchase any new products, other than those essential items e.g. food and petrol etc. I can however barter, trade, buy used and heaven forbid...go without !
It doesn't seem a lot to be asking does it? Yet it begs to question why is it in my lifetime our houses are twice as big today as they were 40 odd years ago..... yet we have less children in them ? Why do we now need outdoor kitchens rather than a hot plate and a few bricks to ask a few friends over? In one arena we have the rapidly contagious affluenza and in the other climbing rates of depression, substance abuse, violence, all whilst living in one of the most obese nations in the world. At this rate our communities are literally consuming the world to its and our death.
I have always had difficulty understanding the concept of working harder to make more money to buy more things, live in bigger houses, buy more cars and have less time with your children, only to find yourself out of a job due to work related stress and physical illness. Its simply ludicrous.
As Stephen King once said “...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” The need to have more, to accumulate more stuff is a monster. The haunting voices of the need to fit in and drives people to max out credit cards, develop gambling addictions and at worst commit crimes to have more, more money, more things, more status....more is society in despair.
The irony of this is the faster the monster grows, the less the person really has spiritually, the greater the chasm between themselves and their children, the less they connect with huamnity and more with consumption overload, sinking into the deep abyss of more and more stuff!
Some buy for a new colour, a new shape, a new style, to keep up with friends, family and society at large, driving the consumer lifestyle and squeezing the life out of our communities, forming the foundations for claims the lifestyle of Victorians cannot be sustained into the near future. As the banking industry used in its recent marketing to increase spending, there will be no inheritance for our children, there will be nothing to inherit, without a shift in consumer behaviour towards a more responsible committment to reduce, reuse and recycle.
A few years ago I was driving out west with my husband to the 10th year of my sisters death. My family and I had decided to have a get together and mark the occasion by celebrating her life, rather than dwell on the sadness of her decision to take her own life 10 years prior. What had we learned in that 10 years about life? What did we learn from losing our sister? A woman with an IQ most would dream of, with the potential to be anyone, learn anything. Yet with all her stuff and I mean lots of stuff, this was a generous woman who after inviting us to attend a ball, brought home several dresses which she had purchased to choose from to wear, yet none of the glitter was enough. The year before her death we spent Christmas together, you could not see the flooring for the sea of wrapping and presents, all that stuff and yet so little happiness.
Four days later we arrived home and started plans to have a mammoth garage sale and whatever was remaining would go into storage whilst we packed up our children, headed north and took the long way home, around the entire coast of Australia. We purchased a second hand trailer and had it modified by our wonderfully talented boiler maker friend to accommodate our camping gear; home for the following months was a large 2nd hand canvas tent, providing enough space for each of us to have alone time & a kitchen/eating area to stay dry in the wet & out of the heat. We each had one small box each in which to pack treasures, books, a diary, some favourite things. Despite my husband and my own backpacking experiences, packing for five people, including three children to travel indefinitely, living on the road, amounted to more than we had anticipated. Following a stop over in Bundaberg with my parents, we off loaded a few unnecessary things (more stuff).
I was a different person back then, a shadow of who I have become today. By the time we had reached Cairns, we decided to purchase a smaller tent, no kitchen, no spare rooms, space for bedding alone. Gradually we spent less and less time indoors and more and more time combing beaches,learning local Aboriginal history & culture, hiking hills in the footsteps of Captain Cook, scouring vast empty plains for plants, animals (at times any life at all !). We needed less stuff and more of each other. Spending late nights reflecting on the day with friends we greeted along the way. Amazing as it was, we crossed three States, thousands of miles and bumped into the same family in four different locations, from one side of the country to the other.
So life changing this experience is that we went with minimal stuff, yet came back with less and more of ourselves. You couldn't buy an adventure training pack to find what we discovered about life, about ourselves. Life is not in things, it is in us, in our moments together, laughing, playing, hiking in 48 degree heat, sleeping in the car when the weather is too rough to put up the tent! Sitting back at night enjoying a sunset over Cable Beach 'the stairway to heaven', braving the soaking rain to grab a glimpse of the Apostles, knowing next time another one will have been taken by the sea.

Life is in the land, the sun, the stars, we are so intrinsically connected to nature, only through a symbiotic relationship can we learn to live with the land rather than off it.

It never mattered whether our towels matched or our doona covers clashed with the lining of our tent. It was more important to have time to sit and share our day with our new friends on the road and learn about this amazing country we call home.
We decided to settle in Victoria as we passed through on our way home to NSW, yet spent a few months without our things before they arrived, we were more excited to be reunited with our Jack Russell 'Millie' rather than our things !

