We are the ones you may not hear from days, weeks at a
time. We tend to bunker down, re-load
and put in the hard yards when we can.
When we know better, we do better & sometimes basically we just don’t
know, that is when we go underground & seek out more ‘mean mothers’ to
bring up the rear and point us in the right direction. We are the “I don’t know
how she could do that” ovaries brigade, the “I’m leaving now..bye” and we
actually leave. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. We don’t buy into
fads & labels for the sake of ‘keeping up’ & we wear the results, the
tanties and the benefits; we hug lots, laugh more and love always.
So it’s time I let you in on a little secret. You cannot
make a child change their behaviour.
Teacher’s, bless them, well actually not all of them, some of them, and
know this to be true. There have been many attempts to rule the child with an
iron fist, the slap of a ruler and the sting of a cane. Yet a bit like the underground resistance
movements of most wars, they can and will learn to fear you, yet it will do
little to put them on the path you want them to be, even dreamed of, gossiped
about and lied for; they’ll work out your weakness and play it to the
hilt. If you are an enabler you haven’t
got a hope in hell, you’d better off surrendering.
Yes it’s true; you cannot make a child change their
behaviour. Yet....wait... you can change
yourself.
That is it, really. Presto,
watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
It really comes down to physics, down to human nature and
our capacity to adapt to our environment, cause and effect, yin and yang. We learn to change and modify our behaviour
in relation to what and who is happening around us. Let’s not over read miracle cures into this,
it is after all about positive change whilst growing healthy, happy, compassionate
individuals into adults, it’s about hard work.
Think the Tasmanian devil in the Roadrunner cartoons, spinning out of
control in a boxing ring! Now believe me if you step into that ring to shape
up, you better have had your Wheaties & probably a few Valium or you’ll be
eaten alive. If you want to change your
child, change yourself. Stay out of the
ring!
Oliver James take’s a humorous poke at parenting in his
awesome read ‘They F*** you up” http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/they_f_you_extract.html
throws the cat amongst the child development theoretical pigeons suggesting it
is not a nature vs nurture issue, it is not about genes and a lot more about
environment and how this impacts on the development of the human being.
“It makes no sense at all for us to emerge
from the womb predetermined to react to our particular bit of the world with
specific personalities or talents or mental illnesses. It would be far more
logical, in evolutionary terms, to be born flexible, wide open to the influence
of parents and upbringing, because each family setting, each social class and
each society requires a different response in order for the individual to
thrive. The child must attract the interest and love of its parents, and genes
could not anticipate the precise traits best suited for achieving this any more
than they could prefigure the particular demands of class and culture — demands
that can rapidly change, as the social trends of the last fifty years
illustrate.”
Bursting your bubble? Then go on and read ‘Toxic parents’ and let Susan Forward assure
you we can and we do screw it up. It’s a
hard reality pill to swallow, many throw it back up, some take it to the roof
of their mouth & spit it back out once the coast is clear. I’m driving in
the car, the light goes red before I need it to, “damn........” and double damn
it’s a ‘P’ plater” followed by a few not so well chosen adjectives (how is it
the light always goes red when you are in a hurry?). Some weeks later, not in any rush at all, we
come to a halt at the traffic lights & my little personal biological
recording device strapped in the safety harness of the backseat, repeats word
for word the previous weeks rant at the lights!
This is not about being perfect, it’s not about even getting
it right. There is no right and there is
not perfect. There is no one-way. It’s
about coming to the realisation we do not stop evolving at 18, we do not have
all the answers and whilst children are forced to be institutionalised into a
flawed education system, we too need educating until the day our heart ceases
to beat. Only when we choose to use the
fully developed frontal lobe you are entrusted with to find better ways to
parent, will the magic appear. That is the miracle of the positive attitude,
the positives find you.
It’s as basic as the old “don’t hit your brother” statement
as the hand is raised and a stinging slap of an adult with bigger biceps than
the child’s head, strikes the backside of 3 year old caught off guard.
Now I’m definitely not advocating do as I do, do as I say. Well actually yes do as I say mostly, the basics of respecting your parents, yet that is one confused child whose parents want them to have the highest scores in every class, yet spend every non-working moment in the recliner glued to a plasma or the “don’t fucking swear at me” statements........I can’t even go near that one!
Now I’m definitely not advocating do as I do, do as I say. Well actually yes do as I say mostly, the basics of respecting your parents, yet that is one confused child whose parents want them to have the highest scores in every class, yet spend every non-working moment in the recliner glued to a plasma or the “don’t fucking swear at me” statements........I can’t even go near that one!
It is about environment, it is about us, we are the
environment; it is about what goes on around them & we have the keys to the
vehicle.