I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard someone say "I know life will better when I have....." more money, another car, a bigger house, a plasma, when I don't have to work. Yet never realising all of these things, each one is a choice, we don't need any of it. No-one is suggesting you or I run off to join a buddhist society, yet ask yourself do you really need more if you already have one and nothing is broken or wrong with it ? Would you need a bigger house if you had less stuff? It is irony of the modern world, so many living in chronic poverty and affluence in the same neighbourhood. Ask yourself are you happy ? Are you living your authentic self ? or are you plagued with a self-generated pressure to keep up with rich and famous?

Everytime you purchase something, your choice has an impact on the sustainability of our plant. Think of the process it has taken to put it in your home. Take chocolate for example. A large percentage of the cocoa beans are farmed on the west coast of Africa, mostly using child slave labour, even the Fair Trade chocolate. Children are stolen/abducted from their families across the border in Ghana and herded like a commodity to cocoa farms to ensure the farmers can remain in the competitive market. The children earn nothing, attend no school and have no contact with their family. A market driven by western trade and production companies. This is the human side, then there is the energy, waste and impact on the environment to bring the cocoa bean to the processing plants, the manufacturing, the transport again to the retailers, the individual and bulk wrapping and packaging. Who generates this market....we DO ! Buying fish from the supermarket is no longer a means of sharing in local produce, with Barra from Thailand and fruit lasting less than a few days after weeks of sitting in bulk freezers.

Australia is one of the worlds highest producers of waste, up there with Denmark and the US, with individuals estimated at producing approximately 700kg of waste annually. There was talk Sydney having run out of landfill to excessive consumption, considered using empty mines near Goulburn, spreading its carbon footprint even further !! Our societies are driven by wants more than our needs. Yet studies conducted on Australia's excessive relationship with consumption revealed most Australian's feel they do not earn enough to meet all their needs. Australian's state they buy to feel more contented, to 'fit in', yet continue to feel a deep emptiness and so buy more.

The issue of 'affluenza' is not only an environmental issue it is both a psychological and social issue, the ramifications of this long term increase in obsessive purchasing is leaving dysfunctional communities riddled with mental health disorders, creating family breakdown and less hope of the individual progressing to self actualisation as Maslow had posited in his hierarchy of needs, without some connection to humanity not material posessions and without first fostering a sense of self, a healthy, well adjusted self.

Its simple really, stop consuming ! There is no denying children grow and their needs change, yet so are millions of others. I began ebaying years ago and more than happy with my choices, not to mention my sales ! We decided to stop replacing broken/worn dinner sets and commenced using our vintage collections. Not only are they simply beautiful, the plates are much smaller and so we eat less. These are a few of the benefits from making a conscious decision to change our consumption behaviour. My lessons so far, I pass onto my children, to form sustainable habits for living into the futue, from not only my current compacting challenge, the changes to my lifestyle from learning we do not need stuff !

1. You don't need it, really you don't. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food on the table? This is what you need.
2. Stop buying ! Yes stop. Try it, you will be amazed. Don't even tempt yourself, stop receiving junk mail, stop browsing the malls, go to the park with your children, visit a friend.
3. Take stock. Do you need what you have? Do you have too much? How many of the same style of tops can one person have ? At the end of the day you can only wear one item at a time!
4. Get rid of it? Recycle, reuse. Clean house !
5. The more you buy, the more you do, the more work you have. Spend time doing the things that will give you joy, enrich your sense of self, volunteer, give back to your community, listen to your child read.
6. How often do you cook ? do you cook really from scratch, fresh vegies, no pre-packaged mixes & starter meals, tasted good home cooked meals - get with the program. Obesity is draining our health system. If you don't know what is in it, then don't eat it! You could do more for your children & save a fortune by eating more fruit & veg, no snack bars, dippy things or fruit sticks - real fruit, real food !
7. You don't have time ? Make it. Slow down, you don't need a big house, a big car, a new home makeover. Ask a young child what is that they really want from their parents and it has nothing to do with plug-ins or batteries !
8. Start spreading the word. Encourage recycle days with your local school or Kinder, donate your things to raise funds for more outdoor play equipment or improve the outside environments. Organise swap meets with your local playgroup. Look up the local Baby & Child markets in most States, take along your old things & come home with new wardrobe !
9. Walk - walk as much as you can. You might feel like a late Friday night snack, yet take the time to think of the impact of just jumping in the car to grab a chocolate bar !
10. Which brings me to my most important THINK ! We are supposedly the most intelligent species on the planet ( you have to wonder sometimes). Yet ask yourself what values do I pass onto my children, what is my legacy as they become adults and parents themselves. For my family we practice the 3 R's - respect for self, respect for others and Responsibility for your actions.

I look forward to hearing about your own experiences, own challenges and making the change, as in the inspiring quote by Ghandi "Be the change you want to see in the world".

The legacy of the grown ups

I can still remember the stillness of the eucalypt and the coolnees of a winter breeze, the loneliness of riding deep into the bush on a Sunday's morning, whilst most were still fast asleep. Only the clip...clop...echoed. It's amazing I remember any of this really as not long after this I was crushed under 1400 of equine flesh leaving a permanent white splatter like image across my brain, cracking the skull-cap protecting my brain against the asphalt, scary for those who don't know what they are looking at, uniquely interesting and pretty for others, for me its knowing that there will be somethings I can never remember, lost forever up until that day. I didn't find this out until years down the track when MRI was more widely used....bit of a fright at first for a parent of a child who has died from a tumour to see lots of little white dots across their brain ! I thank everyday not just for memory, for sensory development, the greatest of all human wonders. Our senses link us to our past, our moments of joy, of pain, of discovery, of learning. Our senses reconnect us, are the motherboards of our hardrives, they help us remember.

I continued to ride when my body repaired and the scars healed.. lost my nerve a little, in addition to my favourite jeans and singlet top (complete with glittered horse picture on front)...yes a singlet top...no wonder 25 years later and I still have a few physical scars!.. Yet never my passion for nature, animals and my greater interconnectedness to all living things. I managed to get back in the saddle again two years down the track in Sydney and the United Kingdom a short while later; when I smell leather it reminds me of boots, saddles and adjusting stirrups and fresh lucerne brings me back to when life was simple and solitary. I have been so blessed with the right mix of risk and safety, of nature and learning. Even the scars, each a lesson. Despite the long term impact, this was my journey and I own it.

I was reminded of this experience as I completed an article this week on early childhood education for sustainability, of our senses and our legacy of devolving sensory development from the ignorance and lack of active participation in nature and learning for our own children, the very real potential of a generation of children with biophobia.

There is a great deal of gloom and doom, we do not need the 'State of the World'reports to remind us, the media does well enoug...however, when our very own Commissioner for Sustainability and Environment states Victorian's consumption is at such a rate, with the current climate change predictions, this lifestyle of obsessive consumption, brought on by affluenza will not be sustainable into the near future for our children. Even predictions Victoria has a 'bio-diversity crises' on their hands has fallen on many deaf ears across the State, with anti-climate change advocates breeding in their small corners of the regions, claiming any endeavour to ensure education for sustainability is included in all curriculums from early childhood through to tertiary education, is a sign policy has become a cult-like practice and to 'leave children alone' 'let them be children' with the fear any such responsible action .....as fostering empathy in early learning for all living things, is an attempt by the current Federal government to remove their responsibility and indoctrinate children into becoming 'greenies'.

In the past few weeks during the early hours of each morning, tap tap tapping away at the keyboard, I have been overloaded by...... (not the predicted damage should we not change our self-centred wasteful consumption ways) and saddened by the visual image, the little white spots, the scar tissue already revealing itself of the thousands of acres lost to genetically produced seed farming, the acceptance (if not compulsory use) of synthetic turf across children's services, as if the lessons from treated pine wasn't enough, using a surface invented by the same company responsible for environmental disasters and owning of 85% of genetically modified seeds, learning how utterly stupid is the supposedly most intelligent species on the planet to allow a small group of remaining intelligent dedicated and humane people to battle against mobile phone manufactures to heed their pleas to reduce the mining of coltan in order to save what is remaining of near extinct mountain gorillas.

So widespread is the ignorance and apathy, right on our very doorsteps despite the travel brochure attempt in disguise as the learning framework (since many services tossed it aside for reading later) highlighting the vital need for nature in learning to ensure a reduction in negative brain development and poor health outcomes for children, somehow following its release across the State in May 2009, a few months later approval was given for a 120 place local service which opened, where the only pieces (and I mean pieces) of grass and rip rip wood chip is for the 11 hour a week Kinder program at the publicly visual end of the building. So for the other 4 rooms of toddlers, infants and "baby sat" 4-5 years olds, (as we all know in Gippsland childcare is "babysitting" and Kinder is "education" :) they will have to be happy with egg cartons with cotton wool, water and wheat seeds, hands, feet on the very surface which holds more chemicals than the treated pine...oooh buts its soft when you fall ! Did anyone ever read the many studies to look at injury rates or was it more about good marketing windfalls ? I wonder what patterns of memory will be stored as the synaptic responses gear up for the wonders of plastics and synthetics which burn like hell when you slide on them! As for smell...mmm have you ever put your nose up against the heated up play equipment in summer ?