Have I raised my voice, damn right I have! Have I used a
swear word! Yep and I drive a car, drink alcohol and carry the weight of all
adult responsibilities, why? Because I’m an adult that is why! Now go to your
room while I consider the consequences..... Oh sorry forgot I was talking with
you all, having a momentary flashback.
That is right, you are the adult.
Negotiations are for politicians, police officers and business
deals. We are parents, we don’t
negotiate. We make the hard decisions,
we follow through. We are far from perfect; we are still part of a process of
evolving ourselves. There is no
instruction booklet and why? What person in their right mind has the time, the
patience and the experience to write a booklet to tell all adults raising
children exactly about your child; you’d need a new edition for every birth!
Think of the paper!
In 1970 David & Phyllis York started the first ‘Tough
Love’ group in the US http://www.toughlove.org.au/
. Sadly for the Yorks, yet to the world’s
benefit, it took many years for the Yorks (drug and alcohol specialists &
family therapists) to see the writing on the wall for their daughter and it hit
like a brick when she was arrested for armed robbery and incarcerated. Finally they could see the private schools,
riding lessons, giving, giving and giving, was not the way. Only then did they realise their own limit
and what they would and would not tolerate. What is ‘tough’ about the Tough
Love set up, is it is not about emotions, it is not about getting in that ring,
it’s about behaviour, changing yours and your child will change theirs.
Tough love is for tough parenting. You cannot expect to look like Mr US and eat
more junk food than your organs can process.
Parenting is no different. You
want results, you do the work. It is
hard, damn hard. It will hurt, there
will be tears (mostly yours) and there will be days when it would be so much
easier to just make the bed for them, than to get out the drill, pull apart the
bed, and put the mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a wardrobe, yet
if you had only documented how many times you repeated the request “if you
don’t clean your room...” “if you don’t put away your clothes.....” you may as
well have been speaking to a brick wall if you do not intend to follow through on the consquences.
I have to say I am privileged to be surrounded by amazing
tough ‘mean’ mothers. I coin the term ‘mean’
as referred to by a 5yr old when you’ve asked them to pack up their toys before
moving to the next strike zone. Amazing,
courageous parents who by experience, instinct and skill know when to make the
hard choices, to step back and step up and when enabling is out and responsibility
is in.
Believe me, there is nothing more painful or soul wrenching
to realise as a parent you don’t have all the answers. Yet come on how should we know? If you want
anything in life; career, sport, creativity etc, you need to learn it, practice
it and continue to develop it. Why is it
with parenting so many people believe all the answers are in their ability to link
a sperm and an egg and produce a human being? Then there are those who have not
even experienced this little pleasure which even requires little effort J yet believe a few
sensationalised dramas, magazine articles and talk back shows is enough to
suffice.
Some of your answers could be found in the rise of the
parenting program ‘World’s strictest parents’.
How could it possibly be all about genes? If the child is born ‘bad’ ‘wild’ ‘disrespectful’,
then how can you take the child out of the environment and into another, where
there is no negotiating, there is logic and rationale thinking, there is consistent love & see rapid
changes, to some successes even a different child. That is not my signature approval
of the program, a sensationalised look at young people who turn themselves
around only to be placed back in the same environment which hasn’t changed at
all!
Life is all about choice & consequences. It’s the reality. You can live it or hide from it, you can
embrace it or ignore it, whatever you choose, the consequences belong to
you. You want fitness, then start
working out, you want a different life, then start doing the hard yards. You want children who respect themselves,
respect you and take responsibility for their actions, start making the hard
choices, take off the yellow stripe, stand up and be the adult they need.
I am in awe of the friends and family who time and time
again demonstrate this theory works. The
ones who not only use the word ‘no’, they know the tone, time and purpose of
using it. The ones who say ‘the buck
stops with me, here, right now’ and they get on with it. The friends and family
I love my children to spend time with. They can see the child in children, the young adult in the young person. Even with a diagnosis, they have the foresight to make the changes needed to give their child the best possible chance.
A few weeks ago a friend relayed a story of making a ‘York’
type choice, to draw the line in the sand. The bar was set and it followed with
heartache, tears and worries (the parent of course!). Yet three days later with her tail between
her legs the child returned, with more respect for herself, her family and
turned her life around. It takes courage
to make a stand as a parent, to have clear mind and purpose about what legacy
you want to pass to your children. It
doesn’t mean it will work instantly, there are no quick fixes.
No one said it was easy (thanks Coldplay), no one is saying
it will happen in 3 days, 3 years or when it will happen. Yet if you give up, then you can’t be there
to celebrate every change along the way.
Professor Matt Sanders talks about parenting as having a
information ‘vacuum’ and his Triple P Parenting programs as leading the way in
providing solutions. In 1992 the Queensland University, now world renowned Triple
P parenting education program http://www.triplep.net/files/pdf/Parenting_Research_and_Practice_Monograph_No.1.pdf
was born and continues to provide both preventative and restorative educational
programs to support parents in their quest for better parenting, in changing
their own behaviour and therefore altering their child’s.