Though speaking of marketing and wind, I hear LOHS consumers are on the rise, Lifestyle of the Health and Sustainbility aware, or would it be those who have evolved with a conscience? If the birds of the Galapagos sharpened their beaks to adapt to environmental conditions, what was it that motivated humanity to adapt to fitting more in their wallets than their brain ? Smaller hearts over bigger cars and houses ? or thinking more about winning money, than giving what they have to help those who have none!

Going, going gone....goes the fall of the auctioneers hammer, down on the State. Victoria the smallest state in the country and certainly not alone in its degradation of flora and fauna across the nation, yet the smallest state with the largest land clearing and population density - we can't afford to grow or consume more....its change or bust !

So for the skeptics, let's say if you are right, and the world is not heading towards a nasty downfall, with catastrophic effects, what have we to loose by tightening the belt, less spending, more recycling, less consumption, turning off the lights and just get rid of plastic bags altogether (at least if anything the marine life will be happier !). I mean how many mobiles can one person have ? how easy is it to recycle rather than increase the massive land fill which continues to weigh down this gorgeous country like an anchor to the center of the earth?. The scars tell a story of ignorance and apathy, culturally we have lost hundreds of indigenous languages and have a long way to go to balance the health, education and opportunities available equally to Australian Aboriginal families across this country and for Gippslanders alone, the return of the rivers to green and blue is a miracle if we consider the blood shed on this region throughout history and the melting mix of sulphur, carbon monoxide, nitrate dioxide, formaldehyde, toluene, xylene and benzene's into the atmosphere....no your partner or friend did not 'drop one' that's the eau du toilette of the Valley, with its double the State average of hospital admissions for respiratory conditions to accident and emergency each year.

There is a lot here to be fighting for, to be standing up, speaking out and not going down without a battle for. We are human, we make mistakes, acknowledging them is the first step to change. Have you ever seen the view from the top of Baw Baw? both in teeth chattering winter rugged up in your snow gear and in spring sipping a tea from the deck with a view across the region? Then there are the people. So many northerners commented to me "why would you go to the valley its like the deep south of the country"....yet you have to come here to see why. There is an honesty and realness about the lack of humility in this region, what you see is what you get. Peel back the layers, these are friends, family, this is our interconnectedness, it is what makes us who we are, we can't run from every man-made disaster, we must stand up and own it, then go forward. When we know better...we can and must do better.

This week I found myself linking back in with organisations and people I have lost contact with for nearly 13 years. Friends who shared in my anguish and frustration of the biggest battle of our lives, cancer. There are times I would prefer to remember swimming with horses in the river and camping out bush, moving the memory loss bar a little, rather than the second by second memory of saying to my husband "if the doctor sits down at the side of the bed to talk, its good, if he says lets go into another room, not so good" and then the doctor entered and minutes later we were finding out our 16 month old blonde curly blue eyed boy had a tumour in the middle of his brain 'tiger country' they called it. From that day on I can't smell hospital hand cleaning products without instantly being in that room, in a treatment room, hooking up to chemo, blood transfusions and saying goodbye.

The Children's Health and Environmental Coalition has evolved to something greater and thank goodness their voices are being heard. It never leaves your mind when you join a study to look at environmental pollutants, household products and their impact on child health and development, when you are asked if you use particular cleaning products, washing, gardening and emr generating products and wonder where there is smoke there is fire. It was many years before I purchased a microwave again, owned a mobile or used products with chemicals....slowly they crept back in and I weakened. So here I am again, throwing out the trash, recycling what I can and clearing out the emotions and stupidity of letting the ignorance in.

How much do we still not know, not because we don't have the knowledge or resources, because we can't know. A conspiracy theorist just like my Dad...I know....yet how many jobs would be lost by the cure of so many diseases? The World Health Organisation (WHO) reports 40% of the disease burden in the world is attributed to environmental causes...40 % - this is preventable for goodness sake!! Millions of children die every single year to environmental pollutants and disease attributed to environmental causes. How much money (the mind boggles) is tied up with the drugs, resource manufacturing to do with treating these diseases? How can we possibly be regarded as the smartest species on the planet when we create lifestyles to kill off our very own species and eradicate others from the face of the earth?

This isn't going to cost you anything to make a change, if anything it can save you a fortune, do you know how much it costs you to heat a home, yet if you just had an environmental audit, followed through on the recommendations or put sealing around windows/doors, you could save a fortune in $$$ let alone the impact on the environment.