Neurologically the frontal lobe does not fully develop in
males until the mid 20’s, the females in late teens. Yet I’ve lost track at how
many times I hear parents talk about their expectations of their children and
young persons and disappointed when “they just don’t get it”. It will take
persistence, encouragement and constant reinforcement of the good values,
morals and choices you make as a positive role model to your children before
both of you ‘get it’.
As I said to a friend the other day why if you were male would you go to a gynaecologist, your brain is no different. Why would you seek expert advice from someone who does not only specialise in human behaviour, they don't even specialise in children! Speak with your GP by all means, yet the are a 'generalist' practitioner, they are not a psychologist, a counsellor or psychiatrist. If you need to talk children, go to a paediatrician, if you need to talk mental health, seek a mental health professional. Then to complicate matters I'm going to suggest go with your gut instinct. Afterall every single professional, regardless of their field is a human being with their own judgements, experience and skill, some come from completely different theoretical foundations. So it is likely you could see 5 of the same professionally qualified persons and all will have a completely unique approach. One of the most widely unrecognised and mis-diagnosed neurological concerns with children is post traumatic stress. Time and time ago children are being over medicated and serious, complex traumas go unattended when a misinformed specialist treats only the childs behaviour. Those of you I know whose children have diagnosed medical conditions will know the behaviour is consistent in all domains. Somehow too many professionals fail to ask this simple question.
As I said to a friend the other day why if you were male would you go to a gynaecologist, your brain is no different. Why would you seek expert advice from someone who does not only specialise in human behaviour, they don't even specialise in children! Speak with your GP by all means, yet the are a 'generalist' practitioner, they are not a psychologist, a counsellor or psychiatrist. If you need to talk children, go to a paediatrician, if you need to talk mental health, seek a mental health professional. Then to complicate matters I'm going to suggest go with your gut instinct. Afterall every single professional, regardless of their field is a human being with their own judgements, experience and skill, some come from completely different theoretical foundations. So it is likely you could see 5 of the same professionally qualified persons and all will have a completely unique approach. One of the most widely unrecognised and mis-diagnosed neurological concerns with children is post traumatic stress. Time and time ago children are being over medicated and serious, complex traumas go unattended when a misinformed specialist treats only the childs behaviour. Those of you I know whose children have diagnosed medical conditions will know the behaviour is consistent in all domains. Somehow too many professionals fail to ask this simple question.
Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, Director of the ‘Young and Well
Cooperative Centre’ http://www.yawcrc.org.au/
is a well known child and adolescent psychologist in Melbourne and author of the book ‘Princess
Bitch face Syndrome’. I listened to Dr
Carr-Gregg speak on changing children’s behaviour in the home, on routine
daily challenges and it was certainly a life changing moment for my children!
Dr Carr-Gregg recalled a time when his children ignored his plea
to pick up their mess in the kitchen, reduce mobile phone use, and complete chores
(the list goes on). The strategies he chose included; putting the rubbish they
ignored into their son’s bed (yes this one works!), why should others have to
live in a mess only the young person was happy too! Mobile phones in freezers
and restriction of rewards...yes no going out!
Yes some of these type of strategies and those described by ‘tough
love’ parents like that for an adolescent girl who refused to get out of bed
and continued slamming the bedroom door and locking it, so the mother took out
her drill & removed the hinges and the door and when that didn’t work,
decided to water her garden under her daughter’s window right at the same time
she should have been out of bed! or the young adolescent male who strayed into
drugs and commenced selling off his parents belongings to fuel his habit, until
the parents packed up all their belongings, leaving only essentials and put it
all into storage. These parents are not
enablers. They love their children and
they make the choice to change their behaviour in order to change their child’s.
I don’t have all the answers. I do know cuddles work wonders,
saying love you every night heals wounds and being squished to the edge of the
bed on a windy night are worth a smooth run house the next morning. I do know who we are tells our story, I am intrigued by human behaviour and how one can learn and predict a great deal about children by knowing their primary carers. I do know the pain of losing a child and I
appreciate every gift, every one, the hard ones, the challenges, the
disagreements, the laughs, the mess, and the hugs. I don’t have an answer to
fix your immediate needs, yet I have two ears, I like to listen and I have a
wicked sense of humour (it’s a mean mother’s survival tool). I’m with you, on
this journey of parenting, I’m learning, I’m educating myself, I’m allowing my children
to teach me.
In the words of CG Jung above my desk at work and home “If there is anything that we wish to change
in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is something that
could better be changed in ourselves”, the reminder to look in the mirror
from time to time.