Where to start. Go around your house now and turn off the lights....for goodness sake if it is daytime...turn off the lights, open the shades and ventilate/illuminate naturally.Stop buying. Yes stop it. You already have enough sheets, towels and clothes. Each year millions of tons of recycled items filter through the charity stores, not to mention the business boom on online sales of pre-used items, vintage is in, get with the program. If you have to buy, buy it local. Those big juice bright perfect tomatoes, they may look great, like a hollywood body filled with plastic and saline, yet they are not real tomatoes. Put in a vege garden, don't forget the environmental pollutants so think carefully and think organic, get a compost, worm farm, let nature do its business. Walk more, car pool, take public transport if you have to. All those magazines, old stamps, cardboard boxes, egg cartons, any of it - ask your local school or Kinder and recycle. For goodness sake above all advocate for children to feel the grass between their toes, to find wonder and amazement from seeds, sticks and leaves falling from trees, collecting eggs from real chickens, if you are unsure take a look at the eco centres out there creating healthy environments for children. The results are in, a child's active participation in natural environments develops empathy and compassion, respect for self, respect for others, respect for the natural environment. We don't need more studies to tell us children today are less resilient, less respectful and the loss of empathy as a value is on its way out, we need to open the doors, rain hail or shine and let the children out. Let them touch, feel and smell there way. Green, brown whatever...is the new pink (although I like pink...its still in !).

'If you are thinking a year ahead
plant a seed
If you are thinking ten years ahead
plant a tree
If you are thinking a hundred years ahead
educate people'.
Kuan Tzu 500 BC Chinese Poet

Margaret McMillan 200 years ago as a Scottish advocate for children commenced the creche movement in the United Kingdom to reduce the amount of children being used in mines, what today would be Primary school. A leader way ahead of her time, advocating for the importance of sensory development, the need for natural environments to stimulate children's learning, to provide better health outcomes for children at a time when children's rights were a dirty word. 200 years and we are still battling on, despite the science on sensory development; attachment, trauma, behaviour and a child's need for a symbiotic relationship with the natural environment. Still fighting the economy against health battle. It won't cost you your job for goodness sake to give your child a better chance to develop into a healthy, compassionate human being. You can make changes in your own home, simple changes which require informed choices. Have you ever noticed how much packaging goes into some products? Or how many products do the same thing? Strangely when the fingers are pointed many look at our parents generation, yet life was a great deal simpler and less packaged back then, having a piece of fruit and a sandwich was enough to take for school, obesity is a common word today, nearly accepted, even a woman in the US is making money from eating herself to death online (gross is an understatement. With more products, more spending, more conveniences, we expel less energy, is it no wonder obesity is a common word?

For me the how is motivated everyday by the why.....Maybe you have one, maybe you don't, maybe you could share mine ? its remembering the promise I made many years ago, as I held the tiny cold hand of a 3 years and 4 months of age little boy, frail and worn out from trial chemotherapy, radiation and pain relief, he smiled through it all and never gave up. I held Ben's hand and told him he had fought hard enough and it was ok to let go. I said thank you for showing me the way, thank you for giving me the chance to learn a different way of knowing and thank you for blessing us all with your presence. I told him children deserved more from the grown-ups, the legacy we leave is not good enough. Too many genetically modified foods, additives and chemically produced environments. The legacy of the degradation of natural wonders, the extinction of flora and fauna, the legacy of thousands of children dying of cancer every singe year. I told him I would do better that this was not good enough and his message was heard, I will never forget and I said goodbye.

All that is put on our gravestones when we are gone are the dates we enter and the date we leave, just a simple dash in between. We take with us our scars, we leave behind our memories. No-one puts how much money you earned, whether you won the tattslotto, how many houses you had or cars you drove, its just a simple dash.

We all have a chance here to create a legacy of hope, of endurance, of compassion and commitment to serve others, to do better, to define integrity (unlike a psychologist I know from a training day last year who wasn't sure what it meant...mmmm), to be honest, capable and above all own this journey we are on together.

This week in Melbourne is the Conference for Healthy Parks Healthy People, professionals from around the globe speaking loud about the importance of preserving parks for the wellbeing of humanity. I finished my article and I'm off to the forum in Melbourne later this week, the book is coming along and I've taken some advice and working on a feasibility study for an eco service in the Latrobe Valley, the evidence is compelling.

If you have heard a word of this, if it has touched you, sparked a memory, stored from a sensory experience as a child laying on your back under a tree watching the leaves flap in the breeze, join me as a member of the Jane Goodall Institute and start a group in your community to "be the change"....' never doubt that a small group of people can change the world indeed its the only thing that ever has'....M. Mead....




Mountain Gorilla recycle your phone campaign
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